Larry Goodman, LMFT

06/17/2019

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6 Little Green Flags That You’ve Found A Keeper
Marriage therapists share signs you’re dating someone who’s worth getting serious with

By
Brittany Wong
6/7/19

There’s no shortage of articles online and in lifestyle magazines about dating red flags: If she’s rude to the waitstaff or your Uber driver, it’s a big red flag. If he spends half the date talking about his “crazy ex,” run for the hills.

We’re all well-versed in the warning signs of a bad partner, but what are the signs that you’ve found a keeper? We asked marriage therapists across the country to share a few little green flags that you’ve struck luck with your new boo.

See what they said below.

1. They’re the first person you want to share good — or bad — news with

You just got promoted or called out in a meeting by your boss for a project well done? Your first thought is to call your S.O. You just heard that your team might be impacted by upcoming layoffs? You call them about that too. Whether it’s good or bad news, your partner is always a reliable sounding board, said Ryan Howes, a psychologist in Pasadena, California.

“When you’ve found a person you consider your lifelong mate, you want to share all the best and worst news with them because you know they’ll celebrate with you or provide the support to get through the rough times,” he said. “If they’re your first go-to with this news, it means you feel safe to share the most intimate parts of yourself with them.”

2. You’re the real, authentic ‘you’ around them

Chris Rock once said of dating, “When you meet somebody for the first time, you’re not meeting them, you’re meeting their representative.” When you’re with someone you gel with, you drop the facade and act pretty much exactly as you do when you’re alone: You’re comfortable at home with them, scarfing down a burrito from the taqueria down the street with reckless abandon. You snort when you laugh. You go long with your rant after a rough day at work, knowing there will be zero judgement. You’re the real you, not “date representative” you.

“You don’t have to try too hard to impress them because you know they adore you no matter what,” said Shannon Chavez, a psychologist and s*x therapist in Los Angeles.

“You can be hanging out in your pajamas all day and they remind you how beautiful you are and how much they love spending time with you. They notice the small things that are truly who you are and they appreciate them.”

It's vital that you can let your guard down with your S.O.

3. Their communication skills are top-notch, even when life is crappy

A good partner knows that communication really is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship: They’re consistent with calls and texts when you’re apart and are tuned in and engaged during conversations.

A great partner keeps those A+ communication habits up even when the two of you inevitably butt heads. Instead of stonewalling or running away from conflict, they want to see it through with you.

“When you have a keeper, the communication flows both ways in the relationship nearly all the time,” said Jennifer Miller, a marriage therapist in Juno Beach, Florida. “When conflict arises, they talk it through with you in a calm, respectful manner without avoiding, blowing up, or worst, ghosting.”

4. They’re flexible enough to do some things your way without being resentful, blaming or thinking they’ve ‘lost’

All couples fight ― in fact, it would be unhealthy if you didn’t argue here and there. Couples with sticking power have arguments, but in the midst of the fight, they keep one thought firmly in mind: We’re on the same team.

Whether you’re arguing about the quickest route to the freeway or something more substantial, a quality partner hears you out when you make your case. They’re focused on solving the problem, rather than winning the debate, said Winifred Reilly, a marriage and family therapist in Berkeley, California.

“Anyone can ‘go along to get along,’ but a healthy and secure person can let go or try things in a new way out of curiosity or generosity,” she said. “There’s no grudges. No keeping score.”

And when they are wrong on the issue, they’re comfortable admitting it, said Benjamin Gallenson, a counselor at Framework Associates, a therapy practice in Santa Monica, California.

“It’s a good sign for the relationship when both partners can recognize their own shortcomings,” he said. “It’s even better when both partners have the ability to let go of their ego and defenses and admit fault. Introspection like that is unique.”

When you're a good match, you see yourself as a team, so arguments aren't about "winning."

5. Your close friends are big fans

Your best friends have had a front-row seat to your dating life: They’ve seen the good, the bad and the ugly during your dating app days. They know what unhealthy relationship patterns you’re trying to nip in the bud. That makes them uniquely qualified to give their opinion on your new partner and the impact that person has on you, Howes said.

