08/01/2025
like sadness, but I wasn’t clear on why I was feeling sadness. I was trying to pin it on various things; you know, the state of the world, conversations that didn’t go well but I was missing the mark. I wasn’t able to pierce the knot and find the release and relief.
I was yawning, a lot (I always do that when there’s some tense energy trying to move through me—yawning and yawning—and it does help, but it’s like I’m taking thin layers of the knot and slicing them off. It’s tedious and ongoing.)
Then one night I thought, OK, now I am really going to feel into this—not distract myself or avoid whatever this is. I laid down and felt and felt and felt my heart space. As I did, my chest felt even more tight, very uncomfortable. I even felt a radiance into my left arm. I know this, I thought. I know this.
And then the memory surfaced from 45 years ago. My dad is sitting in his armchair in his library. He is clutching his left arm and looking down; not in charge, in pain. Breathing and enduring. My mountain of a father, my rock of a leader, was scared—so I was scared. We were waiting for the ambulance. My mom had gone into nurse mode, into in-charge mode but she was also strained. We were very quiet.
Then strange, focused men in black came into our house and took my dad. It turned out he had a heart attack; two more would come in the next few years, and then he would be gone for good. I didn’t consciously know that then but here I am, at 54, feeling the fear of his pain, feeling his pain in my body.
And yes, I know. It could have been an actual heart attack. I mean, I kinda had all the symptoms. But somehow I knew I needed to let this pain, fear, tension, contraction move through me. That I had been holding this in my body since I was 9 years old.
I was yawning, weeping. And with my right hand, I spontaneously began making spiraling circles above my heart and it felt like some very old, very stuck energy was slowly, slowly beginning to churn and move.
As it moved, I cried. It hurt, deep into my soul. The fear of losing my my safety, my security, my rock, my protection, my helper, my holder, my dad.
And then the empathy arose too. Him wanting to be exactly all that for me, for us, but instead he was sitting there like a wounded animal, contracted, small, and scared.
As I moved my hand above my heart, now the exact same age he was when his heart could beat no more, something shifted. The contracted energy lost its tight, spiraling grip on my chest. My left arm relaxed, and tears flowed more.
I am here. I am here. I am here, the Light said. The Love said. My strong Maria Presence said. I am here. I am here. I am here. And I love you, love you, love you. I’ve got you, got you, got you. I am here. And my heart believed it. That Light is here. That Love is here. And my heart softened. It allowed light in. The tension lost its grip on my chest. My chest slowly became wider, more space opened up inside my chest. My heart relaxed and tears rolled down the sides of my cheeks and into my ears.
My dad. My dad. My dad.I miss my dad.After 45 years, I miss you.
I have missed you. I’ve felt way too small for this whole big world thing, and I’ve packed my heart away too much to protect it.
And now—it’s softening, opening, forgiving, releasing, and breathing better again.
In the next few days, it occurred to me that if I carry this much old tension/pain around, so many decades later—maybe others do too. And I want to share with you how I continuously release this blocked/stagnant energy in my body whatever is causing it.
When two students shared with me in the same week that old grief was also stirring and impacting their bodies, I thought ok, let's see who else wants to free the body of these old knots and areas of tension.
I will offer this class next Wednesday online!
