12/03/2021
Grief, Holidays, & Connection
— what we and others can do to support grief —
Grief does not discriminate because death does not discriminate, and loss will, eventually, affect us all.
For many who have already suffered the catastrophic death of someone they deeply love, the holidays mark a significant and painful reminder of that person’s absence during, what is culturally recognized as, a time of celebration.
Often, those mourning the catastrophic death of a loved one, like bereaved parents, partners, grandparents, or siblings, suffer in silence during the holiday, trying very hard to put on a “game face” or what I like to call the mask of the happiness-cult.
Yet, for some mourners, this forced inauthenticity may exacerbate their already fragile emotional state, making them feel disconnected from family, friends and other loved ones during the holidays. It can also create an environment where we disconnect from our own true feelings in an attempt to suppress our own justifiable sadness.
So what do we do as mourners when others, all around us, are celebrating and when we are not willing to decry our own very authentic experiences?
And how can others support us at these very painful times?
In more than two decades of working with and researching the traumatically bereaved I found some things which may help connect us deeply with self, other, and the natural world during - what can be - a very overwhelming time of year:
1. Share your feelings openly and honestly with others directly may help them to understand. Sometimes, the process of discussing the loved one who died before the gathering begins can relieve the tension others may feel wondering, “Should I talk about this or not?” It's okay to say to family or friends, "I know I'm going to be feeling really sad this holiday season. I'd really like to offer a moment of silence in his (or her) honor (or another ritual) so that we can all remember together."
Others: please say their names. Remember them and their place in the family. And please, don’t change the subject or leave the room or panic if we cry. Tears are ok. If you are hosting, tag others who will be in attendance in this post so they are prepared with compassion and grief sensitivity.
2. Rituals are often very helpful, especially new ones. A few ideas, for example, include setting an empty chair(s) at the table to honor him/her/them, lighting a candle and having a moment of silence at the beginning of the holiday meal, sharing a memory of him/her/them while holding hands in a circle, asking family members to make a donation to a specific charity in his/her name, setting an empty place at the table for him/her and asking each person to tell their favorite memory, volunteering as a family in his/her memory, buying a gift for a child the same age and donating it, or a craft-making project where family and friends make a memento, a project (like wind chimes) or an ornament in his/her memory. This not only gives others permission to share their feelings but also brings people together through active remembering.
Others: ask if you can help plan or support a specific ritual to remember the loved one. Then really show up for the plan with your whole heart. One idea is to ask them if they’d like to bring a framed photo and then place it in a special area for others to see. Prepare others attending that this is happening and give them clear instructions on how to be supportive. You can even tag them in this post or forward it.
3. Speaking of connection, local support groups, if they are well facilitated, can be very helpful. Empirical research suggests that social support is one of the most important variables in helping grievers cope. There are many grief groups that meet in person and online. Even social media can be used to help connect grievers to one another. If you're feeling lonely in grief this holiday, connect with others. The MISS Foundation has online support groups called the Forums (missfoundation.org/forums)
Others: even those who aren’t actively grieving can be a source of support just through deeply listening to their emotional expression. Ask them: “how are you, really?” and then be prepared to suspend judgment about how you *think* they should be. Accept their emotional expression with love and compassion. If there’s an animal in the house, invite the griever/s to spend time with the animal (or to bring their own animals off at all possible). In my research, animals were cited as the best source of social support for grievers, above all other human groups like neighbors, medical staff, and clergy.
4. Find the sun and get out into nature if weather permits. Take a walk, hike, or just sit outside. If that’s not possible, then bring nature inside. Create an indoor window garden with plants or a sand garden with stones and leaves or other tactile focused items of nature. When possible, expose yourself to natural sunlight at least a few minutes each day.
Others: if weather permits, consider spending some time outdoors during the holiday or going for a short stroll. If not plan the holiday meal near a window. Consider adorning your house with plants instead of man made decorations.
5. Move your body. Exercise, even just walking or gentle yoga, can help increase our ability to cope with painful emotional states.
Others: offer to take a walk with them. Ask if they’d rather walk silently or talk during the walk. Use this time to listen and keep the focus of the conversation where they direct it. You can also dedicate a 30 minute yoga practice to the person who died. Or if you’re industrious, you could co- create a project such as building a small remembrance table together.
6. Practice intentional solitude using contemplative prayer, silent time, or meditation. Take a few minutes in the morning and evening to breathe slowly and deeply, eyes lightly closed. Focus on the stillness if you can, even if its only for 3-4 minutes. Keep this practice going.
Others: offer a few minutes of silence to honor the person who died. Be sure to ask consent from the griever. You can also offer a meditation or contemplative prayer honoring the person and also the person’s grief.
7. Change your routine. From the small things like changing the music you play when putting up the tree or editing the dinner menu to leaving town for a planned holiday getaway, novelty can also help us cope.
Others: ask the bereaved person what typical traditions feel too hard, for example traditional holiday music, and then be flexible about changing tradition to accommodate their comfort level.
8. If you are spending time with others during the holidays, tell them in advance of your fragility. Let them know that you may leave early (it’s nothing personal toward them), ask them if there is a quiet spot in the house where you can go to be alone if you need it, and tell them the ways in which you’d like them to discuss- or not to discuss- your feelings openly with others.
Others: create an intentional quiet space where grievers can be comfortable. Consider blankets and big cushions, incense or candles to light. Even an empty journal or pad to write might be a thoughtful offering.
9. Give others permission to talk about your precious loved one who died before, during, and after the holiday event. Tell them what you need instead of having them guess. Sometimes, fear gets in the way of others approaching the bereaved. You can write a letter delineating what you would like. For example, “Dear friends, At this time of year, we are struggling without our daughter, Jane, in our home. We know it is frightening but we’d like to ask you to talk about her with us and to ask how we are really doing. We’d like you to remember her in your prayers, and then tell us when you do. We’d like you to consider a donation to X charity in her name. Please send us emails rather than calling us. We find phone calls to be overwhelming right now. We’d appreciate help with meals during the week of Christmas. If you are able to leave a meal at the door, we’d appreciate it. Our friend, Mary, will be coordinating that for us. Please contact her at ###-###X. Finally, we love to receive cards so please keep them coming. We love hearing your favorite memories of Jane. Thank you. We are grateful for your support, and will need it for many years to come.”
Others: please paint a rock or buy a special gift for them that memorializes the person who died.
10. Finally, give yourself permission to take care of you and your family first. It is okay to turn down invitations to events, to cut back on holiday celebrations and décor, and to ask for help with child family members who may also be grieving. Eat well, get enough rest when you can, and watch alcohol/drug consumption. Stress, naturally, distracts us from self-care, so you’ll need to be more vigilant during this time of year.
Others: if your invitation is declined, your feelings may be hurt. Please try to understand that the grieving person is hurting beyond what he or she or they can explain. Meet them with tenderness and compassion and center those needs above your own. Also, thank you for reading this far.
There is no question that, for many, grief and the sense of isolation and loneliness amplifies during holidays. These types of practices may help us all remain more aware, compassionate, and feeling more connected to those around us who love us, to our precious one who died, and to a deeper and wounded part of our self. Together, connected, we can get through these very hard holidays.
Grief, Holidays, and Connection by Dr. Joanne Cacciatore
"Bearing the Unbearable: Love, loss, and the heartbreaking path of grief" available now on Amazon-
https://www.amazon.com/Bearing-Unbearable-Love-Heartbreaking-Grief/dp/1614292965
