10/30/2025
"Our 14 year old used to seem so happy. The past few weeks they come home from school or practice and go right to their room. When we try to ask them what’s wrong and talk with them, they just shrug their shoulders. We can feel something is wrong but don’t know how to help when they are pushing us away. What can we do?"
Building Connection When Your Teen Withdraws
It’s natural to worry when your teen becomes quiet and withdrawn. Adolescence brings big emotional, social, and physical changes that can make it harder for teens to express what they’re feeling. The good news is that your efforts to connect—even when your child seems to push you away—still matter deeply. Research consistently shows that a parent’s calm, consistent presence supports emotional resilience and mental health.
Start with Presence and Patience
You may not need to know the details of what’s wrong right away. Instead, focus on showing that you’re available and care. Sit nearby, bring a snack, or say, “I’m here if you feel like talking later.” Your quiet presence communicates safety and love more than a dozen questions might. If you think there is any reason to worry about their immediate safety, ask them if they feel safe. Sometimes knowing the situation does not pose imminent danger makes it easier for parents to take a step back and allow space while remaining available. If your teen indicates feeling unsafe, added questions and using crisis resources may be needed.
Avoid the “Interrogation Trap”
When teens are overwhelmed, too many questions can feel like pressure. Replace “What’s wrong?” with observations:
“You seem like you’ve had a long day.”
“You seem more quiet than usual.”
“I noticed you went right up to your room when you got home.”
Then gently inquire and offer:
· “Is there anything you want to talk about?”
· “Can I bring you a snack?”
· “Want to watch a show or walk the dog with me?”
· “I’m around if you change your mind.”
These small moments can reopen the door to connection over time.
Offer Emotional Space with Consistency
It’s okay if your teen doesn’t talk right away. Stay consistent—check in daily in low-pressure ways. They’ll notice your reliability even if they don’t show it. Predictability helps them feel secure enough to share when they’re ready.
Model Calm Curiosity
When they do open up, listen more than you speak. Reflect back what you hear (“That sounds really tough”) instead of offering quick solutions. This builds trust and shows that you can handle their emotions without judgment and while modeling emotional regulation.
Watch for Signs That Extra Support May Help
If your teen’s withdrawal is accompanied by major changes—sleep or appetite disruption, loss of interest in activities, declining grades, or hopelessness—it may be time to reach out for additional support. A school counselor or mental-health professional can help assess what’s going on and provide guidance. If there are concerns about risk of harm to self or others, it is always a good idea to have a mental health professional or crisis counselor evaluate their risk.
Remember
Connection doesn’t always begin with words and is not a situation specific proposition. The goal is to build trust so they become more responsive and even reach out proactively over time. Building connected relationships often start with quiet presence, gentle consistency, and patient understanding. You’re showing respect for their needs while communicating, “You’re not alone. I’m here.”
