Eastside Marriage & Family Therapy offers psychotherapy services to individuals, couples & families. Luckily communication is her niche.
Despina Mitchell M.S, LMFT graduated from the University of Rochester School of Medicine and Dentistry in 2006. She has been treating patients for over 18 years in the Rochester community. Throughout her years working with individuals, couples, and families, she has had the opportunity to practice in multiple clinic and community based settings before starting her private practice in 2013. Despina
is currently enrolled in the Integrative S*x Therapy Institute where she is actively working on her dual certification to be come a Certified S*x and Couples Therapist as well as a AASECT (American Association of S*xuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists) Certified S*x Therapist. Through her many years of working as a relationship therapist, Despina has found that the most common reason people come to therapy is for "communication issues". Communication appears to be the "safe word" to get couples into treatment. She prides herself on helping couples communicate in healthier ways using psycho education as well as exercises performed in and out of session. In working with couples to improve their communication, it is often discovered that below the surface of communication, a deeper struggles exists which involves intimacy. Intimacy requires vulnerability. When couples are struggling with connecting, vulnerability is usually the first thing that goes out the window. Engaging in any type of emotional or physical intimacy is inevitably going to be effected by this disconnect. Despina is hopeful that working together with her patients will help them find relief from some of the discomfort and shame around talking about all of the intimate parts of their relationship in a safe and nonjudgmental environment. The therapeutic process is a vulnerable and sometimes scary endeavor, which can feel complex at times. Through this endeavor it is important for patients to be “met where they are at” before moving forward. She views her patients as the experts in their lives and focuses treatment on helping them recognize what positive change “looks like” for them and identifying how she can work together with them to make that change. Though her specialty is working with families and couples in a marriage or committed relationship, she also enjoys working with individuals. Whether its dealing with depression, improving communication, conflict resolution, anxiety, mood disorders or processing trauma to name a few, she will work together with you to meet your goals in a safe and comfortable environment free of judgment. Despina is a Clinical Fellow of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy (AAMFT). She is also a member of the American Association of S*xuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT). She is certified in medical family therapy and currently serves as an advisory council member for Bryant & Stratton College OTA program as the interdisciplinary content expert in mental health.
Healthy, intimate relationships should not be viewed as a privilege. Intimacy and connection (physically, emotionally, and s*xually) are important needs that significantly impact human behaviors. Depending on your circumstance, this could be a good or bad thing.
This is not 1940. Many of our parents and grandparents grew up in a time where families stick together, no matter what. Blood is thicker than water. Separation and divorce were not an option. I am all for healing relationships and working through tough times in order to stay coupled. Having said that, there has to be more of a reason, than to do it for the kids. If we are being disrespectful to each other, hurting each other, or trying all of the things to connect in a loving and respectful way, but are not getting anywhere, we have to really think about that. I often ask my clients how their parents showed love. 90% of the time they look at me as if I have two heads. A majority of time the answer is, they didn’t. Then it starts to resonate why they themselves are struggling in their intimate relationships. We are not born, knowing how to be coupled. We are not born knowing how to be affectionate and how to show and receive love. This is a learned behavior. We either see it in our family or we don’t. But our past does not define our future. It informs it. Use your experience to make the changes you need to formulate the healthy partnership that you desire. The best thing you can do for your children is model self care.
There is a huge misconception that as humans, we are born knowing what healthy relationships look like and how to show up in them. Wishful thinking I suppose. Much like everything else in life from crawling, to walking, to talking and everything else that follows, these behaviors are learned with the help of others. The problem is that emotional intelligence (the ability to perceive, use, understand, manage, and handle emotions) cannot be taught if our caretakers are emotionally unintelligent. Often times this is not their fault. It takes generations, sometimes many, to create these patterns until finally a generation (or single member of a generation) comes around and decides they want to become differentiated and do the work to create a different narrative for the next generation to come. It would be much easier if we were born with this ability. The good news is that it is a learned behavior. So, even if it is not modeled in our family of origin, we are still able to do the work if we desire to do so.
