Balanced Beings Counseling

29/02/2024

New body image group starting April 1st in Tempe!

11/08/2023

Sharing this post by the Occuplaytional Therapist for us parents to hold this in our thoughts as we go through our day with out little ones. As humans, when we know better we can do better. As parents, we can a balance our right to be perfectly imperfect with a desire to know a little better and do a little better everyday and every interaction on our parenting journey

There’s an episode of Bluey called “Muffin Cone” (s2 e43). The girls’ little cousin, Muffin, who’s three years old, comes over to play at their house.

She won’t stop sucking her thumb, so her mom has resorted to making her wear a “cone of shame” (since they are all dogs, after all).

In the episode, Muffin’s mom laments the fact that she won’t just have the self-control to stop sucking her thumb…while, she herself, eats an entire bag of chips (i.e., demonstrating a lack of self-control!)

Straightforwardly, the episode is a tongue-in-cheek look at the way adults expect more self-control out of their children than they themselves have. It also makes a decent point specifically about relaxing expectations around thumb-sucking. The kid is only three, after all, and a human adult is going to have a hard time forcing their human kid to stop sucking on a part of their body that’s continually attached to them, given that putting a protective cone on another human’s neck is not seen as an appropriate intervention. (Not to mention that intervening in another person’s capacity to self-soothe is a recipe for disaster in general.)

There’s also a larger point here about adults’ expectations of kids’ maturity in general. (Bluey episodes are really great at packing layers and layers of deeper messaging into one cute silly eight minute episode!)

Because it’s not just self-control that adults expect kids to have more of than they themselves do…

It’s patience. (Child should wait patiently for me to respond anytime they ask for something. Meanwhile, if I ask a question, I expect a prompt response.)

It’s respect. (Child owes me deference. Meanwhile, I can laugh at things that are important to them, or ignore them, or talk about them like they’re not there.)

It’s self-regulation. (Child must not react in anger toward me or somebody. Meanwhile, if child pushes my buttons, I’m justified in yelling or punishing them.)

It’s self-control. (Child must restrain themselves from things they want to do. Meanwhile, I’m an adult so I can do what I want.)

It’s attention. (Child must not wiggle or move around while sitting in class all day. Meanwhile, no one would dare tell me that I can’t get up and go use the bathroom at work if I just need a brief brain break.)

It’s silence. (Child can’t talk in line while they walk somewhere at school, or in class if they have a question, or in the lunchroom…meanwhile, I can talk or text whenever I want.)

Heck, some parents even hit their kids because their kids hit somebody. Or yell at their kids for yelling. The list goes on and on and on. There are a thousand ways in which children are expected to live up to standards that adults are not expected to maintain.

And then, oftentimes, those children grow up and feel entitled to the respect as adults that they were missing as children…and out of a misplaced sense of figuring out how to obtain that respect, they simply reenact what they were taught on the kids that now they’re in charge of.

At very, very least, shouldn’t we the adults ask ourselves “why” the rules are a certain way? And maybe, if it’s appropriate…maybe adjust them for the future generations?

[Image description: A still image from the TV show “Bluey”. In the image, Bluey and Bingo, a blue cartoon dog and an orange cartoon dog, are looking with concern/empathy at their cousin Muffin, a grey cartoon dog who is wearing a “cone of shame” and looking down with sad eyes. End description.]

15/04/2023

I love the explanation here as to why to say it differently

It's confusing to be a toddler. Toddlers often want to be "big kids" and be grown up (especially if they have older siblings)...but they may also really want to be "babies" and be taken care of (especially if they have younger siblings). They may go through long phases of wanting one or the other for days or weeks at a time, or they may shift between wanting to be “big” and wanting to be “little” and varying each hour.

Using their age as a motivator can sometimes really backfire or feel hurtful to a child if they're struggling to meet an expectation that's being placed on them. Trying to be independent is the big developmental hallmark of this age. Trying to be connected and close to their caregivers is still the biggest driving human need, and what makes them feel secure.

Well-meaning adults—just trying whatever tools they (the adults) have available—might think that they’re appealing to something meaningful to the toddler when they say things like, “Don’t you want to X? Big boys X,” or, “You don’t need to Y. Only babies Y and you’re not a baby.” But what they’re really doing is poking at their child’s biggest internal emotional struggle in a way that can plant the seeds of shame.

***

Imagine an area where you feel two very poignant and very conflicting desires. Imagine you have the opportunity to get a break, leaving your kids with a trusted and caring babysitter; but that day is a particularly hard day for your child (or one of your children), and when the time comes to leave, the child is begging you not to leave.

You might have two conflicting, powerful emotions inside of you. You love your children very much and you want to meet their needs. You also very much want a break and want to get to go on with the plans you had for the day. You might feel deeply both ways.

