Julia Wesley, Licensed Marriage & Family Therapist - Supervisor

Mayim Bialik on TikTok

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZTRxy9TLJ/

Mayim Bialik on TikTok Debunking mental health myths, Part 3: Origins of Addiction. 🛑

I finished the other book yesterday so now I’m listening to this one.

Today I got the chance to learn more about conceptualizing helping couples from some of the best in the field.

What a therapist reads and listens to.

Today we asked Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, author and couples counseller, your relationship questions. Stan gives honest and poignant advice for dealing with betrayal, maintaining a secure bonding and creating agreements based on mutual purpose vs. Love.

https://www.instagram.com/p/Cjl4it2JFWt/?igshid=YjkyYjQxZDk%3D

Today we asked Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, author and couples counseller, your relationship questions. Stan gives honest and poignant advice for dealing with betrayal, maintaining a secure bonding and creating agreements based on mutual purpose vs. Love.

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Texts are great for making plans, sharing quick information, or letting your partner know you are thinking of them.

Texts are horrible for fighting. You may know that it’s easy to misunderstand one another because you can’t read tone in a text, but that’s not all.

A bigger problem is that you can’t regulate each other over text.

When you are face-to-face with your partner, you can ensure you both have the resources needed to engage in a productive conversation. You can quickly see when you’ve made a misstep and hurt them. You can then repair the issue immediately so it doesn’t form a long-term memory.

You cannot do this over texts.

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Partners who argue well have a basic understanding of how the human nervous system operates.

They know they have limited mental and emotional resources, so they strategically approach disagreements in a manner that gives them the best chance of keeping each other regulated.

This doesn’t mean they always succeed, but when they fail, they repair hurt feelings as quickly as possible.

An effective argument involves:

- Sticking to a single topic
- A short time limit
- Face-to-face communication
- Slow, succinct, and clear speech
- Rapid relief
- A win-win solution

https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=678429430313781&id=100044401900492

Ho'oponopono is an ancient Hawaiian spiritual practice that involves learning to heal all things by accepting "Total Responsibility" for everything that surrounds us – confession, repentance, and reconciliation.

To practice ho'oponopono, take a few deep breaths with your eyes closed. Then, slowly repeat the following phrases with intent until you feel an emotional release. (Usually about 7 or 8 times)

I Am Sorry
Please Forgive Me
Thank You
I Love You

Origin: The meaning of this powerful practice of forgiveness is beautiful in itself. The word “HO’O” means “Cause” in Hawaiian, and “PONOPONO” means “perfection.” This translates the term “Ho’oponopono” to “correct a mistake” or “make it right.” It is a forgiveness technique that cleanses an individual from within and helps them to get rid of any negative memories and mistakes.

How to use it:
You can recite the four phrases to address a specific problem or event in your life (regardless of whose fault it is), your past, your ancestral lineage, your relationship with the earth and more.

You can play with the order of the phrases and see if you notice any subtle differences in how you feel.

You can meditate on them quietly in a state of peace and gentleness.

You can repeat them out loud in front of the mirror, or even just yell them at the top of your lungs! Whatever gives you the best feeling of relief and release.
💗✨🦋

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Being a burden is never an issue in relationships as long as both partners are free to be burdensome. Secure-functioning partners embrace being one another’s burden. They take on responsibilities for each other that no one else would do.

How to Create a Secure-Functioning Relationship with an ADHD Partner

How to Create a Secure-Functioning Relationship with an ADHD Partner Any couple's relationship can be challenging to navigate, but when one or both partners have ADHD, the usual difficulties are compounded, which can cause the couple to feel like they are lost in a maze. 

consciousdiscipline on TikTok

Attachment! Attachment! Attachment! It’s more important than you think.

consciousdiscipline on TikTok I Love You Rituals are playful, one-on-one interactions that build loving bonds while increasing attention span, decreasing power struggles and promoting language and literacy at school or at home. 💙 Click the link in our bio to learn more about I Love You Rituals with our book as well as a link ...

