The TBH Therapist

12/17/2024

2024 marked my…

45th year of life
25th year of marriage
25th year of motherhood
13th year of living out my purpose as a social worker
6th year of practicing outside of structural limitations

My two greatest mindset achievements through each of these milestones thus far have been:

1) Since it's not a matter of if but a matter of when, I choose not to live in anticipation of the shoe dropping. And when the shoe drops, I know it will eventually be okay because…

2) The meaning of pain changes over time as long as I choose to accept and metabolize it.

While I didn't love the many, many hell and back journeys life rudely hurled at me, I've been really appreciating the destination. This year, in particular, presented meaningful opportunities to lean into these old wounds and share what I've learned with others without judgment or shame. For the first time in my life, I noticed a genuine appreciation for my past suffering because the transformed pain brought comfort and solace to other going through their own suffering.

I know there are more hell and back journeys in store for me, and I know that it'll be okay.

Whether this was a great, horrible or somewhere in between type of year, may the rest of December be filled with a transcendent peace, comfort and joy.

08/03/2023

I blinked, and we're more than halfway through 2023. I started off this year with the reminder that our intentions don't excuse the impact of what we say and do. Here's my mid-year follow-up:

𝗢𝗻 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗳𝗹𝗶𝗽 𝘀𝗶𝗱𝗲 𝗼𝗳 𝘁𝗵𝗲 𝗰𝗼𝗶𝗻, 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗮𝗿𝗲 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝘀𝗶𝗯𝗹𝗲 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗵𝗼𝘄 𝘆𝗼𝘂 𝗿𝗲𝗰𝗲𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗮𝗻𝗱 𝗿𝗲𝘀𝗽𝗼𝗻𝗱 𝘁𝗼 𝗶𝗻𝗳𝗼𝗿𝗺𝗮𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻.

This year marked my 24th wedding anniversary. My husband and I beat so many of the odds stacked up against us. We had really bad relationship habits and communication patterns and, consequently, we are very familiar with the experience of being in a miserable relationship with two lonely people.

On the road to transformational change, we each had to pull over from time to time - sometimes for days and weeks - to check ourselves. We learned to take pauses and self-reflect. We'd ask ourselves:

• Am I personalizing what was said?
• Am I responding out of irritation/frustration/anger?
• Are my urges to defend myself getting in the way of having a reciprocal conversation?

If we said 'yes,' to any of the above, we committed to taking responsibility for our side of the street (an AA principle). We both started to see the transformation when we 𝙗𝙤𝙩𝙝 took responsibility for our sides of the street. It started with taking pauses to back out of the reflexive responses. It evolved to engaging each other in meaningful dialogue grounded in love & respect, care for the other person and good will.

It's far from perfect. It's requires consistent effort... and 𝗜𝘁'𝘀 𝘀𝗼 𝗺𝘂𝗰𝗵 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿.

01/15/2023

Crawled to the 2022 finish line. Sprinted into 2023. Rainy Saturday in So CA means pajama day for me. It's been a hot minute since I've had the time and energy to pour the thoughts swirling in my mind into a post and here goes...

Intimate relationships are both critical to our well-being and THEY. ARE. SO. HARD. We can probably come up with a laundry list of reasons why our most intimate relationships are so challenging. Here's one common reason I see - we tend to prioritize our intentions over the impact of our actions. Here's how it can play out:

• "I didn't mean it that way."
• "It's because I care."
• "No, you don't get it. I'm coming from a good place."

Our intentions do not take priority over or excuse the impact that our words and actions have on the people we care about the most. When we do prioritize our intentions over the impact, there can be a high cost, including the erosion of trust over time, because we invalidate the very person we care so much about and… invalidation hurts.

In lieu of the former, start with actively listening to the person you care so much for and take responsibility for the impact your words and actions have even if it wasn't what you intended. Instead try:

"I can see what I said or did hurt you and may have left you feeling misunderstood. That wasn't my intention, AND I take responsibility for my actions. Would you help me to better understand ____ when you're ready?"

Keep in mind... this is a first step. Reciprocity is pivotal in developing and maintaining trust and respect in our most intimate relationships.

Special note to parents… our kids may not reciprocate - sometimes for years - and we are the role-models who set the tone.

