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Allie Jayne Reed, LMHC, Seattle, WA (2025)

10/27/2025

Do you ever feel like you’re a completely different person around your parents than you are in your day-to-day life? You’re not alone.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & realign with your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/25/2025

Kerri(32) knew she was healing when she visited her parents & didn’t shut down nor fall backwards into her usual Role as the mascot or enabler...

Instead of being the ‘comic relief’, she sat back & calmly observed. She observed what others were saying & doing, as well as what she was feeling.

She prioritized staying in her window of tolerance, scanning the environment for safety, belly breathing, and maintaining a willing posture.

Instead of being agreeable (or disagreeable for that matter), she expressed her opinions even if they differed from others. She didn’t argue, she said ‘that’s valid. I think ___’

She stayed out of little tiffs or arguments that arose instead of trying to keep the peace or get family members to stop so she could enjoy herself, she practiced mindfulness, paired muscle relaxation, and hummed instead. She didn’t take bait for role reversal.

She didn’t try to soothe her ‘stressed out’ mother. She didn’t try to herd her father to the kitchen. She didn’t laugh at a joke if she didn’t find it funny.

She spoke about topics that she wanted to share, said ‘ouch, that was hurtful’ when her dad dismissed her, kept calmly eating when it got quiet & left at the time she had originally planned to, after a cool 2 hours. She didn’t take the bait for conflict.

She didn’t fall for her mom’s tactics to hold her up at the door. She used strategic ignoring with an easy-manner, continuing to gather her things, smile, & say ‘I gotta head out, bye bye for now’

She left to go see some friends, not because she had something her parents deemed ‘important enough’ planned right after. She left to prioritize what’s important to HER, what makes her Life Worth Living, after having already spent what she felt was adequate time with her family based on her needs.

This is what its like as an adult child of emotionally immature parents, after trauma therapy.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & rediscover your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call w/ me!

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10/23/2025

10 Hidden signs of emotional maturity...

1) Ability to control one’s own attention & actions

2) Ability to delay or defer gratification

3) Genuine relationship repair skills - including apologizing, being accountable, & keeping at it for as long as is needed for the relationship (because depending on the relationship & situation, repairs don’t usually happen in one convo. That’s not how trust works)

4) Ability to validate someone else’s emotional experience, even if it differs from their own. Celebrating similarities AND differences, not rejecting or judging

5) Lean into conflict rather than avoid or act like all is well (when no repair has been made & all is clearly not well)

6) Self-reflection & self-awareness, rather than frequently asking everyone else to coach or spell things out for them

7) Empathy. The kind that only someone who’s in touch with their central nervous system & feelings can have, not the shallow intellectual ‘understanding’

8) Someone who can effectively express their genuine thoughts or feelings, even when the threat of others judging or not understanding is present (e.g. crying in front of others, showing signs of distress, sharing their opinions even if it means rocking the boat - these are often signs of emotional integrity)

9) RESPONSIBILITY

10) Being present & unassuming, open to new information about others & not putting them in a ‘box’ or role in their mind

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & rediscover your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call w/ me!

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*Disclaimer - emotional maturity isn't about perfection - it embraces nuance, though it does observe patterns. This information is not meant to pathologize, diagnose, or otherwise provide mental health care. This post is for educational purposes only.

10/20/2025

& then checking out on the couch (or dissociating) until bed, just to get up & do the same cycle again tomorrow.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & overcome anxiety, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/18/2025

Is the fact that your emotionally immature parents aren’t awful ALL the time making it hard for you to step out of their dysfunctional system?

It’s true, emotionally immature parents aren’t always behaving ineffectively. Occasionally, they’re good listeners, give good advice, or show glimmers of compassion & softness.

This makes it hard for us to believe who they truly are & their flaws, because as their offspring, we’re not programmed to WANT to see their flaws. What we want is an accepting, attuned, and loving parent. In these moments where we actually feel cared for, we feel hopeful.

But this is intermittently reinforcing us to believe we might get another glimpse of that emotionally mature parent again.

The truth is, EIPs have limited capacity for empathy, interest in another, care & compassion. These rare moments where they show they are capable of this are not signs that it’s who they truly are. Who they truly are is the version of them you get on a consistent basis.

This is why inevitably, they bounce back to their true form, making you wonder where that moment of feeling connected disappeared to.