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Deal-breakers don’t go away on their own. Fear of losing a potential relationship may cause you to want to ignore them for the time being, but believe me, it will be much easier to address these issues now. If there is anything that threatens the security or integrity of your relationship, it will come up at some point whether you like it or not.

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Moments of transition (whenever you separate or reunite) are incredibly important and often overlooked by couples. It may seem small, but committing to physically embrace during these moments can significantly impact how secure you both feel together.

Try doing this for a week and track how you feel as a couple. 💞 Hug until you can feel that both of your muscles have relaxed.

Hannah & Regal on TikTok

I talk with my clients a lot about reunifications. You can tell this woman has made a deliberate decision to greet her husband this way all the time and her husband loves it. I’d be interested to know if he does the same for her. This is such a sweet way to reunify and connect with each other. Consistently looking for moments throughout the day helps each partner feel secure in the relationship.

Hannah & Regal on TikTok Shes like a golden retriever 😂💛

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You don’t have to agree with your partner at all times (it’s a guarantee that you won’t), but you will be wise to have their back in front of others.

Disagreeing with them in front of others can make your partner feel betrayed or even feel threatened. You can protect the security of your relationship by publicly backing them up and privately letting them know how you really feel. Plus, they will be more receptive to hearing your point of view if you share it with them this way.

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Secure-functioning relationships are mutually beneficial. They help you not only survive but thrive in the world outside of your union. This is because secure-functioning relationships are interdependent. Interdependency allows partners to rely on one another, support each other’s ambitions, and tend to each other’s wounds.

Interdependency is NOT co-dependency.

In a co-dependent relationship, all resources, time, and energy are focused on one partner. That asymmetry damages the security of a relationship, and as a result, hinders the personal growth of both partners.

Security is the reason we create and stay in relationships. Without it, relationships aren’t worth the trouble. As a PACT therapist, this is my biggest goal for the couples I work with.

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The idea that you have to wait to fully love yourself before loving another person is BS. The journey towards self-love and acceptance is a lifelong one. A secure-functioning relationship provides the space and support for you to develop as an individual as well as a partner.

As humans, we learn through our relationships. It starts this way in infancy and continues through adulthood. You’ll find that you will learn more about yourself bonding with others than you will in isolation.

My advice is to take the leap.

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I refer to memory, perception, and communication as the “troublesome triad.”

We all make errors in our memory, perception, and communication. This is a part of the human condition. Understanding and accepting this can help you better manage problems as they occur and be less likely to take these misunderstandings personally.

The key is to be curious, not furious.

Check and cross-check your perceptions. Pay attention to what you hear, what you say, and what your partner hears. Ask yourself:

▫️ Are we talking about the same thing?

▫️ Is my face saying something different from my words? Is my voice?

▫️ Am I taking a shortcut in my communication that my partner doesn’t understand?

What you fight about is far less important than how you manage and navigate conflict together. When you run into disagreements, remember that the troublesome triad will be working against both of you. Remain curious, friendly, flexible, humble, and open to being wrong.

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To a certain degree, we are all predictable. Becoming experts on one other is critical because it will help you strategically prevent problems. If you know how your partner will reflexively react to certain words or behaviors, you can approach them in a way that will put them at ease rather than trigger them.

Prevention is the key here, but it’s not always possible. When an issue does arise, address and repair it right away. Conflict avoidance is never a good strategy.

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When you’re texting, you lose all the tools that would help you emotionally regulate each other. Eye contact, touch, the sound of your voice, and your body language can all keep your partner feeling safe while you’re in the middle of a disagreement.

It’s not just that you’re more likely to misunderstand each other over texts, but you’re less likely to notice when you’ve hurt each other and rapidly repair those injuries.

Save serious and sensitive conversations for when you’re able to be face-to-face.

One of the saddest things that normalized + sometimes even prompted in culture is slapping or hitting children as they’re developing emotionally. Many of us experienced this + believe it’s a “normal” part of childhood.

Many well meaning parents believe this is the way to get their children to do what they want. Because this was done to them. They lead through fear + physical force— not understanding that this breaks a child’s sense of trust in the world. It damages their sense of self worth. And most importantly it primes them to either: enter an abusive relationship or become abusive relationships. Do we understand what mixed messaging it is to hit a child + to then tell them as an adult to “just leave” abuse? It doesn’t work this way.

