Carbon Copy Butterfly

08/04/2023

I thought the nightmares were over. But recently I lost a friend to su***de and another classmate (both from class of 1992).

They were beautiful women with vibrant personalities, infectious smiles, loving mothers, from the outside looking in most would say “they were perfect and living perfect lives,” we all know Perfect is not a thing.

My nightmares of the last 28 days of my life started well before learning of each of the beautiful women’s tragic stories, but intensified with the most recent loss of my friend to su***de.

She sort of interrupted my usual playlist that included my mom during her first hospital stay, then when they sent her home (she had to ride in ambulance to receive high dose of oxygen or she would die before leaving hospital parking), then the vision 5days later of her at hospital again, only to die 5 days later.

It’s been over a year and a half and I stare at her picture all day everyday, yet when I close my eyes at night I only see the horrible events of her death.

I cannot forget, I do not have closure and I don’t know how to move forward.

10/14/2022

Omg! So true

10/14/2022

10/11/2022

I just want to say thank you for the responses and likes to post.
It is very lonely and the story is so unbelievable. After spending everyday for 6months reading every conversation or playing the voice memos I recorded in the moment, I don’t know that I can create the same emotions that I felt as I was stuck in a pattern reliving it and trying to find what I hoped to be my fault or that I had misperceived something.

I saw my faults as I acted out with emotions, rather then reasoning and a bit of self control.

10/11/2022

My mom called Humana per my request to cancel their Medicare supplement insurance they coerced her into signing up and up sold her when she tried to cancel. When I arrived I did everything to be sure that this plan would cover her acute pulmonary rehabilitation center that the nurses and Dr said she would need before ever going home. I did an appeal, everything possible once I had forums out that they flipping denied her. This led to the demise of everything I would ever have loved in my life.

I am very sick and recovering from along battle from my lupus flare that affected my brain. So my apologies for how I have set this up.

I just need perspective. My family disowned me due to my aunt (the person texting with me) in all my posts.

10/08/2022

No HATE! Just a few verses that stood out from hearing this song for the first time…

43 seconds · Clipped by melissa viedt · Original video "Megan Thee Stallion - Anxiety (Lyrics)" by East Music

10/08/2022

What a great explanation for so many of us that hear our inner voice telling us “I want to die”, “I don’t belong here” and “nobody loves me.”

A few weeks ago, my friend text me to inform me about one of our classmates that was found by her daughter or husband in her garage when they woke up. All details have not been released, but as always your most painful experiences that you prefer to keep private for as long as you can, are seemingly released. I don’t think this was something done in a uncaring manner. I think once one person heard about, they went to another wanting to understand how such an incomprehensible event was done by the most genuine beautiful and women that so many of us knew. My heartaches for her, because I cannot imagine how she must have felt knowing that people saw her and told her of their high admirations that they felt for her and she must have felt so scared and so all alone in her pain that she couldn’t allow herself to share this part of her, that was probably so normal to so many of us.

I remember when I received the one liner text, I felt every ounce of my soul drained out of me.
Why her, why not take me, nobody would ever feel the trauma and pain of losing me, or at least my 1 and only person compared to the 100’s of lives that would have to endure this tragic loss, but maybe my son would finally have a chance of finding grown ups that are healthy enough to give and share so many moments in life that kids deserve to have?

In the end, I wish she was beside me now as I read this short quote that makes all the demons in my head make a bit more sense “I don’t want to die, I just want the trauma that I am facing today to end, so I can be in a place of peace and feel worthy of being the good mom and person I once believed myself to be

10/08/2022

So true!
A little compassion and a show of empathy can make a huge difference in the way someone feels, it lessen the sadness and it provides a bit of hope for the future!

10/08/2022

I have to keep it all very simple and I pray I can post sooner then later. I need your help and perspective on what I post. I need help to see if it’s me, my fault.

10/06/2022

I feel like I could break any second. I don’t know where to turn, I’m praying to get excepted into a DBT program that is 24 weeks long with 3 different types of therapy per week. I want to believe that by me getting help it will change all things I seem to break around me.