“Old friends know your dirty laundry and have a perspective on you that predates the life you currently live,” he explained. “They’ll know whether your current mate is an improvement on your relationship trajectory or a regression.”

Early on in your relationship, ask yourself this: Are you confident that your new S.O. will get your friends’ stamp of approval or are they going to tell you you’re sliding back into your old ways with them?

“While your friends aren’t the ultimate authority on your life, they may have a perspective worth listening to,” Howes said.

6. You’re proud to call them your partner

At the end of the day, you’re proud to have this person by your side ― and they feel exactly the same way about you, said Kathleen Dahlen deVos, a psychotherapist based in San Francisco.

“Whether it’s their dedication to their career, passion for volunteer work, commitment to friends and family or the knowledge that you could take them anywhere and they could hold their own, you are proud to know this person and to have them by your side,” she said.

Falling in love is always wonderful, but falling in love with someone you think makes the world a better place is something else entirely, she said. Their shine rubs off on you and vice versa.

“This sense of pride infuses your relationship with a deep sense of gratitude for them, which is a wonderful ingredient for long-term success,” she said. “And when you know that your partner feels just as proud to be with you, it sets up a relationship that’s based not just on love, but mutual appreciation.”

05/14/2019

How Psychotherapy Can Help Reduce Destructive Behaviors that Prevent Growth and Happiness – Psychotherapy Can Lead to Mental Health

Psychotherapy is about learning who you are, why you act and think the way you do, and realizing that you can change and et go of long-held beliefs that have guided your behavior and reaction to others, creating problems in your life. Psychotherapy can intense, sometimes painful, rewarding and freeing because it allow you to live a life you choose with the people you want in your life. If:

1. You don’t get angry
Good mental health is not about being nice; it’s about managing your emotions to achieve the best possible outcomes. Sometimes this means showing people that you’re upset, sad, or frustrated. Constantly masking your emotions with happiness and positivity isn’t genuine or productive. In the same way, if anger is your only emotion, psychotherapy can help you become a fully emotional person, and that is a good thing.

2. You get stressed easily
When you stuff your feelings, they quickly build into the uncomfortable sensations of tension, stress, and anxiety. Unaddressed emotions strain the mind and body. Understanding yourself through psychotherapy will help make stress more manageable by enabling you to spot and tackle tough situations before things escalate.

People who fail to address stress are more likely to turn to other, less effective means of managing their mood. They are twice as likely to experience anxiety, depression, substance abuse, and even thoughts of su***de.

3.You have difficulty asserting yourself
One of the key benefits of psychotherapy is learning to set boundaries. This goes along with balancing good manners, empathy, and kindness with the ability to assert oneself and establish boundaries. This tactful combination is ideal for handling conflict. When most people are crossed, they default to passive or aggressive behavior. Learning about oneself in psychotherapy helps us to remain balanced and assertive by steering ourselves away from unhealthy emotional reactions. This enables us to neutralize difficult and toxic people without creating enemies.

4. You have a limited emotional vocabulary
All people experience emotions, but it is a select few who can accurately identify them as they occur. Research shows that only 36% of people can do this, which is problematic because unlabeled emotions often go misunderstood nd leads to irrational choices and counterproductive actions. People who have embraced psychotherapy have learned to master their emotions because they understand them, and they use an extensive vocabulary of feelings to do so. While many people might describe themselves as simply feeling “bad,” these people can pinpoint whether they feel “irritable,” “frustrated,” “downtrodden,” or “anxious.” The more specific your word choice, the better insight you have into exactly how you are feeling, what caused it, and what you should do about it.

5. You make assumptions quickly and defend them vehemently
People who have never experienced psychotherapy can form an opinion quickly and then succumb to confirmation bias, meaning they gather evidence that supports their opinion and ignore any evidence to the contrary. More often than not, they argue to support it. This is especially dangerous for leaders, as their under-thought-out ideas become the entire team’s strategy. Healthy people let their thoughts marinate because they know that initial reactions are driven by emotions. They give their thoughts time to develop and consider the possible consequences and counter-arguments. Then, they communicate their developed idea in the most effective way possible, taking into account the needs and opinions of their audience.

