05/13/2025
When my daughter was about 18 months old, we started trying for a second child, and I quickly became pregnant. Unfortunately, I miscarried just before Christmas. Over the next five months I would have two more miscarriages. I was devastated!
After seeing a specialist, it was determined that I was nearing early menopause and would need IVF to conceive again. We decided to get a second opinion and tried on our own for six months before moving forward with IVF. Soon after, I had my 4th . I had to stop. I couldn't deal with the loss anymore. I wanted to find a new job (I was a labor nurse at the time). I wanted to try to get past our desire for another child. I wanted to stop mourning something I didn't even have.
A month later, on my husband’s birthday, I decided to take a pregnancy test, just so I could feel good about having a drink that evening. I quickly saw a blaring positive test. Over the following week, I had a few beta tests that were more than doubling. So I was convinced it was a molar pregnancy.
We had our first ultrasound at 5.2 weeks pregnant. We quickly discovered it was twins. I was pretty detached from this pregnancy for the first several weeks, convinced something was going to go wrong. The process of dealing with secondary infertility made my twin pregnancy very different than my first. I realized we often don't get a choice in this life. We don't get to choose how long anyone is alive. I also had so much anxiety every step of this pregnancy. When would these babies be taken from me?
I just needed to hear the heartbeats.
I just needed to make it to the second trimester.
I just needed to feel them move.
I just needed a reassuring 20-week ultrasound.
I just needed to make it to viability.
I just needed to continue to feel more movement.
I just needed to make it to the third trimester.
I just needed to make it to 34 weeks.
I just needed them to be born so I could know they were ok!
I just needed them home.
This severe anxiety and fear of loss deeply impacted the first year after having twins. I didn’t realize, in the moment, how debilitating my was. As a result of not seeking help, I feel like I missed out on the first year of their lives.
