Ramblings of A Recoverist

10/03/2025

10/03/2025

When I was about two or three years old, I sat on a cactus. My parents needed to take me to the ER where they had to remove-individually- little needles that were stuck in my rear end.

When I was eight years old, I was racing on my bicycle, and as I was coming around a corner, I rolled my bike and subsequently my body flew off and I managed to shatter the bones in my left wrist. When the orthopedic doctor went to set my wrist they dislocated my elbow, but before they did that they went to inject the anesthetic and it just squirted right out, I proceeded to scream the entire time so much so that they escorted my mother out of the room so that she did not have to bear witness to her daughter in excruciating pain as for medical professional professionals held me down, and they proceeded to set my wrist and wrap me in a cast up to my armpit.

I imagine I hurt myself many times over between then and the time I was 17 but the next one I’m gonna list here was a doozy. One week before I turned 18 my face managed to go through a glass window. My mouth was cut, and I literally had a gaping wound which left me open from the inside out. Neither one of my parents were in the state that I was in, so I sat in the ER waiting for them to get permission to do all the things. On a Sunday afternoon a plastic surgeon was brought in to do an assessment and figure out how to safely and efficiently stitch the inside of my lower gum line together, the inside of my lip, and the outside of my face. After about 15 hours in that ER, I was finally stitched together again there’s a lot more details but I don’t suppose I have to go into all of that.

When I was 31 years old, I blew my right knee out. I had to have two separate surgeries on that knee. I was not able to fully walk for a whole year. I do not have all the parts that are necessary in that right knee yet I am able to use it at full capacity. I don’t fully understand, but I’m grateful to God and that’s the only Thing that makes sense.

I have been physically hurt over and over again in my life, I can handle the physical pain. There’s no doubt in my mind. I am a survivor of relationship violence, domestic violence. I have been emotionally abused. I have been mentally abused. I. Can. Handle. It.

I present the litany of these things because as we approach a looming Armageddon of whatever humans might bring upon us, I draw near to what our heavenly father tells us and that is I am with you and that is what is repeating in my mind and in my heart lately it is what I am hearing I am with you and I want you with me.

So I’m reminding myself that pain is just pain. It is temporary, but God’s love is forever and that is where I need to fix my eyes and let that linger.

10/02/2025

AM I SAFE HERE?

That is the question my soul searches for. With each person. In each situation. In a friendship. In a moment. In my words. Can I say that? Should I say that? What if I… what should I…

09/08/2025

My choice, one day at a time.

08/03/2025

Sobriety is all I have. It is the shield that covers and protects everything else that I am. With it comes my honor, my integrity, my strength, and my grit.

07/17/2025

My words are orriginal, copy-written, and legally mine. Any copying, using, or passing them off as your own is against the law and can be prosecuted as plagiarism and theft.

The Wilderness
Calling, like whispers through the air
I see the fear and turn my eyes away, in the shadow
The roar of the River is enough to push me-
I drift.
In the wind my soul flies, to do anything and be anywhere but here
I do not wish to face it, I cannot look!
The voice is my fear.
It lies.
Courage is fleeting, bravery is lost.
I am weak, I cannot fight.
Into the depth, like a cloud consuming my wholeness.
The wind blows, again, again, a crisp word is spoken,
I hear it, singing to me now -rising me from the dirt, from the ashes I shake-
I turn, face the shadow
I scream!

This forest cannot have me!
I rise, I fight, I waver, I fall, I no longer fear.

The trees are mine to climb I see the horizon
Into the wind, I whisper, this place is mine…

06/09/2025

HEART-BREAKING

It’s heartbreaking watching people choke back their tears, apologizing for feeling something real.

Who the hell made us believe that crying makes you weak? Who told you that showing emotion is some kind of flaw? That vulnerability is a liability? That being human is something to be ashamed of?

Let me tell you something—whoever fed you that lie was dead wrong. They were either broken themselves or too scared to face their own emotions, so they passed that fear onto you.

And I’m sorry you had to carry that. I’m sorry someone made you feel like you had to say “I’m sorry” for being hurt… for being overwhelmed… for being real.

You didn’t deserve that.

Feel it. Let it out. Tears don’t make you soft—they make you strong enough to feel the weight instead of numbing it.

It takes balls to cry. It takes courage to feel. It takes power to be honest about your pain.

So if you’re crying—don’t apologize. Don’t shrink. Don’t hide.

That emotion is your soul telling the truth. And the truth never needs to be silenced.

— j. anthony |

06/07/2025

I started this page to record my thoughts and feelings. As a way to track myself and my journey through this life of things as a human being. A recovering human being. Recovering from trauma and addiction, from abuse and mistreatment, mistrust and fear, and feelings of worthlessness.

So here I am- I have been made new. 🙏🏽💪🏼🙌🏼❤️ As of 6-5-2025 I am 19 years Sober. By the Grace of God, I am on the way to who I am suppose to be.

02/22/2025

Been working hard, keeping my chin up. Days go quick but weeks are long. My soul is tired, my mind is busy. My body feels old. Miles to go…Miles to go…