Stone Creek Reflections

04/08/2022

I’m sure there will be some who don’t like this idea, but it is a great to shed preconceived notions and learn.

04/08/2022

AUTONOMY IS A NEED

"The more control children have in their lives, the less they look to control the things they can't. That's why it's not really about "the red plate," it's about getting to make their own choice. Autonomy is one cup that young children need filled regularly and making choices is one way they fulfil that need."
—J. Milburn

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03/16/2022

Tantrums are a sign that a child's body has shifted into the "fight or flight" pathway of the nervous system. The fight or flight pathway launches behaviors that are involuntary, instinctual survival based, ie; not “on purpose."
— Dr. Mona Delahooke

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02/09/2022

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01/11/2022

"According to Psychologists, there are four types of Intelligence:

1) Intelligence Quotient (IQ)
2) Emotional Quotient (EQ)
3) Social Quotient (SQ)
4) Adversity Quotient (AQ)

1. Intelligence Quotient (IQ): this is the measure of your level of comprehension. You need IQ to solve maths, memorize things, and recall lessons.

2. Emotional Quotient (EQ): this is the measure of your ability to maintain peace with others, keep to time, be responsible, be honest, respect boundaries, be humble, genuine and considerate.

3. Social Quotient (SQ): this is the measure of your ability to build a network of friends and maintain it over a long period of time.

People that have higher EQ and SQ tend to go further in life than those with a high IQ but low EQ and SQ. Most schools capitalize on improving IQ levels while EQ and SQ are played down.

A man of high IQ can end up being employed by a man of high EQ and SQ even though he has an average IQ.

Your EQ represents your Character, while your SQ represents your Charisma. Give in to habits that will improve these three Qs, especially your EQ and SQ.

Now there is a 4th one, a new paradigm:

4. The Adversity Quotient (AQ): The measure of your ability to go through a rough patch in life, and come out of it without losing your mind.

When faced with troubles, AQ determines who will give up, who will abandon their family, and who will consider su***de.

Parents please expose your children to other areas of life than just Academics. They should adore manual labour (never use work as a form of punishment), Sports and Arts.

Develop their IQ, as well as their EQ, SQ and AQ. They should become multifaceted human beings able to do things independently of their parents.

Finally, do not prepare the road for your children. Prepare your children for the road."

(Copied status) but one that resonates with me.

08/17/2021

Just a reminder as kids get back to school ❤️❤️

06/22/2021

This. Hits. Hard.
And it’s something I’m still working on. I didn’t write this, but I wish I had.

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The inability to receive support from others is a trauma response.

Your “I don’t need anyone, I’ll just do it all myself” conditioning is a survival tactic. And you needed it to shield your heart from abuse, neglect, betrayal, and disappointment from those who could not or would not be there for you.

From the parent who was absent and abandoned you by choice or the parent who was never home from working three jobs to feed and house you.

From the lovers who offered sexual intimacy but never offered a safe haven that honored your heart.

From the friendships and family who ALWAYS took more than they ever gave.

From all the situations when someone told you “we’re in this together” or “I got you” then abandoned you, leaving you to pick up the pieces when s**t got real, leaving you to handle your part and their part, too.

From all the lies and all the betrayals.

You learned along the way that you just couldn’t really trust people. Or that you could trust people, but only up to a certain point.

Extreme-independence IS. A. TRUST. ISSUE.

You learnt: if I don’t put myself in a situation where I rely on someone, I won’t have to be disappointed when they don’t show up for me, or when they drop the ball... because they will ALWAYS drop the ball EVENTUALLY right?

You may even have been intentionally taught this protection strategy by generations of hurt ancestors who came before you.

Extreme-independence is a preemptive strike against heartbreak.

So, you don’t trust anyone.

And you don’t trust yourself, either, to choose people.

To trust is to hope, to trust is to be vulnerable.

“Never again,” you vow.

But no matter how you dress it up and display it proudly to make it seem like this level of independence is what you always wanted, in truth it’s your wounded, scarred, broken heart behind a protective brick wall.

Impenetrable. Nothing gets in. No hurt gets in. But no love gets in either.

Fortresses and armor are for those in battle, or who believe the battle is coming.

It’s a trauma response.

