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Tuesday 4am - 2pm Wednesday 4am - 2pm Thursday 4am - 2pm Friday 4am - 2pm Saturday 4am - 2pm

Traci Ruble, MFT, San Francisco, CA (2025)

06/27/2025

💥 𝗡𝗲𝘄 𝗕𝗹𝗼𝗴: 𝗔𝗿𝗲 𝗬𝗼𝘂 𝗨𝘀𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗧𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝘆 𝘁𝗼 𝗘𝗺𝗼𝘁𝗶𝗼𝗻𝗮𝗹𝗹𝘆 𝗠𝗮𝗻𝗶𝗽𝘂𝗹𝗮𝘁𝗲 𝗬𝗼𝘂𝗿 𝗣𝗮𝗿𝘁𝗻𝗲𝗿?
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Ever caught yourself diagnosing your partner mid-argument?
Quoting your therapist like scripture?
Handing over a book instead of sharing your heart?
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Same. 🙋‍♀️
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But here’s the truth: if your therapy is making you better at sounding right than feeling real, you might be using your growth as a defense mechanism. Control, superiority, and avoidance all love to dress up in self-help clothes.
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This new piece is part confession, part call-in—for anyone who's ever found themselves weaponizing their “work.”
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⚡️ Plus: a "healthy relating skills" like my kids learned in Kindergarten but I never learned in Kindergarten (no attachment styles - psychological diagnosis - just the basics of healthy communicating (coming by the holidays!) to help us all relate more gently, even when it’s messy.
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🧠 Read the full post at [link in bio] or here https://www.traciruble.com/blog/are-you-using-therapy-to-emotionally-manipulate-your-partner

05/27/2025

Still digesting the listening bus tour across the USA. I find myself dreaming a ton and in deep deep contemplation since my return. (and very tired and sleeping a lot. LOL)

One swirling thought is this: what is the difference between liberation and indoctrination? So many folks I listened to felt comforted by their ideas, and that comfort felt freeing to them. But when I listened, it sometimes sounded more like indoctrination. Then I return to spaces with "my people," those who value similar things to me, and I notice—they're often not comforted by their ideas. They're terrified.

And of course, how I see the world is also shaped by my daily work with couples. I hold their differences every single day. And I choose to hold those differences in a larger frame—not just "let me teach you better communication skills," to be "good" but we learn to hold how they see the world through 'history-colored' glasses.

Here’s where I’m landing:

Liberatory thought expands our capacity to feel, to relate, to tolerate paradox, and to hold difference. In a way, liberatory thought helps us stay present with very big feelings. It helps us grow—not just more aware, but more alive.

Indoctrination feels different. It narrows perception. It increases fragility. It shuts down inquiry in favor of certainty and scripts. It feels safe. It feels comfortable. But to me, it’s a defense against very big feelings.

Sometimes it’s hard to tell which state I’m in—especially when the ideas come wrapped in language I’ve trusted: justice, healing, care.

So I’m asking myself more often now:

Does this thought make me more curious, or more defensive?

Can I stay in relationship with someone who disagrees with me?

Am I expanding my capacity to feel sensations and emotions in my body—or am I avoiding, stiffening, or checking out?

We don’t need more frameworks or indoctrinations. We need more ways to practice staying human—with ourselves and with each other. I am really aware how over "productivity indoctrination I am" since this tour.

What is your take on the difference between liberatory thought and indoctrination? Other off the wall indoctrinations you see? I want to hear.

05/19/2025

I’ve been in STAIR 1 with Juliane Taylor Shore and a year-long consult group that just closed today. I start STAIR 2 this week, and I’m feeling grateful.

In our closing consult today (my internet was spotty, so I’m writing this while the group finishes—I’m still holding the space even if I can’t join the last hour), we were talking about compassion and activation. Specifically, how sometimes in a hard session, our attempts to help or soothe ourselves can subtly become attempts to get rid of what we’re feeling.

Juliane asked a question that hit home:

“Are you offering compassion to what’s arising in you—or using compassion to coerce yourself into a different state?”

That landed.

There’s so much rushing toward “healing” in our field. And all these frameworks and models—even the beautiful ones—can become tools of coercion if we’re not careful.

Because coercion, even when gentle and well-intentioned, activates the nervous system. Ours. Our clients’.
Breathe that one in with me.

It sends the signal:

You aren’t okay. You aren’t doing it right. Be different.

I’ve been geeking out on depth analysts lately. They hold the unknowable and the complex in a way most frameworks can’t. I’m working on a piece about this I hope to publish this week—on how frameworks and even psychoeducation can sometimes feel coercive.

