01/10/2024
Life managed to extract a few tears from me today.
I sat in the kitchen of our apartment this early morning. After the sun finally settled his spot for most of the day, the massive windows escorted the affable light inside. I couldn't see the sun from where I sat, but I knew it was nestled somewhere comfortably within the cerulean chiffon draped above me.
They managed to extract a few tears from me today...
The heavens are a light blue today… a perfect marriage of bright and soft azure… welcoming the interruption of a few happy clouds. I looked through the large glass dripping with the bright white light as I picked at my Banjo. Somehow, I managed to find the right strings (most of the time), yet I thought nothing about where my pick was going. Instead, I thought about the farm I could easily see in the distance. The farm that nurtured my children for a good chunk of their lives. The farm that nurtured many other children… animals… and adults. I could see the farm that healed my soul from here.
The only thing between this apartment and that farm is a couple miles of golden prairie, two bare trees, and the houses of the bullies that make it hard for me to go home. I guess the farm couldn't nurture a few that lived closely.
They managed to extract a few tears from me today.
Though the aching had been swelling in my gut more every day for nearly a year, I was too busy fighting and defending to let the lump in my soul breathe at all. The pain was buried under the agony of losing my dad and all the go-go it takes to defend what is mine. I guess… maybe… this morning I had put down the weapons to pick pathetically at my instrument, because…
They managed to extract a few tears from me today.
I went somewhere I have not gone since this whole thing started. I miss my horses. My heart visited them each individually as my eyes locked on the last place I felt and smelled their warm soft muzzle next to my face. I went to a place I had been so scared to go since the horse magic was stripped from the farm.
I miss you, Kola (my baby boy). I miss you, Ruby-Cakes (our sassy redhead). I miss you, Dashy (our sweet lovey). I miss you Shay, (our nanny-girl). I miss you Wildfire (our teacher), I miss you, Comet (our quirky jokester), I miss you, Sammy (our big ol’ guy in a little body). I miss you, Maria (our stubborn girl who puts “smart” in the smart ass). I miss you, Bethlehem (our teddy bear-eared girl who enables her mother.)
They managed to extract a few tears from me today.
I am as strong as I ever was. I am still fighting…. Just like I have been my WHOLE life. Who knew bullies hand haters sometimes become grown-up bullies and grown-up haters? Give them badges or money and they become a little more empowered than in my youth, but everything else is the same with them. I am just waiting for the opportunity to kick their ass one time. I have learned that is all it takes. Getting that opportunity was a lot easier in my youth. I just started throwing fists. It’s a little more complicated these days (though… Tammy-Girl ain’t opposed if they wanna handle it that way😊). Tamara wants to stay out of jail. It is boring as s**t.
I am still strong… I am still fighting… I am still trying to do the next right thing… I am still holding my head up… but…
They managed to extract a few tears from me today…
I miss my horses…