Just like abusers aren’t abusive all of the time, neither are emotionally immature parents. We can’t make decisions on how to proceed in relationships with our parents based on how they treated us when at their best - we have to consider who they truly are, flaws & all, without judgment & with total honesty. We have to consider the pattern.

Instead of holding onto hope, try seeing your parent as a whole, thinking dialectically, accepting who they are, and allowing yourself to step out of your Role in their dysfunctional system in order to finally realign with your Authentic Self.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & rediscover your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/16/2025

In the PNW, Ive worked with lots of women whose parents display more covert signs of emotional immaturity. So heres 10 sneaky signs you grew up with emotionally immature parents that you might not realize...

1) Your parents spent dinners either talking about themselves, their work days, or bickering. Rarely did the kids have & hold their attention for long.

2) Conversations revolved around things your parents found engaging.

3) Your parents seemed disinterested until you expressed interest in doing something they would want you to do, then suddenly their faces lit up & praise was awarded.

4) Rather than providing you with guidance, life skills teaching, & consequences to help guide you, they expressed disapproval in your behavior by passive aggressive mocking, grimacing, or criticizing. Theyd tell you what you needed to do, but put little effort into understanding & supporting your growth & skillfulness.

5) They tried to influence how you think, feel, your goals & dreams, and what you believe instead of influencing you to develop healthy, helpful habits youd later use in adulthood.

6) Conversations were highly intellectual & emotions were mostly absent. Emotional expressions may have been judged as ‘immature’. (Classic signs of emotion phobia)

7) Your parent said ‘youll figure it out’ instead of helping you. Your own opinions, values, beliefs & future goals are supposed to be what you figure out without their heavy influence (but still with support where it’s needed), not how to do homework, chores, self-care, emotion regulation, etc.!

8) Expressions of how you felt were invalidated, you were told why you were wrong & should feel differently.
Expressions of thoughts or opinions led to debates rather than curiosity & understanding.

9) Differences, individuality & uniqueness weren't embraced, but sameness was encouraged or rewarded.

10) Your parents frequently expressed judgment or criticism of others. They had lots of commentary & couldnt just let others be, especially if they didnt like something. Their personal preferences & feelings turned into strong opinions & judgments.

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10/13/2025

Why self-help may not be working for you to heal your relational trauma...

If you were raised by emotionally immature parents, you’re probably highly resourceful, self-reflective, and independent. Understandably, you may have thrown yourself into the self help world to heal your relational trauma, because, why wouldn’t you?

Self help is incredibly useful & effective in so many ways. A con of reliance on self help, however, is that it cannot heal relational trauma, because relational trauma recovery depends on not only the trauma treatment you participate in, but the relationship you form with your therapist.

Since we’re pack animals, we rely on important relationships (usually to our caregivers) to meet our developmental needs, including emotional needs. When our caregivers fail to meet our needs, negative beliefs about ourselves, others & the world are formed, which color how we relate to others going forward.

Trauma requires targeted interventions in therapy in order to ‘recover’. Relational trauma requires that PLUS corrective relational experiences, where you can learn to be emotionally intimate, connected, & fully trusting of another - something your EIPs didn’t provide.

The corrective experience of a trusted professional helping you through the process of trauma therapy, seeing all parts of you & aiding you in allowing others to too, is necessary for your healing. It simply cannot be done alone through self-help.

This doesn’t mean self help is bad or that you shouldn’t use it. It means that while self help is useful for lots of things, healing your relational trauma is where it might need to simply take a back seat.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & overcome anxiety, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/11/2025

The truth about your PERFECTIONISM & what it’s trying to tell you...

Perfectionism is a common pattern of behavior in adults who were raised by emotionally immature parents. This is because many EIPs only give attention, validation or praise when their children are high achievers, performing above average, or otherwise not making mistakes.

This teaches their children that love, attention & validation are conditional & depend on the child’s ability to perform or be ‘perfect’.

Since EIPs tend to be self-involved, negligent & rejecting, they’re also likely to ignore, criticize, judge or punish a child for making a mistake, being imperfect, or ‘underperforming’ (which sometimes means just performing at an average level).

This causes the EIPs child to believe: ‘If I’m not perfect, I will be rejected’ or ‘I am only lovable if I am performing well’.

