03/01/2026
WARD 5-- RADIANCE & PERFORMANCE THERAPY
INCIDENT REPORT: RETROGRADE GAME NIGHT
Filed by: Head Nurse Selene Luna
OBSERVATIONS: Ward 5 is typically very quiet when unoccupied. A single unshaded floor lamp stands in the middle of the room, burning brightly in the dark. During retrograde season, this is usually a blessing. Tonight, however, the ward appears to have discovered a new pastime: hosting its own entertainment programming.
When I stepped inside for a routine check, the lights dimmed, a spotlight snapped on, and something—possibly the ward itself—placed a bingo dauber in my hand. Before I could object, the room announced, very proudly, that it was now the official venue for Retrograde Bingo Night.
No staff scheduled this.
No patients requested it.
The ward simply… decided.
SOURCE OF THE DISTURBANCE: The Sun, currently a resident in Ward 12 (Pisces), issued a routine directive earlier today: a soft, symbolic request for the wards to “prepare for retrograde fluctuations.” Mercury, currently retrograding, attempted to relay this message from Ward 12.
He is reportedly:
• Wearing seaweed
• Accompanied by an octopus who has unionized
• Smelling faintly of fish and saltwater
• Doing his best to translate the Sun’s poetic phrasing into something actionable
Unfortunately, the message was received by Ward 5. Ward 12 speaks in imagery; Ward 5 hears a cue for a show. The resulting incompatibility has produced a full scale bingo night none of us authorized.
Ward 5 insists the Sun requested a performance. Mercury insists he asked for towels. Both statements may be true from their respective perspectives.
ENVIRONMENTAL OBSERVATIONS: Ward 5 is currently exhibiting the following symptoms:
• A spotlight turning on and off with impeccable comedic timing
• A faint smell of fish with no visible source
• Velvet ropes that were not present yesterday
• Bingo cards materializing on every available surface
The ward hums with anticipation. I am choosing not to ask why, as this is clearly Acute Unsupervised Retrograde Energy.
RESPONSE PROTOCOL: Per retrograde protocol, I accepted the bingo dauber before asking any clarifying questions. This seemed to satisfy the ward, which produced a marquee reading RETROGRADE BINGO NIGHT and flickered the lights in what I believe was applause. Ward 5 claims Mercury has prepared “educational materials” for the evening’s activities. I have not received nor reviewed them.
RECOMMENDED TREATMENT: Allow the games to proceed. Attempting to stop them would almost certainly escalate the situation into a full scale retrograde production.