6. You hold grudges
The negative emotions that come with holding on to a grudge are actually a stress response. Just thinking about the event sends your body into fight-or-flight mode, a survival mechanism that forces you to stand up and fight or run for the hills when faced with a threat. When a threat is imminent, this reaction is essential to your survival, but when a threat is ancient history, holding on to that stress wreaks havoc on your body and can have devastating health consequences over time. In fact, researchers have shown that holding on to stress contributes to high blood pressure and heart disease. Holding on to a grudge means you’re holding on to stress, and people who have had psychotherapy learn to avoid this. Letting go of a grudge not only makes you feel better now but can also improve your health.

7. You don’t let go of mistakes
Mentally healthy people do not distance themselves from their mistakes, they try to learn from them. Dwelling too long on your mistakes makes you anxious and gun shy, while forgetting about them completely makes you bound to repeat them. The key is to understand that mistakes are helpful - it means you are trying, and if you fail, there is something positive to learn. This creates the tendency to get right back up every time you fall down.

8. You often feel misunderstood
When you do not have the benefit of psychotherapy, it’s hard to understand how you come across to others. You feel misunderstood because you don’t deliver your message in a way that people can understand. Even with practice, mentally healthy people know that they don’t communicate every idea perfectly. They catch on when people don’t understand what they are saying, adjust their approach, and re-communicate their idea in a way that can be understood.

9. You don’t know your triggers
Everyone has triggers — situations and people that push their buttons and cause them to act impulsively. Mentally healthy people know their triggers and use this knowledge to sidestep situations and people before they get the best of them.

10. You blame other people for how they make you feel
Emotions come from within. It’s tempting to attribute how you feel to the actions of others, but a mentally healthy person understands why they feel what they feel and takes responsibility for his or her emotions.

11.You’re easily offended
If you have a firm grasp of who you are, it’s difficult for someone to say or do something that gets your goat. Mentally healthy people are self-confident and open-minded, which create a pretty thick skin. You may even poke fun at yourself or let other people make jokes about you because you are able to mentally draw the line between humor and degradation.

For more information, see my website: www.rancho-mirage-psychotherapy.info or call my office at 760-766-1622.

Individual and couples counseling, counseling for men and women

04/28/2019

For Kids With Anxiety, Parents Learn To Let Them Face Their Fears
ANGUS CHEN

The first time Jessica Calise can remember her 9-year-old son Joseph's anxiety spiking was about a year ago, when he had to perform at a school concert. He said his stomach hurt and he might throw up. "We spent the whole performance in the bathroom," she recalls.

After that, Joseph struggled whenever he had to do something alone, like showering or sleeping in his bedroom. He would beg his parents to sit outside the bathroom door or let him sleep in their bed. "It's heartbreaking to see your child so upset and feel like he's going to throw up because he's nervous about something that, in my mind, is no big deal," Jessica says.

Jessica decided to enroll in an experimental program, one that was very different from other therapy for childhood anxiety that she knew about. It wasn't Joseph who would be seeing a therapist every week — it would be her.

The program was part of a Yale University study that treated children's anxiety by teaching their parents new ways of responding to it.
"The parent's own responses are a core and integral part of childhood anxiety," says Eli Lebowitz, a psychologist at the Yale School of Medicine who developed the training.
For instance, when Joseph would get scared about sleeping alone, Jessica and her husband, Chris Calise, did what he asked and comforted him. "In my mind, I was doing the right thing," she says. "I would say, 'I'm right outside the door' or 'Come sleep in my bed.' I'd do whatever I could to make him feel not anxious or worried."
But this comforting — something psychologists call accommodation — can actually be counterproductive for children with anxiety disorders, Lebowitz says.