The result: an adult who avoids making mistakes at all costs. The adult who is a driven high achiever.

This is because once those negative beliefs form, things like making mistakes, leaving a task undone, or putting forth less than 100% effort prompt immense feelings of SHAME.

This is the emotion at the root of your perfectionism: shame. It’s a cue to alert you to faulty beliefs & exactly what needs to be healed in order to heal your trauma & realign with your Authentic Self, an imperfect human who still receives love & acceptance from those who matter most.

When shame is high, grief is inhibited. Not only is the shame pointing to your negative beliefs, but it’s also telling you what you need to grieve.

Fortunately, trauma therapy grounded in DBT-PE targets exactly this through exposures. Eventually, your shame comes down, perfectionism dissipates, beliefs change, and grief can finally be processed.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & embrace your authentic, human self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/09/2025

Is the belief that your trauma isn’t REALLY trauma keeping you from going to trauma therapy?

Your trauma doesn’t have to be ‘as bad’ as someone else’s or ‘extreme’. You’re just as worthy of trauma therapy as the person who you believe ‘had it worse’ than you.

Many women I work with express shame & guilt for approaching therapy because they don’t believe they ‘had it bad enough’. Understandably, they’re invalidating themselves the way they were taught to by emotionally immature parents / people.

Instead of judging yourself, your experiences & your reactions to them, try to validate yourself instead.
Emotional abuse is still abuse. Emotional neglect can cause significant harm. Relational trauma is still trauma.

I encourage you, lovingly, to leave the assessment, diagnostics, & treatment recommendations up to the professionals.

Your needs matter. You deserve treatment. I know it might be hard, and take the first step toward self-validation & self-care by reaching out to a trauma therapist in your area anyway.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & rediscover your Authentic Self, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/07/2025

Instead of asking: “What do I need to do to get my parents to understand me?”

Start asking: “How can I accept & tolerate that they may never understand me, & act true to myself anyway?”

Here's how you can start: in trauma therapy rooted in DBT-PE, we use skills training combined with exposures to not only process & heal trauma, but also to increase your ability to tolerate & accept the reality of who your parents are, rather than trying to 'get' them to finally meet your emotional needs. This type of therapy also works to change how you feel about situations that usually prompt anxiety, fear, guilt, & shame (like telling your mom 'no' or using PTO), so that you're able to actually access the grief of having unmet needs in childhood, trauma, and more; because when fear, shame & guilt are high, grief is inhibited, hence why it still feels 'stuck' & is so hard to 'move on' from.

& if you've never felt understood by your parents, you have something to grieve.

This is how you find peace & resolve with what you've been through & the reality. This is how you learn to work with the reality that is, not what you wish reality was.

This is how you stop trying every trick in the book to 'get' your emotionally immature parents to finally see you, understand you, and accept you. Isn't it exhausting?

Let this be your sign to redirect your attention to your own healing instead of trying to change your EIPs.

If you're ready to heal your wounds from & stop trying to get your parents to change, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call w/ me!

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10/03/2025

Healing, change, and growth requires acknowledgment & assessment of the causes. Ignoring the part EIPs & dysfunctional families play (or played) in your current patterns of living simply won't be effective for meaningful change & healing.

If you're ready to heal your childhood wounds from & overcome anxiety, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me!

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10/01/2025

The problem isn't small talk. The problem probably isn't your introversion either. The problem is usually lack of skill & problem beliefs formed in childhood from emotionally immature parents about ourselves, others & the world based on repeated encounters that prove meaningless & draining.

If you find yourself avoiding small talk, you might just need to get better at it or change your approach!

Your aversion to small talk is so normal. Heck, I used to hate it too. Then, with practice & trauma therapy, I finally started believing what all the sociologists & researchers have been saying about small talk: that it's important for building trust, forming connections, and thus quality of life.

If you perceive small talk as either shallow or deep, draining or stimulating, or something you're either 'on' or 'off' for... this post is for you!

If you're ready to heal your wounds from & learn how to form meaningful connections with others, tap the link in my bio & schedule an intro call with me.

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Allie Jayne Reed, LMHC

10/27/2025

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10/23/2025

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Monday	11am - 6pm
Tuesday	11am - 6pm
Wednesday	11am - 6pm
Thursday	11am - 6pm