The good news is trauma that is acknowledged is trauma that can be healed.

You are worthy of having support.
You are worthy of having true partnership.
You are worthy of love.
You are worthy of having your heart held.
You are worthy to be adored.
You are worthy to be cherished.
You are worthy to have someone say, “You rest. I got this.” And actually deliver on that promise.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy to receive.
You are worthy.

You don’t have to earn it.
You don’t have to prove it.
You don’t have to bargain for it.
You don’t have to beg for it.

You are worthy.
Worthy.
Simply because you exist.

-J. White

05/29/2021

Maybe I’ve spent one too many hours recently dealing with schools and therapists who want to continue implementing inappropriate and ineffective “behavior plans” for kids…and I’m feeling a little feisty about it.⁣
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If you aren’t focusing first and foremost on building safe trusting relationships with children who are struggling (or any child for that matter)-you’re doing it wrong. Full stop. You’re missing the necessary ingredient to help kids develop the skills needed for better behavior.⁣
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Adult-Child relationships are literally the foundation of all cognitive, communication, social, emotional, and behavioral development. Children form the neural connections they need for skill development in all of these areas through their relationships with others. ⁣
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We can thank psychologists and educators like Dr. Alan Fogel (Developing Through Relationships), Dr. Alan Sroufe (Emotional Development), Dr. Dan Seigel (The Developing Mind), Dr. Barbara Rogoff (Apprenticeship in Thinking), Dr. Peter Hobson (The Cradle of Thought), and many others for showing how the development of thinking, communication, emotional and behavioral regulation happens via relationship with caregivers. ⁣
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And we can thank people in the realm of behavioral neuroscience, like Dr. Stephen Porges (Polyvagal Theory), for helping us understand the physiological components of emotional/behavioral regulation.⁣
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There’s no question that relationship is at the heart of everything with kids. But when a child is having challenges (especially in the realm of emotions/behavior), relationships are often not what people look to as the primary “intervention”. Instead, they focus on tallying, giving stickers, time-outs, detention, calling parents, restraint, and many more strategies that are misguided at best-and damaging at worst.⁣
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When a child exhibits concerning behaviors, start with developing or strengthening caring, trusting, safe relationships with at least one adult in that environment. That’s not just the “nice” thing to do-it’s the right and only thing to do if you really want to improve a child’s development and behavior.⁣
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Leave a ❤️ if you agree, and feel free to share your thoughts.⁣

05/14/2021

❤❤❤

National Foster Care Month is important because children are important. In a world full of rapid information and a stat for everything, we can get caught up in shaking our heads and turning away. It's hard and heartbreaking.

But when you hear the stories and you learn their names, it becomes much harder to look away. Everyone can do something to promote the protection of children and families. We're all in this together. Because our children need us to be.

05/11/2021

If every time I say, "I hurt," you tell me that I brought it on myself, or other people have it worse than me, or that I just need to look on the bright side, it's not going to make my grief go away. It's going to make me stop talking about it.

"Look at all the good you have around you."
Gratitude does not work like that.

This idea that appreciating what you've got is the antidote for the pain of what you're missing, that is a central fallacy. Gratitude and grief don't cancel each other out. They exist side by side.

I can be thankful that the air quality is such that I can breathe without having to think about it. I can be thankful that the sun is exactly enough million, trillion miles away that I am warm but not incinerated. That doesn't mean that my pain goes away.

One of the challenges here is that we think that if you're sad, you can't also be happy. They don't cancel each other out.

We are complex beings. You can have a big deep sadness and be having the best day ever, at the same time. The coolness of being human is that we don't have to choose just one thing at any time.

Don't encourage someone to have gratitude for the good things that still exist. Good things and horrible things occupy the same space. Instead, mirror their reality back to them.

One of the really cool things about this is that we can practice it in our everyday lives - which helps us build the skills we need to help each other in our worst and hardest moments.

The next time you hear someone make a statement of pain, I want you to notice your impulse to jump in and make it better for them.

Learn to notice your impulse to fix it or make it better and then don’t do that. Instead, mirror their reality back to them. When they say, "This entirely sucks," say, "Yes, it does."
It's amazing how much that helps.

03/08/2021

As our children head back to school, can I remind all of this