"These accommodations lead to worse anxiety in their child, rather than less anxiety," he says. That's because the child is always relying on the parents, he explains, so kids never learn to deal with stressful situations on their own and never learn they have the ability to cope with these moments.

"When you provide a lot of accommodation, the unspoken message is, 'You can't do this, so I'm going to help you,' " he says.
Lebowitz wondered if it would help to train parents to change that message and to encourage their children to face anxieties rather than flee from them.

Currently the established treatment for childhood anxiety is cognitive behavioral therapy delivered directly to the child.
When researchers have tried to involve parents in their child's therapy in the past, the outcomes from studies suggested that training parents in cognitive behavioral therapy didn't make much of a difference for the child's recovery. Lebowitz says that this might be because cognitive behavioral therapy asks the child to change their behavior. "When you ask the parents to change their child's behavior, you are setting them up for a very difficult interaction," he says.

Instead, Lebowitz's research explores whether training only the parents without including direct child therapy can help. He is running experiments to compare cognitive behavioral therapy for the child with parent-only training. A study of the approach appeared in the Journal of the American Academy of Child & Adolescent Psychiatry last month.

Jessica Calise received 12 weeks of Lebowitz's parent training as part of a follow-up study, the results of which are not yet published.
Once a week, she drove from Norwalk, Conn., to Yale University for an hourlong session with a therapist. Like all the parents who went through Lebowitz's training program, Jessica began forming a plan with the therapist on how she and her husband would stop swooping in when Joseph became anxious.

The key to doing that, Lebowitz says, is to make children feel heard and loved, while using supportive statements to build their confidence. Parents need to "show their child that they understand how terrible it is to feel anxious," he says. They need to accept that their child is "genuinely anxious and not just being attention seeking," he adds.

The next step is to tell children that "they can tolerate that anxiety and they don't need to be rescued from it." This helps give them the strength to face their fears, Lebowitz says.

This approach was hard at first, says Joseph's father, Chris Calise. He's a construction equipment operator, roughly 6 feet tall, with a frame as solid as brick. "The hardest hump for me was the way I was brought up," he says, rapping his fingers against the kitchen table. "I always thought the way you do things [is to say], 'Get over it. You're fine. Suck it up.' But it was obvious what we were doing wasn't working."

So, the parents committed themselves to a plan to get Joseph to feel comfortable sleeping and showering alone.
"It was baby steps first. I'd say, 'I'm not going to stay [outside the bathroom], but I'll come back and check on you in five minutes,' " Jessica says. "Then I would say, 'I know it's scary for you, but I know that you can do it. You're going to do great.' Just acknowledging the anxiety and providing the reinforcing statement."

It was slow at first, Jessica says. But each time, as she'd been trained, Jessica would praise Joseph when he managed to pass the time on his own. "[We'd] say like, 'Wow, you're a rock star! You were nervous and scared, but you did it, and you can do it,' " she says.

And, slowly, Joseph started to spend longer amounts of time by himself, eventually sleeping on his own all night. "It was about halfway through when you really started noticing big differences," Chris recalls. "He was becoming more confident. He just did things on his own without us having to ask or tell him."
Many parents in Lebowitz's recently published study had a similar experience. Nearly 70 percent of the 64 children who were assigned to the parent-training arm of the experiment had no anxiety by the end of the study.

"It is amazing. It is really exciting. These children had never met a therapist and were as likely to be cured of their anxiety disorder as the children who had 12 sessions of the best therapy available," Lebowitz says of the results of his recently published study.
The parent training seems to work because it lets children confront their anxieties while parents provide love and support from afar, says Anne Marie Albano, a psychologist at Columbia University who did not work on the study.

"You coach the child a bit but don't take over. It's helping the child stumble into their own way of coping and ride whatever wave of anxiety they're having," she says. "That ultimately builds their confidence."

That suggests this parent training has a lot of potential to advance childhood anxiety treatment, Albano says. "It is preliminary, but this paper is very exciting to me as someone who worked for 30 years in this field," she says. "This treatment brings in the parents, finally, and focuses on the ways parents need [to stop] taking over, to break the cycle of anxiety in kids."