Wilfred Bion might say coercion happens when we lose tolerance for “O”—his term for the raw, unknowable truth—and rush to manage anxiety (ours or the client’s) with meaning or intervention.

Jacques Lacan might say we’ve fallen into the discourse of the Master—the one who “knows” what the client should be—rather than letting the symptom speak and desire unfold. And desire, in Lacan’s frame, is never fixed. It’s shaped by language, culture, and unconscious currents. It can’t be known through a framework. It must be heard.

I’m back from Sidewalk Talk’s listening tour now and stepping into STAIR 2 with a renewed commitment:
To show up with non-coercive presence, while still supporting real change.
It’s a paradox. And it’s the work.

Deep gratitude to Juliane for the gentle, provocative reminders. They’re still rippling through me.

03/28/2025

When curiosity becomes extractive (and how to respond to yourself with care)

I had a conversation with a dear colleague and friend recently that left me humbled.

We were talking about curiosity. I’ve always considered it one of my strongest qualities—this ever-churning drive to understand, learn, and dig deeper. But I realized something: sometimes, my curiosity isn’t relational. It doesn’t come from care. It comes from a hunger to know, figure out, and solve—even if the person or moment isn’t asking for that. Oh, "humaning" is so humbling and wonderful and being accountable to care and love so humbling and wonderful too.

That kind of curiosity—extractive curiosity—isn’t bad. Doubly interesting to keep the intersectional component of neurodivergence in mind when a curious mind is also a neurodivergent mind - not a person being an extractive jerk.

Nevertheless, we can use this inquiry as a signal. A sign that something in me wants to grasp, control, make sense. Usually because I’m a little activated or afraid.

What matters is how we respond when we notice it.
Do we shame ourselves? Pretend we’re “just being curious”? Or do we gently ask:
--What part of me is so hungry to understand this?
--Is this curiosity serving connection, or just my need to “get it”?
--Can I soften into care instead of pressing forward?

I’m learning that caring curiosity is slower. SLOW DOWN is kind of my inner voice a lot these days. When I forget everything, SLOW DOWN helps so much.

Caring curiosity also listens more. It honors mystery. It respects the pace and privacy of others. And it invites me to include myself in that care, too.

We all get caught in uncaring curiosity - how could we not - our culture teaches the uncaring kind. But the way forward isn’t harshness—it’s kindness, curiosity about our curiosity, and the humility to keep learning.

How do you notice the difference between extractive and caring curiosity?
hashtag hashtag hashtag

03/17/2025

When Groups Traumatize You

I lead a group. I’m in three beautifully held consult groups. And I still struggle with trusting groups. This has been on my mind.

Group dynamics was my favorite course in grad school. We did T-Groups, Encounter Groups, Tavistock Groups, and Gestalt Groups. It was edgy. It was illuminating. And it showed me something big:

For many, early trauma didn’t come from just one person. It came from a group.

Maybe it was:

A religious community that tied belonging to the threat of hell.

A family where unspoken rules kept you in line (or left you for dead).

A political or activist group that used humiliation or shame to silence you.

A society where questioning identity norms or identity based discrimination led to punishment, financial harm, or exile.

When group trauma is in your history, modern groups—work teams, activist spaces, social circles—can stoke old wounds before you even realize it.

And then, you might find yourself doing some funky, familiar things from trauma:

Rebelling against any group structure (fight).

Minimizing the group’s importance—“I don’t need you” "I'm better than you" (flight).

Complying to stay safe (fawn).

Detaching emotionally but staying involved (freeze).

How We Can Be More Trauma-Informed in Groups

✔ Spot your patterns. Your nervous system might need care from you.
✔ Choose groups that allow difference. The best ones make room for complexity.
✔ Practice self-trust. Make a list of what you need (from the group and yourself) to feel safe enough to belong. Groups just need to be good enough, not perfect.
✔ If you lead a group, ask:

Are we fostering true connection?

How do we understand trauma and co regulate with people's sense of threat?

Who doesn’t feel welcome here and why?

How do we foster diverse views (without splitting into “good” and “bad” people)?

Where do we exclude, and what purpose does it serve?

Healing group trauma starts with rethinking how we belong and what kind of spaces we co-create.

What’s your relationship to groups?

trauma

03/07/2025

Yesterday, I was texting in the WhatsApp group for the women joining the Sidewalk Talk U.S. Bus Tour. We had our first team meeting on Monday, and there is something deep about these humans who have practiced listening on sidewalks. As I sat with that, a warm, flowing gratitude and peace took over my whole body. So I texted the group: "I feel profoundly grateful for this community."

