02/14/2023
Parents, can I ask a favor? Can we stop pushing the goalposts back for our kids? Can we stop changing the definition of what success looks like? Can we stop competing with each other for whose kid scores the highest, gets recruited by what team, and wins what award?
I get it. I get sucked in, too. I worry about my teenagers surviving in this cut-throat, competitive world. Sometimes I panic about them being left behind, not as prepared, passed over.
But I noticed something recently. When success is only defined as getting on the best team or achieving the highest grade, the opportunity to feel successful is limited.
And when you feel like your opportunities for your kids are limited, you start making crazy decisions that have a big impact on your family. Sometimes you even secretly hope other kids will fail so your kid gets the opportunity to try and succeed.
You see it on the sidelines of youth sports, where the tension is palpable and parents treat each game like it is a world championship.
You see it in classrooms when a B is seen as a failure.
You see it during the college admissions process as parents will do nearly anything to get their child into a brag-worthy school.
You see it on social media with carefully curated posts highlighting snippets of a kid's journey.
Find a good trainer or tutor? Keep it to yourself because you don't want anyone else to succeed more than your son or daughter.
This quest for perfection, for over-achievement, for over-scheduling, and over-activitying your child in order to keep up is stressing even the most capable kids out.
Why are we overly invested in our children's performance? Why do we value results over experience? Why do we judge our parenting based on their achievements as opposed to their actions?
I get it. I have to fight these feelings off myself. I have to be reminded what my child achieves has nothing to do with who I am as a person, and isn't who they are either.
Teens need to be motivated to find their passions instead of being motivated by minimizing their parents' worries or stress. They need to figure out what inspires them. They need to fail.
We have become addicted to parenting validation. Like a ju**ie, many moms and dads are obsessed with engineering every aspect of our kids' lives in order to curate an unsustainable image. The need for affirmation causes us to make irrational decisions and set standards for our kids that can only be achieved by an elite few.
We need to stop performance-based parenting. We need to stop micromanaging their lives. We need to stop acting on fear and anxiety of the unknown.
I get it. I'm in that stage of life where I'm trying to set my kids up for the rest of theirs. We're about to launch into college tours and SAT prep and the "build-your-resume-up-so-you-look-awesome" phase.
And when you try to take a step back and find some balance, the rest of the world does not make it easy. Sometimes you have to negotiate with your school to keep your kid in grade-level classes instead of honors or AP. You have to decide how far you want to drive for your kid to be on the "best" club team. You may hear that your kid shouldn't try out for a sport because at 13, she was too old to learn it.
I have to remind myself over and over that my kid will get into a college even if she struggles at math--if she even wants to go to college at all. I have to remind myself that sports are about building confidence and physical activity. I have to remind myself to make choices based on what's best for my family, not on what anyone else deems necessary or important.
And I needed to redefine what success looked like for my kids.
You might need to do that too.
Our kids' mental health--and their lives--are depending on it.
There is more than one path to success in this life. Take the one that works for your family.
Whitney Fleming Writes
