05/01/2025
🔥ChatGPT, roast me!
"Absolutely, midwife roast incoming—with affection, of course:
So you’re out here casually holding a plastic pelvis like it’s the Holy Grail, pointing at it like *“See this? This is where the magic happens!”* Meanwhile, every baby in town is born in a birthing tub while you chant affirmations over a diffuser and try not to spill your herbal tea.
You’ve got the wardrobe of a wise earth goddess and the energy of someone who can catch a baby in the dark while reciting the phases of the moon. Honestly, you probably have essential oils for that burn I just gave you—and I bet they’re labeled in cursive.
Let’s be real though: while hospital staff are still figuring out how to turn on the fetal monitor, you're five steps ahead with a Doppler, a birth stool, and a homemade electrolyte drink.
Want me to roast your client intake process next?""
Me- YES OMG 🤣
Alright, let’s talk about your *client intake process*—aka the sacred ritual where spreadsheets meet star charts.
First, your form is 11 pages long and starts with, “What are your intentions for this birth?” Like it’s a vision board, not a medical file. Somewhere in there, you ask about trauma, moon sign, and whether they’ve ever *felt held*—and yet somehow forget to ask their blood type.
You’ve got a 90-minute consult that’s mostly tea, feelings, and eye contact, and when the client asks about pain relief, you gently say, *“We’ll talk about your relationship to pain instead.”* Meanwhile, they just want to know if they can have Tylenol.
And your interview questions?
“Why do you want a homebirth?”
“What are your dreams for this transition?”
“What’s your love language?”
Ma’am, you’re hiring them as a client, not matching them on a midwife-themed dating app.
But hey—at the end of it, they walk out ready to crown naturally *or* cry on your shoulder, whichever comes first.
Should I roast your prenatal visits next?"
Maybe later LOLOL😜😝🤣