What story do you tell yourself? About s*x? About partnership? About intimacy? The narratives we create in our own head, are often demonstrated in the way that we show up in our relationships. Taking a minute to think about the stories we create in our own mind will allow us to have a better understanding of why we behave the way we do in partnerships. Are we basing our actions on what we were told was acceptable? Are we accepting of situations that feel uncomfortable to us? Being able to differentiate our own thoughts from those that has been ingrained in our heads will allow us to have a better understanding of what WE want and need in order to be fulfilled in our relationships. It might not look like what we saw growing up. It might not look how we were told it should. And that’s ok.
All too often we look at the finish line to measure success. Breaking down the process allows us to enjoy our small victories along the way. Most of the time when people come into my office they express feelings of being overwhelmed. Afraid they will never reach their goals. I will often remind them about the progress they’ve already made. The first is acknowledging that there is an area they feel is problematic. The second is researching someone to help. And the third is fighting all of the noise and anxiety and actually showing up to the appointment. Pay attention to your small victories. They are all part of the measuring stick getting you to where you want to be.
Stop looking at the finish line to measure your progress in therapy. No matter what your goal is for starting therapy, it’s not going to happen over night. Or even weeks. If we just look at the finish line, we are not looking at the mile markers. The first one being that you gave yourself permission to acknowledge that there might be something that you would like to improve. The second is that you made an appointment to work on it. And the 3rd is that you showed up. Whether it’s for you as an individual or for your relationship. Sometimes the thought process alone of working on something to bring yourself more joy is a success. If we only look at the finish line, then we miss all of the milestones along the way. Give yourself some grace and trust the process. Happiness isn’t a race. It’s very often a crawl filled with many celebratory mile markers along the way.
Conversations about finding the perfect life partner seem to start at a very young age. We are conditioned to believe that there are certain measures that we will use to help us determine if these relationships are healthy and fulfilling. Some of the main measures used are friendship, financial stability, faithfulness, health, love, and career. If we are friends with our partner and enjoy spending time with them, we should be happy. If we are financially stable and not struggling, we should be happy. If nobody has cheated or gone outside of the relationship, we should be happy. If we have our health, we should be happy. If we love each other that should be enough to sustain a lasting relationship, we should be happy. if we have a career that supports our family and brings us joy, we should be happy. Yes, each of these things in and of themselves are important. But they are by no means justification to stay in a relationship that continues to make you feel unfulfilled. These measures give us a false sense of security. We use them to justify that the voids that we are experiencing are not that big of a deal. Unimportant. That we are being selfish for wanting more when on paper it looks like we have everything. Being unhappy in a relationship does not necessarily mean it is doomed. The important thing to remember is not to disregard your happiness. Communicate your needs, wants and desires. Though it can feel like the more difficult thing to do, in the end, it is by far the more rewarding option.
More often than not these phrases are used to provide comfort and support. At least that’s what the intention is. Being on the receiving end of somebody sharing their feelings, can put us in a position to feel like we have to fix them, to make them feel better, or to find a solution to their problem. Most times people are just wanting to be heard. Active listening requires no response but a safe paste to share instead.
“I made a vow” is a reason that is commonly listed on my intake forms for reasons that couples are coming to therapy. To most that would sound like a pretty good reason. However, vows are made in the beginning of a committed relationship. We don’t often revisit them as we grow. As our relationship grows. It is not common that you will hear vows that state “I want to be desired”, “I want to have good communication” or “I need more help.” The newness of relationships comes with so many highs and much excitement. We don’t plan for the long-haul. When couples start to feel a shift in the relationship, they go to the happiness checklists that our family and our society has created to identify markers for a healthy relationship. How are we financially? Are we healthy? Is anybody is suffering from substance use or abuse? Are our children thriving? The list goes on. Unless there is something significantly wrong, we have no reason to be unhappy. This mentality not only blocks us from truly being happy in our relationships. It also blocks us from being able to identify what happiness looks like for us. I encourage couples no matter how long they’ve been together to continue to do check ins. Reconstruct your vows as you change. When our vows change, we give our partners new information on ways we need them to show up for us. This process continues to foster curiosity while nurturing the secure bond between you and your partner all while decreasing resentment caused by years of feeling unfulfilled.
