05/23/2014
Who Should Make the Plans for Mother’s Day?
By Kirsten Kell
In planning for Mother’s Day last year, my husband and I ran into problems around our different expectations. Because I see it as “my day”, I shared what I wanted to do: Either have lunch at a cute café in Half Moon Bay followed by a walk (a new tradition for us), or head to Monterey Bay Aquarium to see a special seahorse exhibit I was interested in.
My husband, out of the blue, suggested driving a couple of hours for a wildflower hike. I had recently mentioned wanting to see wildflowers, but that wasn’t what I had in mind for Mother’s Day. He responded that he should plan Mother’s Day and I should plan Father’s Day.
I asked some of the moms in my son’s playgroup about their Mother’s Day plans. Half of the moms said that they had chosen what they wanted to do and made plans accordingly. The other half was expecting to be surprised by their husbands.
Clearly, it’s not that my expectation or my husband’s is “correct”, but our expectations are different. When we have different expectations someone is likely to be disappointed. As couples, it is important to talk about ideas and create shared expectations. There are several steps to doing this successfully.
First, figure out exactly what your own expectations and desires are. Then, invite your spouse to have a conversation with you about them. Share information about what you want, and ask your spouse to also share expectations and desires. After you both understand the other’s point of view, you can start looking for common ground, which may not be initially obvious. If it is not obvious, continue talking in a respectful and curious way with your spouse. As you try to create an agreement, it is helpful to look at areas where you feel comfortable compromising. If you lead the way, your spouse might follow.
In my own relationship, I typically make most of the plans and take care of the details to make trips happen. So, in our conversation about Mother’s Day, I shared with my husband that I would love for him to be in charge of all the arrangements, including packing and planning for the kids. I also said that I would be fine with surprising each other for our respective days, but that it was important that he ask me for ideas so that I am sure we do something I’ll enjoy. And because I want to ensure that he truly enjoys what I plan for Father’s Day, I asked him if he would be willing to give me some ideas for his special day as well.
We ended up continuing our tradition of going to Half Moon Bay and my husband even packed the diaper bag. But, we have realized that it is often really cold there in May. I think this year I’ll be more comfortable leaving the plans up to him.
Enjoy and celebrate Mother’s Day in whatever way makes you feel most appreciated. I’d love to hear how you celebrate. Share your plans on my page: Couples Counseling by Kirsten Kell, MFT.
Kirsten Kell, MFT is a Marriage Family Therapist who specializes in working with couples through transitions, such as becoming parents.
