03/10/2026
She was one turn away from victory…but, as is the nature of Uno, the player to her left placed a wild card down, just before it was her turn.
I could see the rage building. In a misguided attempt to offer reassurance, I said, “it’s just a game, you’re fine, it’s no big deal!”
She erupted with, “fine is what I would be if I wasn’t the biggest loser on the planet, but I am!”
Nothing I said after that could’ve stopped her from throwing the cards across the room, flipping chairs over, and storming away.
It’s worth noting, I was RIGHT.
Losing a card game is NOT a big deal in the context of all the suffering in the world.
But here’s why SAYING THAT to an autistic person makes things WORSE:
Escalation can happen if the person thinks you don’t understand…so their brain turns up the volume.
Because autistic people experience heightened emotions, the brain may intensify the reaction in a desperate attempt to align your understanding
with their experience.
So if you want to support faster recovery during emotional situations…try this:
Reflect their experience back to them.
In this example, I could’ve said, “You didn’t want that to happen. You were about to win. You were so close.”
Certainly she would’ve agreed with this assessment.
But certainly, she also would still feel frustrated.
However…perhaps her grimace might’ve softened just a little.
Maybe, in response to me REFLECTING her experience back, the rage wouldn’t have bubbled up quite so fast.
Feeling heard doesn’t erase disappointment, but it often prevents it from growing into something unsafe like self injury or aggression…which are common in autistic people.
Ultimately, my message to you is that you don’t have to fix the problem,
you just have to show you’re on their side.
When the brain turns up the volume to be understood, understanding is what turns it back down.