Myra McPherson, LMHC, Ph.D.

01/04/2023

New year, new business name, new website!

I wanted to re-brand myself after COVID changed the way most therapists treated clients.I began offering to meet at an agreed-upon location and realized unknown benefits of doing therapy while walking. Probably the most frequent comment I hear is the ease of really talking while walking side by side, similar to how kids seem to open up in the car. (The analytical brain takes a backseat to the heart speaking the truth.)

I look forward to walking and talking with you in the beauty that is FLORIDA. Please check out my new website and get in touch.

Let’s Walk Through This Together An alternative therapeutic setting Myra McPherson named Best Counselor in Sarasota, FL in 2022 Myra McPherson, LMHC, Ph.D., has been in private practice since 1990. She works with clients who present with a wide variety of issues, including: parenting concerns and ...

06/27/2022

Mixing my love of walking and exercise with my love for helping people.....look for my updated website coming soon!

04/06/2020

When Adult Children Come Home - CONCLUSION!

Body language changes when an intention is made and assumed. My absolute belief was that I could feel loving toward myself and in so doing, like a flashlight shining outward, could be extended and felt by my family. The result of that absolute knowing changed my vibe.

Close to the time we typically eat dinner, the family began to gather. It was time to make “I” statements followed by the words: need, want, feel. These are basic to owning your stuff and communicating effectively. “You” statements often come across as personal attacks, criticism, or punishment: all ineffective and most assuredly shuts down communication in any relationship.

Me: I need some help from each of you with food prep and cleanup for these upcoming days and weeks. I’m feeling a bit overwhelmed. I want all of us to help out with the meals. Then there was silence. (Fun fact: did you know listeners can’t retain directives when using approximately 25 words at a time? That’s why we women usually complain no one listens to us…).
Husband: Oh, gosh, I wish you’d spoken up earlier. OK kids, let’s see what we can make with the meat that’s in the frig. I’ll marinate this meat right now.
AC1: OK, then I’ll cook it on the grill.
AC2: I’ll make the vegetables.
Me: And I’ll set the table.

I could feel the harmony and love returning to this family. It’s been said that what you give attention to in any relationship (positive or negative) you are sure to receive more of the same. It was time to state positive “you” statements followed by specific positive action that was performed. It’s not a compliment, it’s a comment that will hopefully reinforce the positive behavior.

Me to husband: Honey, whatever type of marinade you used made the meat juicy and delicious! I’d love to have this again.
Me to AC1: You must grill out often because the meat is cooked just the way I like it. Very tender and moist.
Me to AC2: How did you saute these vegetables? If it was a recipe, I’d love a copy.
Me at the conclusion of the meal: Please forgive me for being crabby these last few days. I genuinely want you each to know how much I appreciate and love you for being you.

This outcome was even better than I had intended! Here’s my personal take-ways from these past days together:

- Change is not easy for most humans. This pandemic has been a monster change for many, including me. I needed to self-love and understand this first.
- I’m 100% responsible for my feelings: positive or negative.
Therefore, the only person I can truly control and change is ME.
- Focus on the feelings I want when “beginning” to be upset. A great start is to focus on what is going right. Use “I” statements for what I want, feel, and need. No one can read my mind.
- Use “you” statements when I am praising someone. Absolutely no one likes to be verbally “punished.”
- An attitude of gratitude creates PEACE.

04/03/2020

Take CONTROL of your consistent emotions and begin to consciously and deliberately reshape your daily experience of life. ~ Tony Robbins

The only person I can control (and change) is MYSELF! When life seems to be out of control, it seems to be a reflection of how I’m feeling inside. Taking control of my emotions and preplanning how I intend to feel regardless of circumstances (including this pandemic) is my typical daily emotional fitness goal. Like falling off a diet due to inconsistency, I needed to be more consistent in controlling my emotions by deciding how I want to feel instead of reacting negatively. I affirmed a simpler and much more doable emotional goal: I plan to make the best of this day.

Next, I needed to be radically honest with myself. The more out of control this virus seems to become daily, the more tempted I’ve been to control anything and everyone I possibly can to regain some sense of normalcy in my daily routine. Schedules, goals, and routines help me feel safe in knowing what to expect. The new normal is the unexpected which is anything BUT feelings of safety.

I took the two sheets of rules and chores off the refrigerator door. I read my original intention for creating them, and there it was at the bottom of the page:

Intention: to live in harmony and love!

