12/28/2022
DAY #4 & 5
Good morning!
I wrote this the day after Christmas but was traveling and did not post. So here is December 26th & 27th.
First of all let’s take a moment to thank God for getting me through the weekend with grace and dignity. I walked thru this tough situation in faith and the confidence that he was by my side the entire time.
I have been sick since Christmas Eve and I am thankful for that because my head was so foggy that I was not able to experience anxiety. My energy level was not sufficient to have the anxiety that might have come if I was functioning at full capacity.
The drive was pleasant with the kids and my mom. When we arrived at my brothers it was awkward to come in and just sit there with my feelings, most of the feelings I felt was reflecting on the old behavior that I used to exhibit in my addiction. It amazes me that I do not remember times that I was there , what we ate, what we talked about… I was not present in that moment I was chasing a high that I could never catch up too.
Addiction is not about being satisfied once your high, it is about chasing after the “1st high” the first feeling that you experienced when you took that drink or drug. The feeling of your body on this level that you never experienced because of the situations you went thru as a child, the feeling of having no feelings, no emotions, no worries, a sense that you are in another dimension.
Before I ever took a drink or a drug, I longed to not feel scared, and I longed to not feel the pain that was permanently instilled in my mind, body and most of all my spirit.
We spend every moment seeking that first time when everything went from wrong to right with the substance that we placed inside our body.
But that is the power of addiction, that we spend as much of our lives as we are willing to spend in chasing something that will never be as good as that first time.
It sucks us into a life of chaos seeking to find something that is ever changing and follows with consequences and damage to ourselves and others.
I sought this for 13 years. I dragged myself and anyone that was in my life thru this chaos. Not thinking about it, I was unable to consciously realize what I was doing because when your on substance for so long, your unable to have moments of clarity.
When you do have them, the guilt and the shame overwhelm you to the extent that you want nothing more than to forget about it, so you indulge yourself once again into the break from the reality of the damage your causing. Then you cause more damage.
Each time you go back into addiction things are worse and are never better. But you cannot see this because your detached from the ability to see reality. Your in a dark tunnel chasing the high into the depths of darkness.
So obviously being with family and seeing things with clear lenses, I was present, I was available for conversation , I was able to engage with my family, they were so thankful for my presence and my ability to communicate with them and they enjoyed my company.
This felt amazing. It feels amazing to be present, none of the resentments surfaced while i was there and they are not resurfacing now.
I see this part of my brother that I have never seen, It is like he is this little boy craving attention from others. I realize that he never had the attention that was positive outside of my Grandfather. He never had that validation from my mom, neither did I. We lived with my mom and she was an amazing single mother. She did her best, there were times that she had others that needed her, that came naturally with being a youth pastor, which God called her to do.
I honor my mother and am grateful for her being of service to others that needed her. There were kids that my mom had such a huge impact on. I am thankful for what that was like and having had experienced that as a child I seen the power of God and his ability to work in peoples lives. It instilled a unshakable sense that God was in my life and he was real inside me. This is a gift that most people haven’t experienced.
But that kind of calling comes with a sacrifice, it comes with some things getting neglected. I think my brother and I both felt that the kids in my moms youth group meant more at times than we did.
We were kids and may not have known better.
My brother has a good heart, despite the hurt he has caused, he is a loving man, a good father, and will help people who need it. He is a hustler and has no job security but he is a hard worker. He learned that from my Grandpa who was an amazing example of that. My Grandpa was a workaholic. My brother is my grandpa now. He will never have a retirement funds and he will not have medical insurance or a 401k. He will always have to work to survive and when he can no longer work, he will have to collect disability or SSI. Just like all others in our family.
My life is blessed beyond measure because I have put in the work to further my education and this is my ticket out of poverty. This is my future that is beyond blessed with retirement and medical and education that will take me anywhere I need to go, Including free college for my children.
Altogether, this experience was a huge step towards the growth that I am pursuing in my life. It has taken me putting myself in uncomfortable situations like these to come thru them with different lenses, a new perspective and another set of stitches into my broken heart.