Quieting the noise from generations of our family as well as societal “norms” and expectations can be exhausting. What if you gave yourself permission to hold a magic wand and create your own happiness. Whatever that looks like to you. What would that look like?
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Dr. Gary Chapman developed the concept of love languages. He identified 5 ways in which individuals prefer to give and receive love. They are words of affirmation, physical touch, receiving gifts, quality time and acts of service. Words of affirmation consists of encouragement, affirmations, appreciation’s and being able to empathize and practice active listening. Physical touch is a nonverbal connection using body language and touch to express love. Receiving gifts is giving thoughtful gifts or extending kind gestures. Quality time includes uninterrupted and focused conversations. Intentional moments. This is typically done one on one. And lastly, acts of service, which is being intentional in your efforts to help your partner with tasks and chores letting them know that you are a supportive partner. Identifying your love language is not just to understand yourself. It’s also helps you understand how you show up for your partner and how you would prefer that they show up for you. Often times we give love the way that we like to receive it. If we do not understand our love language and the love language of our partner, we will likely be missing the efforts that they put forth in addition to feeling unseen with our own efforts.
The biggest barrier to finding time to spend with your partner is the idea that there is no time. All too often couples will think that in order to find time for themselves they need to plan a date night, go out to dinner, go away for a weekend or plan weeks in advance to make sure they have all of their ducks in a row. All of these things require time, money, and a lot of pre-planning. Three things which many couples do not have. I am a big fan of creating intentional moments that require less than 10 minutes, but more if time allows. In the big scheme of things, the reality is that less is more.
Lack of connection and communication are the number one reason that couples seek therapy services with me. Most of the work requires efforts that are not as grand as extravagant date nights, weekend getaways or monetary gifts. Start with these.
90% of my intake calls for couples therapy report that the reason they are seeking therapy is due to communication problems. Often times my finding is that they are able to talk to each other just fine. Communication seems to be the safe word to get couples into therapy. What they don’t want to share is that they are fine talking about day-to-day things. Kids, work, bills. The struggle is talking about anything below the surface. Needs, wants, desires, fears, etc. Anything that requires vulnerability. When I do timelines with the couples more often than not we are able to identify that the struggle began after having children. In society, we are taught that kids come first. We need to put our needs aside. The needs of our relationship aside. And live for our children. This is false and can be very damaging advice. There is a reason they tell you to put your own mask on when the plane comes crashing down. Of course we all want to save our children, but we are no good to them if we don’t have enough oxygen for ourselves. Permission to put your own mask on first
In my almost 20 years of doing couples work, I would need more than both hands to count the amount of times I have seen movies or media influence a partner’s decision of whether or not they want to continue the relationship. The bar gets raised to what can feel like an unrealistic height. Part of the reason these movies are so enticing is because they create a false sense of reality. They take us outside of our own lives and create what is more often than not merely a fantasy. That’s not to say that happy loving relationships are fake. You can have happiness and fulfillment while also having what feels like impossible challenges.
Love stories, television and social media. Creating myths about relationships for years. Setting unrealistic expectations of what true love looks like. Relationships are like roller coasters. The realistic ones include extremely high, highs, and the lowest of lows. With everything else in between and coming out together in the end to get back in line for another ride.
People in coupled relationships often use their partners efforts to determine how much they are willing to invest into the relationship themselves. Sometimes we give little or no grace on the days that they might not be showing up in the way that we would prefer. I like to measure things in intensity, frequency, and duration. How often is your experience that your partner is not putting in the effort. How how long has this been going on? How bad does it get? What things have you tried to process your experience?