That was definitely not happening if I continued on the current trajectory. In my attempt for tidiness and order, the family was heading towards rebellion and alienation.

Self-control and focus renewed, a plan of how to make the best of this day was suddenly obvious. I was certain the plan would be a 180 turn toward the original desired intention of harmony and love.

04/02/2020

When Adult Children Come Home:

I anxiously awaited for midday when the Adult Children (AC) were to be showered, dressed, and most likely appear for food. Last night before bedtime, I had placed the expected rules and chores on the front of the refrigerator door so no doubt, I assumed, they had to have seen them before consuming their final snacks of the day.

Obviously I had been incorrect in my assumption. AC2 was the first to make an appearance. The outfit was the same one from yesterday only more wrinkled. AC1 entered the room wearing boxers and no shirt. The conversation went something like this:

Me: Good Afternoon to you both! Did you sleep well?
AC2: Nodded and yawned.
AC1: Scratched and shuffled to the coffee maker.
Me: Did you both happen to see the charts I put on the refrigerator last night?
Them: Neither answered. More scratching and shuffling.
AC1: Yeah.
AC2: Yes, but are you serious about all the rules? And if I do help with chores, what do I get? I’m too old for stickers or stars, you know.
Me: HaHa! I know that. (I had to think this through quickly. I assumed I did not have to reward AC for being contributing, responsible household guests. Wrong. Plus, both ACs probably make more money than me so monetary bribery wasn’t an option. Then I had an idea)!
Me: How about wine?
AC1: Shrugged. (Was that a yes)?
AC2: When do we have to start?
Me: How about tonight? (giving them the benefit of the doubt).

What do you think happened a few hours later? Absolutely nothing. My upbeat, hopeful mood quickly turned to feelings of being disrespected, unappreciated, and frankly used. The two Adult Children were being just that...children!

I had read that with adult children the parenting role was supposed to change from a manager of behavior to one of being a consultant for the purpose of allowing the adult child to gain wisdom from life’s lessons and not resent the parent for meddling. Sage advice, perhaps, IF the adult children are not living under the parents’ roof!

I took a big deep breath! I had to take responsibility for my reaction and attitude fast because what I was about to say and do was not going to be pretty.

03/31/2020

I’ve heard it said that each of us is 100% responsible for 50% of any relationship. What I take that to mean is if I’m grumbling over the dirty dishes and living room disarray, it’s my responsibility to let the family know my expectations of how to treat me, our home, and each other during our extended time together. Toward that end, I decided to create a set of rules and a chore list.

First, the family rules were created. I decided to make it basic and not too wordy. Here they are:

FAMILY RULES
1. Remove glasses from rooms daily.
2. Shower every other day (at least).
3. Get dressed by noon.
4. Fold blankets after use.
5. Make your bed daily.
6. If you make a mess, clean it up.

Intention: to live in harmony and love!

Next, I created an excel spreadsheet of chores. At the far left column the chores were written vertically: door k***s wiped with sanitizer, morning dishes, lunch dishes, dinner dishes, laundry, emptying trash in bathrooms and kitchen, dog p**p, cat litter boxes, preparing lunch, and dinner. Easy enough! Along the top of the document, family names were written. The idea was when a chore was completed, it would be initialialed by the person.

Ahhh! In my mind, a sense of order began to prevail. I can’t expect my family (or anyone) to read my mind of how to treat me, each other, or our home if those expectations are not communicated. Enthusiastically, I decided to teach by example. I showered, dressed, and wrote my initials by the chore of wiping down the door k***s with sanitizer. After strategically placing the two charts on the refrigerator with magnets, I felt a renewed sense of hopeful expectation.

I'm sure everyone will respond well.

03/30/2020

When Adult Children Come Home...Have you ever noticed how tired you feel when you are stressed even when you are happy? Experts call this Positive Stress. As I shuffled to the kitchen to make coffee, I flipped on a light and saw the counter full of unwashed dishes from yesterday’s meals. Sure enough, the fun had turned to a fantasy and I’m stuck cleaning up! My tired feelings were quickly turning to resentment. From my frequent meditations, I learned that feelings are a lot like a train leaving the station. If you catch the train early, you can easily stop it without much effort. But it takes much more effort to stop a fast moving one. It was still early enough to change my feelings about the mess in the kitchen. After the fifteen minute meditation period, I was much calmer, my breathing had slowed, and my attitude had improved.

