09/23/2024
Today I take accountability.
Accountability for my happiness. Or lack thereof.
For the joy that I have allowed myself to be stripped of.
For the deep unsettling feelings circulating inside of me. Consuming me.
For the insistent, threatening, profoundly fierce, thoughts swimming around my mind.
Their control over me.
Feeling the storm with no beginning or end inside of me. Instead of calming waves and dying winds there is powerful oceans of water colliding against one another creating more power in despair.
For the hopelessness.
For the emptiness.
The neglect.
And a looming sense of un belonging.
Of failure. Or wasted time.
Of getting it wrong, for far too long.
For the permission I have sought from others that know not what it’s like to be me.
For the outside validation that falls short every time.
The dead motivation, the faltering inspiration, the gearless drive.
The list goes on. It accumulates negativity, hopelessness, deep weighted, reoccurring depression, fear and doubt.
Today I take accountability. Today I sit in my pain. Feeling it for all that it is.
Welcoming the suffocation of it all.
Knowing I cannot learn to breathe again. Without the preceding gasp of breathlessness first.
Today, in this moment, I become breathless.
I die to be born again.
Maybe tomorrow, I will catch that breath.
And the following day, I breathe it in, having let it go and start again. This time closely mimicking the first breath I ever took, the beginning of this life. With one distinct difference.
This time I’ll be ready.
This time I know the magical light to inhale and expand into.
This time I know the unconditional love to be consumed by.
This time I know the endless forgiveness and understanding to live by.
This time I will breathe in compassion and grace and glide into each moment from that space.
This time I reside in a regulated state of calm, groundedness, and peace.
This time my heart beams a radiant light, whispering its resilience and truth.
This time I possess a harmonious balance of playfulness, confidence and wild.
This time I know the wisdom of my body and I trust it.
This time I am intimate with the knowing of my wholeness. And the lessons learned of the path of brokenness.
This time I know my mind is for me, on my side. Together we thrive.
This time my soul remembers the way.
For sometimes we have to be fully broken to remember our wholeness.