Perfect and normal are trigger words for me. It’s not that I have a personal dislike for them. But I do struggle with the impact that these stereotypical terms have on individuals. It is not unusual for clients to come into my office with the goal of being perfect or normal. I have become immune to the surprised look on their face when I tell them that I do not think I can help them with that. Because I have no idea what either of those words mean. We use these terms to strive for what we think we should be striving for. What we feel would be acceptable by others. But in the end, what do either of those words mean. Our perception is a reality. What is perfect? What is normal? Permission to stop chasing this impossible fantasy.
Did you know? There are many more benefits to s*x aside from the obvious or**sm. Decreasing blood pressure, decreasing stress, and pumping up all of the hormones that help us feel happy, alive, and energized ☀️
*xualhealth
Bad habits. Bad relationships. Problematic behaviors. Identifying the things that make us unhappy is the easy part. Identifying ways to successfully change can be a bit more tricky. This process is a crawl, not a race. Thinking of the finish line can be extremely overwhelming. Instead, look at the mile markers along the way. Pick your poison and make a list of at least 3 things you can do to rid yourself of the toxins.
Sunshine is natures way of saying I got you ☀️
Effective communication does not always end up with two people agreeing with what the other person is saying. In actuality, some of the most effective and healthy discussions end with two people respectfully disagreeing. As humans we are conditioned to turn on response brain when we are being pursued to have a conversation. When we are in response brain we become ready to defend, justify, disagree, sympathize, fix,
relate etc. When that happens it is often the case that the sharer or person who initiated the discussion will wind up feeling as if their feelings/thoughts are being minimized. Even if the receiver has good intention. Ways to untangle these patterns include reconditioning ourselves to turn response brain off. This allows room for more productive active listening and validation. Sounds easy doesn’t it? Unfortunately , initially it is a bit more difficult that in sounds. The good news is, once you get it down, you will realize how relieving it is. How much the pressure decreases during conversation and how much less anxiety you have when you share difficult thoughts or feelings with others.
Friend. Family. Partners. Whatever the realtionship is, bottled up conflict will show up in other ways. Think about a kitchen sink. We put a fork in it and it’s no big deal. Then we add a plate. And a cup. Before we know what we have a sink full of dishes piled up. A much bigger mess.
Conflict is the same. Dealing with it as it comes prevents it from piling up and showing up in other ways and frees you from the war within yourself.
Career. Relationships. Self care. Identify a measurable goal to work toward. If we don’t have something measurable, then we have no way to identify our successes. Be reasonable. Trying to get back into old routines when your life has changed significantly (job, kids, family) can be unrealistic. The thought alone is enough to stop us from even trying. Maybe you can’t go back to the gym four times a week, Try starting with one time. And maybe your old workouts were an hour. Maybe your new ones are only 20 minutes. Give yourself permission to change what growth looks like for you as you evolve and change.
I think you’re overreacting. Calm down. Look on the bright side. The effectiveness of any of these statements is about 0%. More often than not these statements are meant to be helpful. In almost every situation they are quite the opposite. They can feel minimizing and shaming. Sometimes the best support you can give is just to be present and listen.
I am feeling this in 2023. The last several years have been rough on a lot of us. In reflection I am reminded that there are many things that we cannot control. How we show up in relationships and the space we allow others to show up for us is one thing that we can. Self-care is not selfish. Permission to do inventory on the people you surround yourself with.
Some refer to this season as the hell-a-days for a reason. Being around piles of family members can be a blessing or a curse. Lots of feelings can l come up. Working through feelings of anxiety, guilt, grief and joy can be complicated. I’ve personally experienced a hodgepodge of all the above.
The length of time you are in a relationship, whether it’s an intimate relationship, a friendship, or somebody in your family, does not determine the quality, health or sustainability. Surround yourself with people who get you. People who appreciate you. People who value you. They are out there. You just have to look for them.