I decided to ignore the dishes for now and straighten the newly remodeled living room (did I mention the work had been completed only a week earlier?) Had it only been one day ago the area was pristine and orderly? Now I see half finished drinks on the coffee table, and crumpled blankets strewn on the floor. The proverbial train was beginning to leave the station again. As I gathered up the items, I noticed a familiar looking book being used as a coaster for yesterday’s coffee mug. The book was called Fish! A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results. I now remembered giving the book as a Christmas gift a few backs to AC1. I had purchased the book based solely on the first word of the title “fish” and did not notice the subtitle or the accolades the book had earned. The subtitle, A Remarkable Way to Boost Morale and Improve Results was describing exactly the sentiment I had desired for the family during this time of social isolation. The book had earned the Wall Street Journal business bestseller award! As I randomly opened the book, I read these words: There is always a choice about the way you do your work, even if there is not a choice about the work itself. That’s it! Regardless of what is happening on the outside, we always have a choice of our attitude on the inside. Right then and there, I affirmed a more positive attitude...we always have a choice of attitude even if there is not a choice about what is happening during this unprecedented time.

03/29/2020

When Adult Children Return Home...I rallied as the dinner meal was coming together nicely (which is a novelty as I’m not known for my cooking skills). Dinner was announced and the family re-emerged from their napping areas. Joining hands, I requested someone else say the prayer as I confessed being a bit tired from the day’s activities as I stifled a yawn. No one seemed to notice.

As the meal progressed, the question was posed to AC1 and AC2: “What are your plans during your visit?” (Notice I did not say ‘home’ as I must have experienced a premonition of sorts at this point). They looked at each other and then AC1 replied “work and chill” while AC2 added “work and hangout.” I looked to my husband for his take on their responses. He nodded and smiled approvingly at the plans.

Toward the end of the meal, I announced my idea of taking turns creating a daily activity with the intent of having FUN for the entire family and something to look forward to. I volunteered to kick off my activity the following evening. I glanced at my family for some type of positive approval. Instead a blanket of silence was met with suddenly clearing the table and changing the subject. Now sitting alone at the table, my appreciative and kind husband thanked me for the meal and the activity suggestion and then got up and left. As I sat at the table, my tired thoughts turned to a single foreboding feeling: What if my expectations of fun were just a fantasy?

03/28/2020

Adult Children at Home Day 2: I awakened early with anticipatory excitement of the fun day ahead. The children would be arriving in a few hours and assuredly would be hungry. However, being a firm believer in setting a positive tone for the day, I sit to focus on gratitude and appreciation, despite all the fear that is occurring throughout the world. It truly helps. As the coffee brews, I survey our newly remodeled home that had just been completed a few days before the virus affected our area. Like the feel of a new car, we’ve been cleaning, wiping down, and polishing the kitchen and living room daily in pride and gratitude, pleased how the remodel reflected the “feel” we were looking for.

Time flew by as I made the children their favorite brunch items. We soon hear them arriving and run out to greet them all, including the “grand-animals.” Adult child 1 (hereafter shortened to AC1) introduced us to a puppy whose breed was one that sounded much like two combined swear words. Cute, but very very young (a slight warning sign went off in my head that I quickly renounced). Adult child 2 (AC2) had recently adopted a young cat but assured us the cat was used to being around fellow felines and anticipated no commingling difficulties with our beloved cat.

After settling into their respective rooms, we gather to reunite and connect with food and drink, just as suggested by the experts. As we hold hands for a prayer of thanksgiving, we hear growling and barking in the living room (did I mention it’s newly remodeled?). It seems the puppy had found our dog’s stash of tennis balls and a fight ensued. Simultaneously, it seems AC2’s cat surprised our cat who was napping and fur was flying. Luckily, with all of us pitching in together, we separated the animals and balls, and were able to resume eating within an hour or so. No one seemed to complain about the cold quiche, warm drinks, or soggy carbs. I felt the need for a nap but there was no time. Brunch had taken up more of this fun day than I had allotted and there was food preparations to be made for the evening meal. However, I was heartened that the family was working as a team, except I seem to be the only team member not napping. I had a fleeting moment of perhaps, just perhaps, being together indefinitely may be more of a fantasy than fun. I brush that detail aside and reset my thoughts to the positive benefits of reuniting with the family. A nap could wait.