I am also scared that if they reel me the only way to create positive changes is to leave matter behind.

I am a unhealthy disabled person that feels like a walking vegetable (so sorry if word usage is inappropriate).

I have a husband that can I once adored and had so much respect for him in to many areas to list. But I today it feels like he would be happy to rid himself of me and his son to go back home.

I have a beautiful 10yr old autistic son, that I would do anything for and give my life for him. But I feel like I can no longer parent him at times and those time can be so painful because they usually revolve around his random outbursts or my inability to slow him down or hold him accountable without feeling like everything I try is completely evil and emotionally damaging to him.

I would never choose to bring a child up in such a dysfunctional environment, especially when I know that it is what it is and yet I have no tools to help guide me in making it better for all of us.

No matter how hard I am trying to do what I believe to be the write thing for no all of us, it backfires leaving me feeling hopeless helpless and completely worthless… when allli want is for us to be happy supportive and to be do our best with one another best Interest consider as we are a family. I have lost my mom in April and from there I lost my entire family without 1 person reaching out to me to question any accusations made about me.

It as if nothing I did in my life accounted for anything. It only took a few people to come together and tell everyone their one side story and I fell off the face of the earth.

I can honestly say I have seen stories of family showing more compassion towards the murderer that took their loved one away, then what I have received.

And some of these people were so close to my mom and yet they are our requesting prayer chains speaking of savior and forgiveness, but they never talk about turning their backs on those that call on them fo help asking to understand what they did wrong in utter panic desperation completely vulnerable and preparing to make yet another embarrassing attempt to just be heard and maybe see additional perspective to break the thoughts they have continued to hold close to the hearts with complete convictions.

10/03/2022

When I received the phone call that I had to come home, my mom wasn't going to make it, I started having having these horrible panic attacks. As far as panic attacks go, my only experience was about 2yrs year's ago.

When my mom end up ack in hospital for the second and last time, my uncle and aunt gave me very matter-of-fact answers and conveniently left out some vital information.

Once I arrived back home, I decided to find the answers to my flipping questions. Which resulted in these horrible flashes, like an instant replay that continued execessively through out each day up to today.

But today, it was 9:30 pm when I started to cry. I looked at my husband in amazement because I had been praying for relief. The heartache became overwhelming, and just as I was recovering from 2yrs of a chronic lupus flare, the unimaginable happened.

And this is something I have never experienced, on top of the extreme guilt I had about my in ability to talk with my mom or travel to see her due to my flare. Again, everything standing in the way of me getting back to be the mom I once was.

I have to sleep,; this can be a reminder for the future.

10/01/2022

Do more!

09/30/2022

Carbon Copy Butterfly

This Page is NOT a “Professional Mental Health Service” page.

Carbon Copy Butterfly is a way to express the most traumatic six weeks of my life… I hope to use this page to discover, understand, and, most of all, I want to heal from my recent experience.

I recently experienced my aunt's ingenious gaslighting/narcissistic superhero powers.
I lost my mom in April 2022, which was very unexpected due to the timing of her death. After my mom passed, my whole world went blank.
Never could I have imagined things would get even worse, and my aunt would cause my family to erase my mere existence from their minds without questions. I lost my mom/best friend, every family member I once loved, and distant relatives that I had fond memories of the time I had spent with them many years ago.

Here I sit six months later, and with everyday that passes, I find myself becoming Increasingly more lonely; I am confused about my identity and if my mom ever truly loved me, and I am experiencing agonizing heart-wrenching pain.

Carbon Copy Butterfly is a last-minute offspring to Spectrum of Butterflies, a unique project my 10yr old autistic son and I have worked on for several years and will come to fruition soon.

With no one to turn to, I have decided to start this page to seek support and gain a different perspective from my current beliefs that I have held onto with conviction throughout several months of trying to dissect my faults.

Most importantly, I want to heal without feeling like I have let my mom down.
I want to peacefully rebuild my family and become the mother and wife I once was. We never lose sight of the light at the end of the tunnel, and we eagerly await to experience all the JOY, INNER PEACE, SOLIDARITY, and UNDERSTANDING that family and life have to offer.