10/13/2023
This photo was taken a little over a year ago.
I wasn’t yet pregnant with my son and those closest to me could attest to the fact I was at peace whether I ever become a mother or not.
I was 37 and I loved my life. I had never felt more confident in my skin or more at peace with myself.
I loved my freedom, I loved to travel, and I relished in my ability to listen to myself and live my life my own way, changing my mind, my direction, and my choices in alignment with my intuition whenever it felt right to do so.
One of my favorite things to do was to eat alone on a terrasse in Paris, watching the world go by, taking my time sipping a glass of wine and reading a book. Especially when no one knew where I was and I put my phone on silent.
Off the radar. Present for myself.
In the first week after my beautiful son arrived, I remember being crippled by the feeling that I was going to be anxious every day for the rest of my life. (Thankfully this was fleeting).
The feeling was so foreign to me because up until that point I was a pretty chill person. Even in some of the most volatile places in the world I wasn’t anxious.
Here I was with my three-day old and I thought: my life as I knew it is over and I’m going to be stressed every day all day because this miracle now lives outside my body and I can do nothing but my very best to protect him and surrender control for that which is uncontrollable.
Man, I missed the version of me in this photo at that moment.
I was envious of my former self. So chill and in control and SO much less vulnerable.
I could handle almost anything if it was happening to ME, but with my new mama heart broken open, I couldn’t bear to think of anything ever hurting my baby (from a kid being mean to him at school through to the unthinkable, like the parents in Israel (and Gaza) are experiencing right now).
I don’t have a conclusion to this post … every day I’m learning this new role, identity, and reality … with every smile of his that melts me to every fussy period I have no clue how to soothe.
While I, truthfully, still sometimes miss that girl I was before, I am so grateful to be growing into this new woman, Mama. ❤️