09/05/2024
Trauma that causes us to be distant!
I have been having major reflections after this past weekend with my cousin, and I didn’t even tell he about what came up for me. I tend to be one who does a lot of my inner work processing.
When we were young we were very close, and we are getting back to this strong bond again. So we were very playful, fun and we were authentic. I was known as the tattletale AKA Truth teller LOL! She was more playful, and well a risk taker, I had too much fear of my Dad to be that person. Which was a good and a bad thing.
This weekend I had an itch on my back while we were in the woods and my cousin started itching it for me. It triggered me, and I almost said no that’s ok I got it, but I caught myself and let her itch it for me. This made me reflect as I guess I don’t get touched very often. That I mostly only have my romantic partners touch me. So interesting in how do we get to where we are in life. Like I will hug no problem, but to ask someone to get that itch for you, even put sunscreen on your back, you feel like a inconvenience.
So weird how did I get to this place in my life?
How did I unlearn how to receive touch, when I have no problem touching others? When did I start to feel like a inconvenience to others?
That happened and then I had class and we had a breathwork treatment around trauma and I had her join in. She was having some uncontrollable hand movement going and she was worried and I was like embrace it. LOL!
I went back to my journey, and I was working through, why I felt I need validation, why I need to be heard?
It definitely had to do with my Dad and not feeling supported. So I was crying and she stopped her journey to rub my back and console me. Again I was triggered, and I almost told her to go back to her journey, but I again allowed her to comfort me, which is so hard for me. Why? I am thankful for her to trigger me, as I didn’t see this before. I have been feeling that I have to do everything on my own, be strong. It’s a lie we tell ourselves, and if we just allow ourselves to be vulnerable and receive it can be so healing. She even could feel it was about my Dad. Probably thought it was more about him passing, but it was more about healing the wounds that we don’t see are living
inside of us! I am not being a victim let’s get that straight! I am just allowing myself to see a pattern within myself that is not serving me, and allowing myself to see where it is stemming from. This is how we heal, I will not dwell on this, I will just allow myself to feel it, acknowledge it and let it go. This is how we process our emotions that are living inside of us still that we must release to let go of learned behavior. It’s not about he did this to me, it’s about oh that happened and I haven’t seen this until now and I need to allow myself to see it, feel it, and with love let that s**t go!
So how did we as a society, get so closed off?
How did we forget to receive love and only know how to give it?
How did we forget to receive nurture, when we always nurture others? Where do we get the conditioning of we have to do everything on our own?
Why is it so hard for us to ask for help, support?
These are the questions we need to be asking ourselves!
Why did we become so guarded, that we can’t receive?
I am changing this and I am now open to receive, I have been giving my whole life!
I see patterns of the people who have been in my life, that have been the toxic vibration to bring me to this point of not knowing that I too am worthy of receiving! You see what tends to happen as one event happens and the seed is planted, then we tend to attract that same belief, then it gets watered, and it grows into this w**d. We then fully believe this as it keeps showing up in our lives. So we have to get to the beginning, where it was planted, grab that root and pull it out! So then we can plant a new seed, a new belief that is in alignment of our truth, so we can see that beautiful flower blossom! Ahhh that is how healing works, if we can just get over the part we think is so scary!
This is where a lot of us have our anger, bitterness, frustration! We allow others to take and we don’t receive! It’s not on them though, we have to open our hearts, be vulnerable to receive! How we do this is by allowing ourselves to let go of these repeated patterns and limited beliefs that we know are not serving us, hence causing the anger, frustration and bitterness, AKA our Not Selves. We become who we are not, to appease others expectations and it starts as a child, because we want to please our parents, our family. If we feel like we are not doing that, we will become things we are
not to try to make them happy! It’s actually very innocent, and they don’t see what we are doing either, as then they would have to see that this is what they have become to appease there parents. It’s just a big cycle that keeps repeating if we don’t break it and start new cycles! It’s actually very beautiful, life if we choose to heal and see things with out attachment. It’s the attachment that keeps up stuck!
Let’s all love ourselves, and with the people we feel safe with and that we can trust, let’s allow ourselves to receive, the love they are trying to give to us! It’s ok to open our hearts, getting hurt actually shows us where we need to do the work and set healthy boundaries!
Honestly life doesn’t have to be hard! We have the choice, we make it hard!
I now have very healthy relationships and I am in full gratitude for this life! For the good times, the bad, the heartbreak, the love, the sadness, the pain! It’s why we came here, to experience! We just get stuck, and we forget how to be ourselves, because we allow our circumstances and experiences to affect us and a lot of us get stuck in the negativity. It really doesn’t have to be like this! It’s ok to let go! BE FREE that is our birth right! LOVE FREELY even if it hurts sometimes, it’s to teach us who we are and what we want! We are here for our OWN EVOLUTION no one elses!
