07/29/2023
This is what is left of the new cell phone I got about a month ago...
Heed my words, friends. Your emotions and how you direct them out into the world, can either have a positive result or a negative result.
This poor innocent cell phone, and several others, humans, not electronic devices, very near and dear to me, were the innocents in me unleasing a lifetime of bottled up hate...rage...furry...frustration...and a pain...so deep and dark....that I was unable to deal with as it was building. Like most small, unattended, neglected surface wounds that we have always gotten at one time or another in our lives. But, unlike surface wounds, the wounds that I received were abuses that were directed straight at ME! And they were often wounds deliberately made by people who should have loved me, unconditionally because I was a blood relative. These abuses pretty much started from the the day I was born. Some of these abuses were received from people who did not know that their words and actions meant everything to me. So, when all these unintended abuses occurred, they cut me even deeper than the ones, that would occur, later in life. But, because I was so young when these abused occurred, that I had no understanding of what they really were, or what I should do about them...so, those wounds were kept safely tucked away...I started to say, that they were kept safe till I was better able to deal with them, but I saw what I was writing and I knew it had always been the biggest lie I've ever made.......
And I was making that lie only to myself. Because I found it so much easier to hold on to that dark mass in my core. I held it tight! Because I felt, that If I were ever able to totally let go of it.....
I would finally shatter into an unrepairable lost shell...doomed to wander this world until the God's and Goddess saw fit to finally release my soul.
I have always been very self-reliant...a perfectionist, with myself only....OCD....claustrophobic....anxious....and a control freak. I've had to be. There was no one else that my mother would allow to take proper care of me. Always saying that I was her child and she would take care of whatever I needed....but she didn't............
And, at home, where I small child should feel safe and secure....I only felt fear, rejection, and an unapproachable mother. A mother that meant everything to me...still does, but one who was until, for whatever reason, refused to love ME....for the person whom I was born to be. This woman, who's main job in her life, at that point, was to protect and care for me, and she failed miserably....she allowed, a sibling to do unspeakably monstrous things to me, instead of doing the proper thing, of stopping that sibling. And she should have nipped in the butt that very first time that I was attacked at the age of just 6 months of age...an unimaginable thing for most people to even believe me when I tell them about it...I've had professionals, in the medical and psycatric fields doubt my stories...so you see, I just kept feeding into that big black mass of darkness and negativity because it felt warm and loving and supportive, unlike my mother who should have been. I held on to it tight and kept it, and used it as my inner strength. And, yes, I could have let it go many times in life, but chose to keep it, just for those reasons I had listed above.
So, I now make this as my world-wide apology to all of those who I have lashed out in an anger directed directly at them, for no fault of their own. It lays squarely on my shoulders, those new friends that I annoyed so badly with my neediness and selfishness. I am only tagging those I know for a Fact that I wronged, but you have felt the sharpness of my tongue when you knee you had done nothing to deserve such a reaction from me, then I also will send out this very public apology out to uou as well. Most of you I will not even say I will make it up to you, because we all know that when it matters most, I will have your back or that warm hug and shoulder to cry on.
With all that has been going on in my life for, nearly three (3) years, many people have often excused my outburst as me just going through a rough path in my life, so it was an understandable response. But, you know, they are wrong to do so, because when those around you are not being honest with you about themselves snd how your actions are impacting them negatively, they are also lying to themselves, and thereby, also making their mental and physical health worse.
Also, for those people in my life, some close family and others people in professions, that I have come to trust...something I have very little of for anyone...and then, to have them not believe, with me, the good things that are happening in my life, it makes my own irrational fears and doubts, which they are, worse, because now I'm doubting those things that I know are not going to happen....could actually come to pass...so I have been feeling a slight touch of depression the past week. And I hate that I have to prove myself all the time to everyone. Because they should have as much faith in ME and my abilities to change and get better.
I have never lied to the people around me. I told anyone and everyone that ever approached me that I was damaged and broken goods....and yet....those who promised to always love me and take care of me always ended up proving themselves to be liars, not just to me, but themselves. They were also in have dental of having any mental issues of there own.
So, in conclusion, always check your adittude before leaving the house to go to a place were you WIL encounter many different types of people...and you should Always want to be that positive force in the live of all those you may encounter along the way.