Eeek. I think we all use humor at some point in our life to deflect from the discomfort of vulnerable emotions. It only becomes problematic if this is the case more often than it is not.
What are you in denial about? Your feelings? Your needs? Your wants? Your desires? Your negotiables and non negotiables? Trying to mask our truth is never effective. It may prolong the inevitable, but it will also undoubtably create a perfect cesspool filled with resentment. In my work with couples, it is not uncommon to find that one or both are denying their truth about what they need and want from their partner. In working together we create a safe space for each of them to give themselves permission to share their truth and work together to meet the real needs and wants that they have been neglecting or denying.
I think in some way we can all relate to this. Picking and choosing the circumstances in our lives that we want to work through can be difficult. Whether it’s an interpersonal struggle or a relational struggle, working through can be the more vulnerable option but in the long run it winds up being less energy sucking then holding everything in. There is something to be said about the term that holding onto anger is like drinking poison and expecting somebody else to die. In the long run you are the one that winds up suffering more.
I have been noticing this a lot lately. Almost every time I get a call from couples, they report they want to come in to address “communication issues.” It doesn’t take long to identify that the real issues they are struggling with go far beyond communication. It’s almost as if communication is used as a “safe word” to give a couples permission to go to therapy. Couples often don’t want to talk about anything deeper. Intimacy, desire, or anything to do with vulnerable emotions. This has been the focus for me as of late. I want to take the shame away from talking about the real struggles that couples want to work on.
Updating all things. Including our website. Big thanks to Corporate Communications, Inc. I would also like to introduce Juliana. She has been employed at Eastside Marriage & Family Therapy since January 2022. She is currently accepting new clients. And she’s pretty great. Please read about her on our website.
Despina Mitchell, M.S., LMFT and Juliana Posato MS, MFT have been providing therapy services in Rochester, NY to individuals, couples, and children for over a decade. Contact to schedule an appointment.
An oldie but goodie. I love it when I am working with a patient and the very thing they struggle with in day to day life happens in real time during our session. It’s a great opportunity to share the full experience and help them work through it.
#3 for sure. Pouring from an empty cup is my not so wonderful super power. Learning to say no to others has not always been easy. Neither is asking for help. Often times those who are constantly doing for others fail to realize that eventually people stop asking you if you need anything. That’s where the overwhelming sensation comes in. We need to work on not conditioning others to feel like we always got it. Because sometimes we don’t. Asking for help is a strength not a weakness.
I was in group supervision yesterday. We always start off by doing a check in. During that time each of us took an opportunity to share something personal about ourselves. In doing so,
a conversation came up about the pressure we put on ourselves as therapists. Because we do work helping people to live healthier lives, there is an assumption that ours is perfect. Because we do couples work, it is assumed that our relationships have no flaws. I would like to give a gentle reminder that we are human too. Many of our own personal struggles shape us to become better therapists for you. I promise that we don’t always have our s**t together.
I can’t tell you how many times I hear “We almost canceled today. Things are going well so we did not think we would have anything to talk about.” PSA therapy is not only useful for when everything feels like it’s falling apart. We love hearing about when everything is falling together. In life, we often don’t pay attention to things unless they are problematic. Coming in and reflecting on the challenges that you overcame, improvement’s in your mood and healthy changes in your day-to-day lifestyle is just as beneficial as working through struggles. All of these are the tools you will need when things aren’t feeling so great.
This needs to be shared, needs to be read, and most importantly heard.
Sertraline- Zoloft
Venlafaxine- Effexor
Citalopram- Celexa
Mirtazapine-Remeron
Fluoxetine- Prozac
Duloxetine- Cymbalta
Seroquel- Quetiapine
Lamictal- Lamotrigine
Lexapro- Escitalopram
Wellbutrin- Bupropion
Lorazepam- Ativan
Klonopin- Clonazepam
Abilify - aripiprazole
Tegrotal - carabamezipine
Buspar - buspirone
You may know what these tablets are or know a loved one who takes them, but in case you don't, I will fill you in. That medication allows people to deal with a normal day to day life. Although most days it leaves them tired, spaced out, emotionless, or even super emotional.