05/31/2022

Sometimes… Oftentimes, our actions - those things we say and do - are motivated by the best of intentions and come from a place of caring AND can be misguided.

I took my oldest (now 22) out on a date last week. We went to dinner, watched the Kings game and caught a late night movie. Obviously, we had to support Everything Everywhere All At Once and, oy, were we surprised to walk away feeling both vulnerable and grateful. (HIGHLY recommend watching it while it's still in the theaters.) Without giving it away if you haven't already seen it, it sparked a sweet moment between us while we walked back to the car. As young parents...

My husband and I did the best we could to raise our girls. What we wouldn't do and sacrifice for them. When I look back now, I realize how our "feedback" was critical, our "tough love" fell short of meeting unseen needs and our ideas of "help" were misdirected… all motivated by love and care and all sources of hurt and injury. While we can't go back in time, we can work towards a better tomorrow. As a family...

We started the journey to healing and restoration years ago... and that journey started with understanding one another and being kind. We each took responsibility for our roles. My husband and I took the lion's share by acknowledging, listening to and sitting with the hurt WITHOUT caring from our old patterns. After our day in and day out efforts...

It was a sweet moment to walk back to the car together and to hear my daughter acknowledge that she's been hurt by us over the years without the anguish, express understanding that her mom and dad did the best they could and agreed that we would always work to keep doing better for each other. It's an everyday - sometimes every moment - work in progress that we will never give up on.

As has been very consistent in my parenting journey, I've learned so much more from my kids. My little girl reminds me daily that acts of caring need to start with understanding and kindness.

01/23/2022

How are we already at the end of January? And Happy New Year!

2022's been off to a running start, and I took a moment to slow down and share my thoughts on 10 Tips for Effective Therapy because not all therapy is effective. Regardless of whether you're considering therapy for the first time or you've been in therapy before, I'm hoping you'll find some helpful tips.

Here's the link to the full article: https://www.tbhtherapylcs.com/post/10-tips-for-effective-therapy

*** *** *** *** ***

Last year was an insanely busy year, in large, thanks to the direct and indirect impacts of the pandemic. I anticipate this year will piggy back off of last year. I talked to a lot of people reaching out for therapy for the first time or looking for something different. Of the 68 new inquiries I received, I completed 68 teleconsultations. In each of those conversations with people and couples who were suffering, I was intentional about destigmatizing mental health, pointing out the courage it took to reach out and reiterating that this process was about them and not me. My heart for each of these people was for them to gain insight into what to anticipate/expect from the process and to get connected to effective therapy. And that's my hope for you.

12/04/2021

"Fear is your friend. It is an indicator. Sometimes it shows you what you shouldn't do. More often than not, it shows you what you should do." - Tim Ferriss

I'm - without question - a workaholic. My drive and work ethic undoubtedly stems from my 1st gen working class immigrant parents. My passion to help others stems from all of my hell and back journeys… including the work-related ones.

No child has ever said, "I want to be a social worker when I grow up," and there are children who grow up and decide to become social workers. In 2019, over 29,546 master's level social workers joined the ranks of this grossly undervalued and (often) underpaid profession at such a critical time. And this was my calling.

The work we tackle as social workers is tough. We serve the homeless, chronically & terminally ill, mentally ill, foster care youth, hurting families and communities… Yet my greatest challenge hasn't been the people we serve but my managers, employers and the company culture.

After putting in well over 40 hours and told I couldn't flex my time to recuperate and spend time with my (then) young children, I was told my voice didn't matter.

After being put in multiple unsafe situations and advocating for a workplace safety training, I was given "feedback" I had a Type A personality.

After improving systems, caring for my team & the patients we served together, and jumping in to be a team player, I was bullied by my manager, who actually threatened to write me up for insubordination after I came in on my day off to take care of payroll.

After restructuring a program that served the most complex patients, I was told I cared too much. I told myself I needed to make it work for the pay and benefits.