Now imagine somebody comes along and says, “Don’t you want to leave? Go on, go. You need to get out of the house, stop coddling him.” Or, vice versa, “You’re not going to leave him, right? Only terrible parents would leave their child when they’re child is feeling this way, and you’re not a terrible parent, right?”

Somebody voicing the two halves of your emotional struggle with a shameful spin on them might provoke different reactions in you. It might make you want to lash out and do the opposite of what they’re saying. Or it might pressure you to cave in and do what they’re saying (stay or go), but now you feel resentful and feel like you’re doing it because of them, not because you worked through your own internal struggle of conflicting emotions and desires in a way that would resolve and feel authentic to you.

***

Instead of making your toddler feel like their age is an indicator of how "good" they're being (i.e., being "good" is being "older" and being "bad" is being "younger")...try describing what's going on for them without any moral judgments about their age. After all, it’s not a moral judgment to be a baby. Babies just are babies, that’s what they are. There’s no shame in that.

And as we describe and name what’s going on inside of our child, we may not flip a magic switch that makes them do what we wish they would do…but we give them language to be able to describe it to themselves.

There shouldn’t be shame in being 2 and needing to be taken care of. (Or 3 or 4 or 15 or 25 or 75, we all need care sometimes!)

Nor should there be shame in being small and trying very hard to be autonomous and independent.

The struggle between wanting to be “big” and “little”, between wanting to be independent and cared-for, is the most powerful internal struggle of this age. It’s okay to acknowledge and be there for our kids as they work through that on their own! We don’t need to add our voices of shame to the background of the work that they’re already doing.

19/03/2023

There is a great deal of overlap between how ADHD and trauma manifest leading to high rates of misdiagnosis, particularly for children who do not yet have the language to express their internal experience. Here is a great article to help understand the differences between the two and why is important to discern the two.

When kids have behavior and attention issues the first explanation that comes to mind is often ADHD. But exposure to trauma can also cause symptoms that look like ADHD. And trauma is often overlooked when kids are misdiagnosed with ADHD.

17/10/2022

Check out this great upcoming event on Smashing Diet Culture! Attend virtually or in person

https://image.em.ercpathlight.com/lib/fe2d11717d64047c7c1579/m/4/SayItBraveEditableFlyer.pdf?j=1158440&sfmc_sub=381993664&l=7053_HTML&u=148542534&mid=518001919&jb=0&id_mc=381993664&utm_source=MC_518001919&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=B2B_sayitbrave&utm_term=SHARE+WITH+CLIENTS+AND+COLLEAGUES&utm_id=1158440&sfmc_id=381993664

06/08/2022

06/08/2022

I moved into a new office and am loving the new space!

31/08/2020

Next time you nurture a dysregulated child, notice how breathing and heart rate decrease, and the body relaxes as they enter into a calmer biological and emotional state.

How we respond *most* of the time builds resilience against how we may respond some of the time, when we too are dysregulated.

A sincere apology and improved responses go a long way in modeling how to repair relational rupture. Which is inevitable.

We all need relational safety to grow in emotional resilience.

I think people struggle the most when they feel alone in their emotions.

When they have no-one they trust to share their thoughts and dreams with, or empathize with their most uncomfortable feelings, mistakes and experiences.

Having a trustful compassionate person to share your true feelings with is life-changing. It can be life-saving.

Parents and caregivers are this safe place for children to empty out their hurts and fill up their love tank. It makes sense for them to find their own trusted adult people in order to unearth peaceful practices and become their own safe place too.

We all need to empty our hurts and fill our love tanks in ways that promote wellbeing. It's never too late to learn and practice how.

💞Lelia.

Child & Parent Wellbeing consultations/classes online
www.leliaschott.com

30/06/2020

Parent’s Summer Reading List: Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman, Ph.D. and No More Mean Girls by Katie Hurley, LCSW.

John Gottman focuses on the power of emotional validation while providing practical and clear recommendations on how to be an “emotion coach” for your child when they experience the strong uncomfortable emotions of daily life.

While Katie Hurley’s book is all about helping our daughter’s navigate, stand up to and even prevent the social aggression we see in “girl world” as early as the 2nd grade these days. This book gives parents tools to help our daughters develop inherent self worth, leadership, and communication skills needed to manage the everyday ups and downs in their interpersonal relationships. Don’t be fooled by the title, this book, in my opinion, is a great tool for parents of most girls and not exclusively the “queen bees” as it provides tools for parents to guide girls away from both social aggression and passivity.

Plus BONUS for my busy parents out there: both are available as audio books! Happy Reading 🙂

https://www.gottman.com/product/raising-an-emotionally-intelligent-child-book/

https://practicalkatie.com/no-more-mean-girls/

Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child by John Gottman will enrich the bonds between parent and child and contribute immeasurably to the development of a generation of emotionally healthy adults.