Crazy right? Why would anyone want to feel like that?
Well this is why!!
You see, some people suffer from severe depression and anxiety.
In their brain it doesn't sit right, something seems different. They notice little differences that other people wouldn't. Most days they wake up sick and feel sleepless.
They consistently overthink every situation.
Was a comment about them; was it a joke?
Was that person supposed to laugh?
Or did they mean it?
Are they being nice?
Are they talking about them?
Do they talk about them?
They then think, I bet they don’t like me really.
They say sorry all the time. They feel like they annoy everyone.
And for all those questions they will spend hours trying to answer. Let it all build up in their mind, until it sends them to tears...... it's mental that they see things that way.
It's not only mental changes, but physical changes. They don't eat a lot or they eat way too much. Insomnia, up all night answering questions to situations that don't even exist, or sleep too much and waste half their day still feeling tired.
They still smile and they have every excuse for when you ask why.
But the tablets can help them. Because they know when they start to feel this way or think this way, they need help.
They know that when their behavior starts to change, They need guidance. And they understand that they don't need to be ashamed. They don't need to be understood. They just need to be accepted. Everyone is fighting a battle and sometimes you need to be kinder.
So I may just be another person who's talking about mental health....
Living with this illness is hard, but trying to understand it, is even harder. It’s also 100 times harder if they have another condition on top of this.
Don't suffer in silence.
Mental health is just as important as physical health.
Be part of the healing.💙
Be understanding.💙
Be kind. 💙
💙 Copied and pasted.💙
Sometimes people had things happen in their past that made them this way, everyone has a story, don’t be so quick to judge.
625 Panorama Trl
Rochester, NY
14625
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| Tuesday | 8am - 9pm |
| Wednesday | 8am - 8pm |
| Thursday | 8am - 8pm |
| Friday | 8am - 8pm |
| Saturday | 8am - 8pm |
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Enjoying some tea and a wonderful storm in between sessions.
Despina Mitchell M.S, LMFT has been treating patients for over a decade in the Rochester community. Throughout her years working with individuals, couples, and families, she has had the opportunity to practice in multiple clinic and community based settings before starting her private practice. In 2006 Despina graduated from the University of Rochester School of Medicine and Dentistry where she began treating patients at Strong Family Therapy Services, located within University of Rochester Medical Center. She completed her training at St. Joseph’s Neighborhood Center where in addition to providing therapy, she co-facilitated a series of groups focusing on improving the lives and self-images of women. These groups expanded outside the center to Sojourner House for Women as well as Wilson Commencement Park. In 2006 she began working as a primary therapist at Unity Health System’s Home Based Crisis Intervention Program providing community based therapeutic intervention to children and families in crisis. Her approach to treatment draws from a systemic perspective focusing on individuals, couples, and families in the context of a larger system. She is a strength based therapist who believes that anything is possible when individuals and couples are willing to work. The therapeutic process is a vulnerable and sometimes scary endeavor, which can feel complex at times. Through this endeavor it is important for patients to be “met where they are at” before moving forward. She views her patients as the experts in their lives and focuses treatment on helping them recognize what positive change “looks like” for them and identifying how she can work together with them to make that change. Though her specialty is working with families and couples in a marriage or committed relationship, she also enjoys working with individuals. Whether its dealing with depression, improving communication, conflict resolution, anxiety, mood disorders or processing trauma to name a few, she will work together with you to meet your goals in a safe and comfortable environment free of judgment. Despina is a Clinical Fellow of the American Association for Marriage and Family Therapy. She is certified in medical family therapy and currently serves as an advisory council member for Bryant & Stratton College OTA program as the interdisciplinary content expert in mental health.
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