Each of these experiences prompted so much fear and anxiety from all the "what ifs" and catastrophizing the worst. Stepping out of that fear into the unknown paid off each time. Not always in the short run… absolutely, in the long run bc it taught me

• My voice does matter
• My love and eye for order and organization does not justify neglecting the safety of others, including mine.
• Workplace bullying is never okay nor is it ever justified.
• My paycheck and benefits are no good to me & my family if it degrades my health & well-being.
• Mosy importantly, I am worth it.

Now, I'm fully making the plunge into living out my social work wet dreams as . Cheers to a new chapter!

in the face of

09/03/2021

Reminder to Take A Break...

The theme the last few months has been "I can't seem to concentrate" and/or "I haven't been able to sleep well" and/or "I feel depressed and anxious" and/or "I just don't feel right" and/or "I just can't seem to get anything done." The common culprit has been and .

I'm egregiously guilty of it myself and here's what we're doing:

* We're scheduling back to back to back virtual meetings without working in meaningful breaks
* We're neglecting our body's needs for nutritious and balanced meals and to move
* We're worrying about work even when we're not working, which means we might as well be on the clock but not getting paid
* The worrying has our body all worked up so we can't sleep well at night
* We don't have the energetic, cognitive and emotional reserves to engage with family, friends and life
* Rinse and repeat this ineffective and harmful cycle

This day in and day out pattern has taken a toll and left us wondering, "How did I get here? This isn't me. I feel trapped." We have to be intentional about about breaking this pattern by making lifestyle changes.

Change is my worst enemy even when I can list the 100s of benefits for making that change. So, start with what's doable and achievable because even the small changes can set us on the path to the destination we want to get to. And make a verbal commitment to keep yourself accountable.

Taking these breaks to engage in life enhancing behaviors makes a difference. They may not be the fix to life's problems and taking break to refresh, restore and rejuvenate sure won't make things worse.

To practice what I've been preaching, I was very intentional about protecting my Monday to disengage from work and take a much needed break. As we head into the Labor Day weekend, remember to take a break, especially if you can relate.

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08/11/2021

**Note: Permission received from the husband before posting**

My husband and I have been married for 22 years. We fought like cats and dogs for the first 10 years, creating more hurt and misery in our relationship and family life. These old patterns made life absolutely intolerable for the both of us.

We've made some radical changes in our relationship around Year 10. (Hey, .) We accepted our own imperfections. We accepted each other's imperfections. We acknowledged that we were doing our best and made a commitment to do better... AND we invested the time and energy to intervene on those nasty old patterns that were creating a chasm in our relationship. It was work... A LOT OF WORK!

Despite ALL that work... old patterns have a way of sneaking in and throwing us off. Earlier this week, Jason and I got into it AFTER YEARS of managing conflict. We lost our sh*t on each other - hurling insults and entertaining our tempers. It was UGLY! 

Once I simmered down... Rather than beat myself up and work against myself, I choose to:

• Be a good friend to myself and practice self-compassion because I embrace that I'm far from perfect

• Take a step back from the situation to metabolize through the hurt that was clouding my judgment

• Take ownership of my mistakes by apologizing and making repairs where I could

• Take time to reflect so that I could learn as a process of working through my problems rather than sweeping them under the rug

Even though those old patterns snuck in, we've both reacted to the hurt and conflict with much more skill and effectiveness (in large, thanks to what we've learned and made a commitment to practice through the ). It's made all the difference in how we recovered from the conflict.

No matter what those old patterns stem from - relationships, anxiety reactions, family of origin issues - learn to work with yourself and not against yourself. It might just make all the difference in how you recover if that pesky old pattern that sneaks in.

07/01/2021

"If we could learn how to balance rest against effort, calmness against strain, quiet against turmoil, we would assure ourselves of joy in living and psychological health for life." - Josephine Rathborn

is to: (1) "refrain from labor or exhaustion" or (2) "be free from anxiety or disturbance."

Relaxation is (1) "the state of being free from tension and anxiety" or (2) "the action of making a rule or restriction less strict."

Rejuvenation is "the action or process of giving new energy or vigor to something."

I set aside a FULL WEEK to disconnect (as much as possible) for the first time in my life. I genuinely feel rejuvenated after resting and relaxing in ways that truly filled me up.

I learned that I'm definitely not someone who can sit poolside and bask in the sun for hours at a time. Just watching others do it made me feel restless. I also learned to accept me for me (again) and embrace how my spirit is renewed through different forms of resting and relaxing.

