03/24/2026
Something Iāve been noticing for quite some time in spiritual communities as well as some atheists is how often people leave the church, but they donāt do much to reflect and deconstruct the social lessons, and it is often happening along gender lines. Letās get into it.
I know people who are everywhere on the spectrum from working with the divine feminine to equating the Bible to fairytales, but women are still unconsciously expected to do the bulk of the emotional work, be the family caretaker, be the primary parent, etc.
Heterosexual men often still unconsciously see themselves at the top of the family hierarchy, even if they donāt know how to manage or lead effectively. They regularly behave as though their feelings matter more than their partnerās, typically by deflecting or dismissing their partnerās concerns. This is like an alcoholic who quits drinking, but doesnāt quit raging over minor infractions, blaming everyone else for the consequences of their own behavior, etc.
A lot of this stems from their avoiding deconstructing what they were taught. Why? Because patriarchy was reinforced in church environments. If their parents grew up in the church, their parents and other adults in their life would have instilled traditional male roles, centered male perspectives, and learned that anytime they felt emotional discomfort it was appropriate to either withdraw or re-take control of the situation. And women adapted to maintain connection.
As a result these behavior patterns get internalized as normal, and they arenāt critically analyzed as what they are: internalized Christian patriarchy. So even if he intellectually thinks, āI donāt believe that anymore.ā, his nervous system and instincts are still operating from, āThis is how relationships work.ā.
What results is unconscious avoidance to protect the inherited system.
This serves several functions, because questioning the frameworks would require him to examine power structures and how he benefits from them, sitting with the resulting discomfort, and actually feeling the resulting shame, grief, or loss of identity.
Because heās never had to do any of that, he hasnāt developed emotional resilience.
So instead, the system protects itself through defensiveness, centering his feelings, and shutting down or walking away. This keeps the inherited system intact.
Meanwhile, you start noticing more and more transactional dynamics at play.
āIf I show up in these ways, I shouldnāt be challenged.ā or
āIf Iām uncomfortable, the situation should adjust.ā
When you bring your concerns to him your reality gets minimized, you continue to carry more emotional labor, and youāre expected to adapt to his discomfort. Thatās the imbalance pieceānot just that itās transactional, itās also that the terms arenāt mutually negotiated. His perception is the accepted default.
In the end the issue isnāt about religion, itās that he refuses to examine the conditioning and relational blueprint he inherited.
As a result, heās continuing to recreate the same dysfunctional power dynamics he learned because his operating system still sees them as ānormalā or āreasonableā and resists anything that disrupts them.
Therapy can help, if the therapist understands the issues. Validating his internal experiences without validating harmful behavior, helping him learn to self-regulate, and to notice somatic changes before they become a reaction. Because until he learns this he wonāt be able to go deeper.
It will also help him to shift from needing to be right to becoming curious. He will learn to identify whatās feeling threatened and why he feels like he needs to push back. He will shift from defending himself to observing his feelings. Eventually the therapist will help him see the cycle as itās happening: discomfort, centering/escalating, invalidating the other person, withdrawal/push back, and justification or feeling abandoned.
Next the therapist will help him look at his family structure with a question like: āYou learned a system-does it still serve you?ā
Over time, a competent therapist will help him learn to tolerate discomfort instead of escaping it, and then learn how to be in a non-transactional relationship.
But only if heās willing to learn to sit in discomfort, question himself, and care about the impact he has on others.
How will you know heās doing the work?
He will:
š¤take ownership of his behavior without
being pushed.
š¤acknowledge when he behaves
defensively or to avoid something.
š¤stay present during uncomfortable
conversations
š¤become more curious about your
experiences
š¤actively begin repair conversations after
conflict
š¤receive critical feedback without spiraling
How will you know if his therapist is colluding with him?
ā”ļøJustification instead of reflection
ā”ļøSudden insistence on boundaries
ā”ļøNo ownership or accountability
ā”ļøNo curiosity
ā”ļøNo behavior changes
ā”ļøContinues to center himself
Good luck and Blessed be.