Lebowitz's parent training is theoretically similar to traditional therapy, says Muniya Khanna, a psychologist at Children's Hospital of Philadelphia and director of the OCD & Anxiety Institute in Philadelphia, who was not involved with the work. "But, this gets at it from a different angle," she says. "It targets lifestyle change and says, yes, if you change lifestyle and family life, it can have almost the same effect as changing the child's theoretical understanding about [anxiety]."

Khanna thinks that combining this parent program with traditional therapy might yield even better results, particularly for children who haven't responded to behavioral therapy alone. "It's encouraging for families where kids may not be developmentally or emotionally ready to take on cognitive behavioral therapy," she says.

The study leaves many unanswered questions, Albano adds. "This is only a short-term outcome. We need to follow up [with] the kids at six months, 12 months, even several years," she says. Not only does it remain to be seen if the benefits from the parent training persist as the child gets older, but more research will also need to be done to see if the same techniques will continue to work as children age into teenagers.

Jessica and Chris Calise say that they even use the techniques they learned through the parent-training program with Joseph's twin sister and older brother, Isabella and Nicholas. "It's important to validate your kids' feelings and show them that we care," Jessica says. "I think this taught us to communicate better. I think it made us better parents, quite honestly."

Joseph says he no longer feels anxiety about being alone. He doesn't enjoy it, "but I'm OK with it," he says. He has learned to banish the frightening thoughts that would come when he was by himself and that kept him up at night. "If I get a nightmare, I just change the subject to something happy," he says. "Then I'm fine."

New fears come up from time to time — like a recently discovered fear of heights. But with his parents' support, Joseph says, he's learning to face these too. "I think I'll be OK," he says. "I'll just try to do it."

If you feel ignored, put down or are not good enough, or if you find you have to "walk on eggshells" or you fear confrontation, then maybe it is time to discover how psychotherapy can help you grow and be the person you want.

02/23/2019

Anger and Depression

Anger and depression in children, teens and adults, is often a way we avoid deeper, more uncomfortable feelings. You can think of anger and depression as a "cover" feeling, a way a person, unconsciously, tries to hide a more upsetting feeling or thought, Anger and depression become ways to protect ourselves from thoughts and feelings that we do not want to face. These thoughts and feelings usuially revolve around guilt or shame or hurt, often stemming from a traumatic experience and for which we sometime begin to blame ourself.

Sometimes, current events can trigger memories of these painful thoughts sand feelings and we may quickly cover them up with anger or depression.

Therapy can help by creating a safe place for the individual to gently revisit the trauma and re-experience it in a different way beginning to see the trauma as it truly was: where the individual was the victim, not the perpetrator and where the victim actually has no guilt and shame. Relief and healing can be the result.

If you or someone you know struggles with anger or depression, call me to see if I can help at 760-766-1622.

01/19/2019

Hello,

I am a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist and I work with individuals and couples.

My approach, based on over 20 years of experience, is caring, empathic and direct. I explain how all of us enter into relationships based on how our parents raised us and how we recreate the family issues of our youth. (There is truth in the expression, "She married her father").

With that awareness and a desire to change, learning about our own fears and what we have doe to avoid them, and learning how to set boundaries and enforcing those boundaries, you can learn that relationships change and lives can get better. Along the way, your true self emerges and an unfamiliar and long repressed set of thoughts and emotions. This can be challenging as you get used to being real and feel safe to express yourself, your anger and your job. There can also be sadness and grief as the old, familiar but unhappy values f your youth begin to die replaced by a healthier you.

This can be intense and exciting and rewarding. Feeling emotions long suppressed can be frightening at first but soon becomes the norm, Your life can be transformed,

If you want to be the person you always admired and knew to be inside yourself, call me and we can discuss how that can work for you.

760-766-1622

If you feel ignored, put down or are not good enough, or if you find you have to "walk on eggshells" or you fear confrontation, then maybe it is time to discover how psychotherapy can help you grow and be the person you want.