For me R&R were most achievable by mindfully:

• Sticking my personal commitment to disconnect from work
• Calming, reigning in and quieting my Doing Mind that kept wandering off to work mode
• Detaching from expectations, agendas and to do lists
• Exploring and connecting with nature and taking mental snapshots of the sights that took my breath away
• Savoring the moment
• Listening to my body and taking naps
• Practicing gratitude and flexibility
• Throwing myself into the moment and going with the flow
• Setting emotional boundaries and spending time with only people who fill my cup
• Taking moments to myself to do whatever I wanted to do

One of my motto has been 'better late than never' for some time now. And it's better late than never to discover what R&R activities and states of mind work best for me, break cycles that no longer serve me and start new habits that rejuvenate and restore me to be the best me that I can be.

06/29/2021

Growing up I was only ever praised for outcomes, accomplishments and successes and never about the process. This shaped and groomed me to value productivity over my health and well-being without even realizing I was doing that. I was very often in the extreme of Doing Mind where it was one thing after another, after another (on repeat) even if I was falling apart inside. This pattern of toxic productivity used to be my knee-jerk reaction to work and life. I got really good at looking okay and even convinced myself I was okay when I really wasn't.

Up until recently, I convinced myself this was what I had to do for the sake of my family. I'm not quite so convinced of this anymore. My body, especially my GI system, was/still is literally screaming at me to re-evaluate how I valued productivity. In this re-evaluation process, I learned that I was operating from a place of toxic productivity when:

• I'm incredibly willfull about asking for help. I sit on my hands and push myself to "just do it."
• To the point I don't have anymore emotional fuel...
• And end up feeling completely depleted.
• I'm more likely to snap or be in a bad mood, specifically around my poor hubby & kids, because I'm completely depleted.
• Ultimately, my relationship and life are suffering.

I do value productivity BUT not at the cost of my health, relationships and quality of life.

The balance to productivity is rest, relaxation and restoration. The 3 Rs don't come naturally to me. In fact, they used to make me incredibly angsty and uncomfortable because anything other than being productive felt so unjustifiably wrong. Yet, we all need R&R REGULARLY because of its restorative and rejuvenating value. It's what facilitates healthy productivity.

I hadn't reached this point in years, but, many times during the pandemic, I got really close. It made a significant difference to be attuned to these signs so that I didn't fall back into the pattern of toxic productivity. And for the first time in my life, I've scheduled a FULL WEEK of the 3 Rs. Here's to breaking patterns!

06/16/2021

It's been beyond busy (which is why it's been a minute since I've posted anything).

I've been reflecting on this past year, and I've got no words. In talking to my nurse friends, it sounds like the ERs, ICUs and doctor's offices are getting back to a more manageable state. I wish I could say the same was true on the mental health side.

For me the storm hit in July. I started getting more calls and emails from folks looking for a therapist. Then, I noticed even more calls and emails in September and it really hasn't slowed down. I'm getting inquiries from people now who are desperate and in need but can't get a call back. I'm seeing therapist after therapist with full case loads and needing to refer out.

I've been working an average of 50-60 hrs/week since September and I am exhausted at this point. My practice reminds me I'm doing all that I can and that's enough - responding to emails and calls, taking the extra time to help people get connected, serving my patients and their families, providing mental health education to the community... and the list goes on.

I've been making time to reflect on the chaos of the last year and some months, and I've noticed that the feeling I'm most connected with is the feeling of . And I've been sitting with it because why gratitude?

Perhaps for the first time in my life, I'm genuinely grateful for my life's hardships, obstacles and adversities. I've taken the much harder path in life. I've had many doors closed. I've experienced painful disappointments. I've been to living hell my fair share of times. And in the midst of the turmoil, I used to question, "Why?" This chaotic season has helped me to find so much meaning in the windy life journey I've been on, and it's given all that pain a sense of purpose - and, for the first time, beyond my family. I am grateful that I landed right where I was meant to be. I don't believe in luck and I feel pretty lucky.

I'm so inspired and motivated to keep doing this good work. Here's to the rest of 2021... (after I get back from a much needed vacation).