09/17/2024
Nonviolent Communication
In a world increasingly characterized by discord, misunderstanding, and division, the concept of nonviolent communication (NVC) offers a much-needed balm. It’s not just a method of speaking or a technique for de-escalating conflict—it’s a shift in mindset, a way of being that fosters deep understanding, compassion, and connection.
At its core, NVC, developed by psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, is about recognizing and honoring our shared humanity. The “violence” that NVC seeks to root out are misunderstands caused by blame and judgment. NVC encourages us to get beyond assumptions and really understand the other. When we embrace this approach, we stop reacting defensively or aggressively to others, and instead, we cultivate empathy—both for ourselves and for those around us.
The Practice of Nonviolent Communication
Nonviolent communication rests on four key components: observation, feeling, values, and request. These might seem simple at first glance, but their application can radically transform how we engage with the world.
1. Observation: The first step in NVC is to observe what is happening in a neutral and non-judgmental way. This means describing facts rather than evaluating them. For instance, instead of saying, “You’re always late,” we could observe, “I noticed that you arrived 15 minutes later than we agreed.”
2. Feeling: Once we’ve made an observation, we identify how we feel about the situation. This step requires vulnerability and self-awareness. Are we feeling frustrated, sad, or worried? As one practitioner often says, in order to eliminate blame or judgment, name a feeling that you could have on a deserted island. You couldn’t feel disrespected or rejected on that island, but you could feel hurt or lonely.
3. Values: Behind every feeling is a value. When we experience discomfort, it's usually because something important to us—such as respect or connection—isn’t being recognized. In the example about lateness, the feeling of frustration might stem from a deeply held value for reliability or mutual respect.
4. Request: Finally, we make a clear and actionable request, inviting the other person to engage in a relationship affirming action. This is different from a demand; it’s an invitation for collaboration. For example, “Would you be willing to call if you’re going to be more than 10 minutes late in the future?”
The Power of Empathy
Nonviolent communication isn’t just about using the right phrases or following a formula. It’s about the intention behind our communication. NVC is not about trying to prove a point or “win” an argument. NVC is about developing empathy. It asks us to listen deeply—not only to the words being spoken but to the emotions and values beneath them.
Empathy is not about offering advice, fixing problems, or even agreeing with someone else’s perspective. It’s about being fully present with another person, without judgment or interpretation.
When we offer empathy—whether to a friend, partner, colleague, or even a stranger—it has the power to create profound connection. Through empathy, we communicate: “I see you. I hear you. Your experience matters.” This is the essence of nonviolent communication: a deep recognition of our shared humanity.
Let’s start by listening.