And then this morning, it happened again. A colleague I had never met before invited me for a virtual tea. No agenda, no transaction—just presence. She asked, “Tell me who you are. What’s your day like today?” And in that moment, I felt it: the depth of relational presence that changes everything.

I left that call feeling something shift in me again. Softer. Hopeful. Clear-eyed.

The word “withness” came up in my consultation work with Rebecca Wong this week. She shared that trauma doesn’t need fixing—it needs withness. Juliane Taylor Shore calls it “undoing aloneness”—the kind that lives deep in our bones when we carry relational trauma. This is why I don’t believe just getting people to be more social will heal loneliness. Deep withness, the kind that meets loneliness where it actually lives, is what’s needed. And lately, I’ve been receiving a lot of that—not just from the folks I’ve mentioned, but from dear, sacred friendships and my husband.

Sidewalk Talk isn’t about fixing—it’s about deeply showing up. About saying, “You are not alone. We are here. Together, we can face anything.”

And every time I experience this withness—even in the tension of a couple’s conflict, or in the conflicts unfolding in the world—my whole spirit says:

This. This is the point. Deep embodied delicious community.

I hope you get some of that this weekend from people, animals, and nature.

Love to you.

03/04/2025

When Bridge-Building Means Confronting Your Own Entitlement

As I plan the Sidewalk Talk bus tour, I’ve had to wrestle with some uncomfortable entitlement in me.

In some communities, our presence has been met with suspicion. I get it. Not everyone wants what we’re offering. Not everyone trusts an outside initiative to truly listen.

At first, I felt the sting of rejection. But then I chose to confront something deeper: my own entitlement to be liked.

The desire to be seen as “one of the good ones” is so human. So human. I smile with compassion at that longing in us all.

But underneath that is an unconscious expectation—that people should grant me trust and openness because my intentions are good. When that expectation isn’t met, it can feel like rejection.

But what if it’s just neutrality?
Or self-protection?
Or exhaustion?

And here’s the sneaky part: Entitlement to being liked can create an "icky" power-over dynamic. When I expect warmth in return for my effort, I subtly place the burden on others to reassure me instead of simply offering what I came to offer. That’s not bridge-building. That’s a hidden transaction.

So, I’m reminding myself: You can’t force people to engage. You can only show up anyway.

How? Lots and lots of inner work, self-compassion, and humility. Lots of adoring myself so others arent required to do that for me. Without making it about whether I’m liked.

Our wounds mix with the realities of other people’s wounds. It’s hard. But in many ways, this is exactly what listening asks of us—staying present in the face of discomfort without needing to be reassured.

A special thanks to my teenagers who remind me often they don't like me and I get to practice continuing to listen. My biggest teachers in this work right now.

What helps you hold steady when you're not met with the reception you hoped for?

02/25/2025

Morning riff after reading Susan Neiman, Erich Fromm, Paul Verhaeghe, and Mark Solms. And then, of course, The School of Life who I have been fanning for 10 years. What a delicious morning mix. Someone said to me, "Why do you read so much in the morning?" I said "I am a foreigner in a land where I don't speak the language. So when I cannot talk to people I read. Books keep me company until I learn the German language well enough. And that has ignited a wonderful every morning curiosity cornucopia."

𝗜 𝗱𝗼𝗻’𝘁 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗺𝘆 𝗷𝗼𝗯 𝗮𝘀 𝗮 𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗮𝗽𝗶𝘀𝘁 𝗮𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗳𝗲𝗲𝗹 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿. 𝗜 𝘀𝗲𝗲 𝗶𝘁 𝗮𝘀 𝗵𝗲𝗹𝗽𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗽𝗲𝗼𝗽𝗹𝗲 𝗹𝗶𝘃𝗲 𝗯𝗲𝘁𝘁𝗲𝗿.

Therapy, to me, isn’t about perfecting life—it’s about living it.

A priority of responsible therapy isn’t to inflame us against those who have hurt us, but to guide us toward a more tolerable (and dare I say, even wild and wonderful) way of being with an imperfect world. Resilience in the face of hardship isn’t about condoning the harshness of the world—it’s about accepting reality as it is, so we can act with greater clarity and effectiveness to shape both our lives and the systems we exist within.

My job isn’t to hand out bullet points or rules for living. My job is to facilitate for my clients a deep exploration—a body, mind, emotional, and relational experience—so that we can make contact with the raw, mythic force of being human.