28/03/2020

I am a huge fan of Daniel Tiger and the message it sends about the OKness of all of our emotions and the power of children talking about them and caregivers validating them. And here they’ve nailed it again with how to talk to our kiddos about Coronavirus in a calm and truthful manner

https://www.pbs.org/parents/thrive/how-to-talk-to-your-kids-about-coronavirus

With coronavirus being a concern for grown ups, kids might also be worrying. Here's how to talk about COVID-19 with your young children, plus ways to practice healthy habits all year round.

23/03/2020

https://thisistucson.com/tucsonlife/just-remember-earth-simple-ways-to-help-kids-through-this/article_68de6cc8-6b09-11ea-959a-dfdfdd12bc1b.html

We're sailing some uncharted parenting waters at the moment and there are a lot of ways our childrens' mental health, emotions and well-being are being impacted by what we're all

21/03/2020

Balanced Beings is now offering Telehealth sessions to be able to continue to provide support to clients during the COVID-19 health epidemic

26/12/2019

Give the gift kid self-love 🎁

https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=21896

Easy conversation starters to show Mighty Girls that you care about her mind, her feelings, and her fascinating self!

17/06/2019

Every emotion has a gift, we just need to learn how to recognize it and channel it in a healthy way. This is an interesting article focusing on teaching our daughters to do this with all emotions including anger, as anger tends to be less socially acceptable in our culture for females than males which may be linked to increased rates of anxiety and depression. Let’s not forget to teach our boys these skills for fear and sadness! There are some great teaching tools in this article that might help you create a home environment supportive of emotional labeling and expression. Great topic.

https://www.amightygirl.com/blog?p=23651

"We are so busy teaching girls to be likable that we forget to teach them that they have the right to be respected."

07/06/2019

Emotional and physical well being are intertwined and dependent on one another. Mommas, get those babies sleeping well so you can get some rest yourself

This Sunday @ 10am I have my FREE newborn sleep class .
Calling all PREGNANT and PARENTS OF NEWBORNS.

I’m super excited for my next round of FREE NEWBORN sleep classes.
http://www.atozsleepsolutions.com/freeclass/

MY FREE Parents-to-be sleep class goes through the sleep expectations for the first 12 weeks.
-What to expect from your newborn in regards to sleep
-How to change their days and night around
-Newborn Sleep Myths
-Setting realistic sleep expectations for newborns
-The importance of Naps
-How to settle a newborn (Harvey Karp 5’s S).
-Safe Sleep Practices
-Helpful biological sleep tips on how to set up your nursery to ensure optimal sleep environment along with helpful newborn items to consider.

Class duration - 60 minutes, which includes Q&A time.

03/06/2019

I am loving the concepts of this Responsive Parenting Support and Inspiration page that I have started following. As both a Mother and a therapist the ideas really resonate with me. Check them out! https://www.facebook.com/913330015514239/posts/1165630543617517?s=10023317&sfns=mo

“Letting children have control does not make them feel entitled, it makes them feel empowered.” J. Milburn

When we give an adult a task and ask them to take control of the project, we do not assume that this new found responsibility will encourage a sense of entitlement. In fact, in the adult world, we assume that giving someone control over a task will encourage them to take more ownership in that task. We see how it creates a sense of agency and we expect the person to be better able to complete the task if they are given full control over it. Why do we see children differently? Especially if this fear over creating an “entitled” child is based on concern for their adult life and motivation to perform in the workforce. The adult world actually sees giving control as a motivator for increased responsibility and agency over a project.

Here is an article about children and this narrative about a “sense of entitlement”

Do kids these days have a sense of entitlement?

“If we tell children they are selfish, entitled and ungrateful, I believe they may become that way. If we encourage and model gratitude, humility, grace and kindness, our children will likely model those traits too. You want to change the world? Be kind to children.” J. Milburn

Link to article: https://wp.me/p9YDgq-9S

28/03/2019

Mindfulness can literally change the pathways of the brain- this is such cool stuff! If you or a loved one has been struggling, know that growth is possible

https://www.feelguide.com/2014/11/19/harvard-unveils-mri-study-proving-meditation-literally-rebuilds-the-brains-gray-matter-in-8-weeks/?fbclid=IwAR3h22iY9_OlJgEYrYcjNsCEEQebh1POQ8Q0O6V96NDNniGUROum9jMrTNM

Test subjects taking part in an 8-week program of mindfulness meditation showed results that astonished even the most experienced neuroscientists at Harvard University. The study was led by a Harvard-affiliated team of researchers based at Massachusetts General Hospital, and the team's MRI scans doc...

19/02/2019

Yes. Let’s give our children the gift of mindfulness so they can thrive rather than just survive in today’s world

As mental health problems among children increase, the government will try having students practice mindfulness, relaxation and breathing exercises.