The Psych Spot

04/29/2026

A note on the writing.
I am a licensed psychologist. Names and identifying details of every client mentioned in this work are fictional. The patterns are real. The stories are illustrative — drawn from twenty years of clinical practice and conducted with the care that a sitting therapist owes the privacy of his clients. Where direct quotation appears, it is constructed from memory and refined for the reader. No clinical relationship is created by reading.

— Dr. Jay Brooksby, PhD | Licensed Psychologist
The stories are fiction. The patterns are not

04/29/2026

He gets out of his car at red lights to yell at strangers.
Combat veteran. Multiple deployments. Third job since he got out. By every external measure, the kind of guy you'd worry about.
I asked about his marriage.
His whole face changed.
"She's my rock. The only reason I'm still on the planet."
So I asked the obvious question — you blow up everywhere else. Do you blow up at home?
"No. I can't lose her."
That's it. No therapy. No program. No framework. Just a decision so complete it functions as a hard rule: not here, not with her, not ever. He repairs fast. Gets back close because the distance is unbearable.
I saw a different man. Same kind of anger. Same kind of life pressure. But he never made the decision. Never defined his wife as the primary resource. So when they fought, the silence felt like peace. The distance felt like stability. Until one day they were roommates who filed amicable paperwork and couldn't explain what happened.
"We just grew apart."
Twenty years of clinical work has taught me one thing about marriage that overrides almost everything else: the men whose marriages survive are not the men with the best communication skills or the most emotional awareness.
They're the men who decided. Clearly. Completely.
She is oxygen. And he will not blow up the thing he cannot breathe without.
Have you made that decision — or are you managing for silence?

If essays like this are useful, I send one a week by email. Subscribe at jaybrooksby.substack.com.

— Dr. Jay Brooksby, PhD | Licensed Psychologist | Puyallup, WA
The stories are fiction. The patterns are not.

04/24/2026

The Paycheck Is the Floor

The patterns are real. The stories are not. These are illustrations — composites drawn from twenty years of clinical work, and excerpts from books I'm writing. Some of these will feel like scenes without a full story around them. That's because they are. I'm writing because I want to be useful. I want to leave something behind.

He came in quiet. Reluctant. His wife wanted him there. He didn't trust me.
He sat on the edge of the couch like he was in an interview and hadn't decided yet who was being evaluated.
Jay, I'm paying all the bills. We have a comfortable living.
I asked what he meant by comfortable.
She complains about money all the time.
What about money?
If she wants more she should get a job. I'm working.
Don't you think she is working? You have children.
I mean like a paycheck. She could drive delivery. After the kids are in bed.
So you want her to leave the house when the kids are in bed, go to work, and not be with you. Don't you want to see her?
I'm in bed. I get up early.
Okay.
He was in the trades. Steady. Reliable. His income wasn't changing and in his accounting it covered what they needed. Everything above that was her problem.
I asked if he looked at the accounts.
No. I just use my debit card. The couple times we've gone in the red, that's because she went shopping.
He had done the math in his head, with no numbers. He was managing the finances the same way he was managing the marriage — by assumption. And blaming the shortfall on her.
I suggested he go home, look at the accounts together, talk about goals.
He came back the following week more pi**ed than he'd left.
We talked about it. She said you were right.
About what.
She'd told him he should finish a degree. Maybe trade school. He heard: she just wants me gone more. She can't keep up with her friends. I can't give her that.
I tried to stay in the conversation. He stood up.
No. This is stupid. I'm not doing this.
He left.
The divorce was already in that session. I just had to watch it happen.
She said you're right — the one moment she opened a door — and he turned it into more evidence against her. Same move he'd been making the whole marriage.
That contempt was probably what sunk the ship. The refusal to see that provision is just the entry fee — not the mission, not the ceiling, not the whole job.
The paycheck is the floor.
What you build on top of it — the presence, the attention, the daily choice to pick her — that's the actual structure. The man who stops at the floor thinks he sees a home.
He only poured the slab.
She wasn't asking for fancy stuff. She was asking for a man who thought the floor was the beginning, not the finish line.

— Dr. Jay Brooksby

If you like these, subscribe at jaybrooksby.substack.com

04/22/2026

They come in looking like they got sent to the principal's office.

Shoulders forward. Eyes near the floor. Within five minutes I can tell you what they believe about themselves. Not because they say it. Because the belief is in the room before they are.

I am the problem.

Not that I have a problem. That I am one.

There's a difference. And it matters more than almost anything else I'll say here.

A man who has a problem can address it. A man who believes he is the problem has already written the verdict. All that's left is sentencing.

Twenty years in the chair tells me the same thing over and over.

The story is almost always wrong.

You are not broken. You may be stuck. Misdirected. Running on a story handed to you by someone who didn't know what they were talking about. But broken? I don't buy it. And I'm not going to sell it to you.

The difference between the man who figures it out and the man who doesn't is almost never talent.

It's the story he's telling.

Stories can change.

— Dr. Jay Brooksby

If essays like this are useful, I send one a week by email. Subscribe at jaybrooksby.substack.com — signup at the top.

04/20/2026

https://open.substack.com/pub/jaybrooksby/p/the-rad-list?r=14md8d&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

04/20/2026

They come in looking like they got sent to the principal's office.
Shoulders forward. Eyes somewhere near the floor. The whole posture says: I know why I'm here, and it isn't good. They sit down in the chair across from me and within the first five minutes I can tell you what they believe about themselves. Not because they say it. Because they don't have to. The belief is in the room before they are.
I am the problem.
Not that they have a problem. That they are one. There's a difference, and it matters more than almost anything else I'm going to say in this post.
A man who has a problem can address it. A man who believes he is the problem has already written the verdict. The jury is done. All that's left is sentencing.
I'm a psychologist. I've sat across from men for twenty years — veterans, executives, dads on the edge, guys who provide and show up and still feel like they're failing something they can't quite name. The most consistent thing I've found: the story is almost always wrong.

The diagnosis is wrong. The story is wrong. Here's what's actually true.

04/17/2026

https://jaybrooksby.substack.com/p/shes-my-oxygen?r=14md8d

04/17/2026

My job — ongoing, permanent, never finished — is to know her completely. What fills her cup. What depletes her. What she’s thinking about. What’s making her anxious. What she loves. What would make today easier for her.

That knowledge doesn’t come automatically. It comes from paying attention for twenty-plus years and treating the attention as a professional obligation.

Then there’s the surplus. I don’t just avoid conflict. I actively build. Compliments. Touch — the kind my kids see, the kind that tells them clearly where things stand. Humor. Time alone together. Date nights. The active pursuit of a woman I’ve already married.

04/13/2026

https://open.substack.com/pub/jaybrooksby/p/men-are-not-broken?utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web

04/01/2026

https://open.substack.com/pub/jaybrooksby/p/the-fourth-quarter?r=14md8d&utm_campaign=post&utm_medium=web&showWelcomeOnShare=true

03/16/2020

Good info

Battegay M, Kuehl R, Tschudin-Sutter S, et al. 2019-novel coronavirus (2019-nCoV): estimating the case fatality rate—a word of caution. Swiss Med Wkly 2020 Feb 7;150:w20203 (published online Jan 27)