Yes, trauma matters. Yes, our nervous system holds the imprint of what has shaped us. But therapy isn’t about using those wounds to halt life, or insisting the world be perfectly caring. It’s about turning toward life as it is—whole, unjust, magnificent—so that we don’t live trapped in patterned reactions but instead, in full-hearted, imperfect intention.

We locate the wound, but we do not become it.

02/12/2025

𝗖𝗛𝗘𝗥𝗜𝗦𝗛: 𝗔 𝗩𝗮𝗹𝗲𝗻𝘁𝗶𝗻𝗲’𝘀 𝗚𝗮𝘁𝗵𝗲𝗿𝗶𝗻𝗴 𝗳𝗼𝗿 𝗖𝗼𝘂𝗽𝗹𝗲𝘀 💛✨
📅 Tomorrow, Thursday | ⏰ 7:30-9PM CET
💡 A generosity offering—give what feels right
🎟️ Get Tickets Here: bit.ly/CherishPlay - offered through Refugia.World and online sanctuary!

Gathering with other couples can feel edgy. Will our love (or lack of it) be on display? I get it. Loving a partner is one of the most vulnerable things we do. (Right up there with parenting!)

But here’s the thing—this isn't therapy. It’s not about proving anything. It’s about easing back into connection in a way that’s playful, light, and surprisingly normalizing.

I’ve worked with couples for years, and one thing I know? We get so out of practice connecting. And vulnerability? Oof. Some of us can’t even make eye contact without feeling exposed. No shame. Just human.

So, let’s shake off the pressure. No big romantic declarations required. Just come, be held by community, and let me guide you and your partner into some moments of connection that feel good.

No pressure. Just cherishing. 💛

02/04/2025

💛 Cherish: A Valentine’s Gathering for Couples 💛

Led by me, Traci Ruble—couples therapist of 20+ years and a wildly playful human—this isn’t another cringey relationship workshop. It’s a playful, non-cheesy way to reconnect, and let’s be real… we need it. The world is nuts. Our relationship should be a refuge, not another stressor.

💡 Did you know? Small, daily acts of cherishing—like a kind word, a compliment, or a loving touch—are more powerful than grand gestures when it comes to keeping love alive. Research shows that thriving relationships reduce stress, improve heart health, and even help you live longer.

Cherish: A Valentine’s Gathering for Couples is a 90-minute online sanctuary designed to celebrate and deepen the way you cherish each other.

📅 Join us in Refugia, an online sanctuary where all offerings are freely given—you contribute what feels right.

💕 Sign up now and give your relationship the gift of cherishing. bit.ly/CherishPlay or www.Refugia.World

02/03/2025

I have had some conversations with dear ones in the last few days. What is clear is that a conversation with a friend that you can count on to hold space and hear you without advice or needing you to feel better faster is necessary medicine right now.

No matter what is stirring in you, a gentle reminder, share the load. Hang with your peeps.

Oh, and sometimes sharing the load isn't always venting. Sometimes, it is just knowing that you could vent if you needed to. Sometimes, sharing the load is just being in the company of someone you know loves you no matter what.

If you don't have people like that in your life, I know a great place to find them. eh hem...if I may,
It is where many of my friends are from. I am going to hold another gathering this month again like last month to raise money for Sidewalk Talk. Will let you know soon with more advance notice.

All I know is right now, I am doubling down a few things:
1. Time with friends
2. Exercise in nature
3. Therapy and consultation
4. Music, lots of music
5. Silly stuff

This should be the regular way we take care of ourselves, but it seems we are getting one heck of a reminder. Is it just me, or do things seem particularly hard for many folks?

I love you.
We can do this.

02/02/2025

When emotions rise, my first instinct is often to analyze, react, or distract myself. Maybe yours is too. But none of these truly help. They just keep the feeling circling, waiting for real contact.

Instead, what if we turned toward the feeling? Found a wise elder part of us to hold it with curiosity and warmth?

Tara Brach’s RAIN practice is one way:

🌧 Recognize what’s here
🌧 Allow it to be as it is
🌧 Investigate with gentle attention
🌧 Nurture with kindness

No fixing. No arguing. Just presence. A sacred pause. Because our emotions don’t need to be solved—they need to be seen.

I am feeling right alongside you. You aren't alone.

Traci Ruble, MFT

06/27/2025

05/27/2025

05/19/2025

03/28/2025

03/17/2025

03/07/2025

03/04/2025

02/25/2025

02/12/2025

02/04/2025

02/03/2025

02/02/2025

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