01/16/2026
Remember, imago theory means that you are drawn to a partner like your caregiver (here, like your sibling), and you fantasize about changing them in ways that you could never change your caregiver. Combining this idea with the individual personalities of siblings and their unique dynamics provide even more information about how later relationships will go for the siblings in adulthood. Here are hypothetical ways that this can play out in a family with three kids, Joe (10), Jill (8), and Jane (7).
Joe is the oldest brother and Jane is the youngest sister. There is a difficult middle sibling as well, Jill, so Joe and Jane bond more with each other than with Jill. The parents have a difficult marriage and often fight with each other, leaving the children to play on their own for hours. Joe ends up taking care of Jane and often protecting her and intervening when Jill is mean to her or takes her things. Later in life, one might imagine Joe would be drawn to a woman like Jane, who he will take care of and protect. However, it is equally likely that he is drawn to a difficult and moody woman like Jill, who he subconsciously fantasizes about changing into a loving wife and mother. He then would end up having to protect his kids from his wife’s angry moods in the ways that he used to protect Jane from Jill.
In another universe, Jane and Jill are the only siblings. Jane is a people-pleaser and Jill is angry and impulsive. In later life, it is highly likely that each woman will replicate this dynamic with a partner. Then, in therapy, Jane will say, “But my parents treated me great, I was the favorite child because I was so well behaved… why am I drawn to difficult men who treat me poorly?” The reason is that she is attracted to men like Jill, who she fantasizes about changing into loving partners in a way that she could never change her sister into a loving sister. Jill, on the other hand, may well be drawn to men like her well behaved, preferred sister, and get herself into a “Mr. Perfect And His Crazy Wife” dynamic where she is the “crazy” one like she was at home when compared to her sister.