When the response is “I turned out just fine” or “we’re raising a generation of snowflakes” or “well, life has consequences.” I hear pain.

I hear an adult that’s had to cope with sarcasm, with appearing “strong.” With putting on a persona of sarcasm to never appear vulnerable because that would mean they were weak. And, at one time weakness meant they were helpless + put in a situation where they became a punching bag for an adult who could not regulate their emotions.

May we wake up to these patterns. May we heal from the (usually invisible) scars that physical force leaves for an entire lifetime. May we look a bit deeper + see that people aren’t actually fine.

I’ve got a long format video I just dropped on my tiktok that goes deeper into this. Click the link in my stories to watch

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Routine moments of transition, where you separate and reunite, can be extremely powerful points to foster feelings of security and intimacy. Whenever possible, spend quality time with one another during these moments:

💞 Waking up
💞 Leaving for work
💞 Returning home
💞 Going to sleep

Eliminate distractions and simply be together, even if for only a moment. You might gaze into one another’s eyes, physically embrace, or whisper lovingly to one another.

This time should be stress-free and centered around the two of you. Avoid watching TV, scrolling social media, fighting, gossiping, and discussing relationship problems or any topics that cause existential threat.

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Continuing an argument for a long time will make it challenging to reach an agreement. The longer you are under stress, the fewer mental resources you will have to spare, and the more difficult it will be to stay emotionally regulated.

So set a time limit the next time you argue. 15 minutes is the absolute longest I would recommend, but you can (and may want to) shorten that limit.

If you haven’t resolved the issue during that period, repair hurt feelings and make sure you are both ok for the time being. Agree to return to the discussion when you are both better regulated.

FDA Approves First Ever Rapid-Acting Treatment for Major Depressive Disorder

https://www.hcplive.com/view/fda-first-ever-rapid-acting-treatment-major-depressive-disorder

FDA Approves First Ever Rapid-Acting Treatment for Major Depressive Disorder Dextromethorphan HBr-bupropion HCI (Auvelity) is developed by Axsome Therapeutics.

New antidepressant helps patients in just three days

https://www.freethink.com/health/new-antidepressant?amp=1

New antidepressant helps patients in just three days Adding the new antidepressant zuranolone to standard treatments helped people with major depressive disorder feel better in less time.

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This simple principle is difficult to put into practice, but when implemented it will make your relationship easier. It’s hard to do because, under stress or distress, we all revert to a one-person orientation.

It requires a conscious effort to strive for win-win solutions at all times. In the long run, though, this effort will be worth it.

Mr. P on TikTok

Please, call the number on the video if you need help. There are so many of us who want to help you. 💕

https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdBcxuys/

Mr. P on TikTok It hurts so much!

Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn G on TikTok

https://vm.tiktok.com/TTPdBcRk6C/

Mandy Patinkin and Kathryn G on TikTok Repost from

Joshua Thomas Gray on TikTok

One of the things we use in PACT therapy is eye contact. We, as humans, bond this way. This Tik Toker is doing something special here, building empathy through the eyes with strangers. Our brains want to bond and heal so strongly, that this works too.

Joshua Thomas Gray on TikTok Looking into strangers eyes. Daily empathy experiment #

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hear?

Tag someone who needs to hear one!

It's a common myth that you must have a mental illness to seek therapy.
That's definitely NOT the case!
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A therapist can help you and your family with everyday issues and problems.
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Do you notice these relationship skills in your relationships?

Physical touch releases the 'feel-good' hormone, oxytocin and lowers the stress hormone, cortisol!
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Consented Physical Touch is such an important part of romantic relationships and partnerships! It is a way to express your feelings and comes with many benefits for your partner and yourself.
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Were you aware of all the benefits of physical touch?
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I love this quote referring to marriage as knitting. We must work carefully and lovingly in our relationship with our partner

As a couples therapist, I work with many couples who have experienced infidelity in their relationship.
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It is possible for couples to work through and get past infidelity if they both are want to make the relationship work and are willing to do what it takes!