02/18/2026
"I'm a Pickle"
I found this in one of my old journals from 1990.
I was 19 years old, sitting in a 5:30 pm AA meeting at the Smokehouse in Statesboro, GA. My whole life was ahead of me. College student. Future unwritten. Possibilities everywhere.
And I asked the question:
“How do I know I’m an alcoholic?
"Maybe I can go back to drinking like I used to when I first started.
Maybe it won’t become every day.
Maybe I can control it.
I won't drink liquor.
Maybe it won’t get that bad.”
I was bargaining.
Negotiating.
Hoping.
One of the old-timers, a retired professor from the University, looked at me calmly and said something I have never forgotten:
“Once a pickle, you can never go back to being a cucumber.”
That was it.
Simple. Direct. Unarguable.
A cucumber can become a pickle. But a pickle cannot become a cucumber again.
Something changes. Permanently.
Not just in addiction—but in awareness.
Once you see clearly, you cannot unsee.
Once you cross certain lines, you cannot uncross them.
Once you grow, you cannot truly return to who you were before you knew what you know now.
I didn’t fully understand it at 19.
But I understand it now.
I’ve used that one-liner throughout my career, with clients, and in my own life.
Not as a statement of limitation—but as a statement of truth.
It reminds me that growth changes us.
Healing changes us.
Awareness changes us.
And sometimes the greatest freedom comes not from trying to go back—but from accepting who you’ve become.
At 19 years old, I thought he was taking something away from me.
What I know now is—he was showing me the freedom that has been possible in my life.
I'm a pickle ;) Thank You Dave R.