Embodied Consent

05/16/2019

I Ask How Power Impacts Consent

Consent can be complicated when one partner holds more power than the other. By being mindful of the ways power imbalances may impact consent, you can take steps to ensure your partner feels comfortable communicating their needs.

What is Power?
Power is the ability to influence the actions and choices of others.

Power can be obvious, like in the case of a supervisor or mentor, or it can be less apparent like when there’s a difference in s*xual experience.

Imbalances of Power
Relationships have a power imbalance when one person has the power to influence things like money, a place to live, a job, or a reputation.

Having power over someone can influence how comfortable they feel saying no to s*x — someone may fear negative consequences for not consenting.

When someone abuses power over a partner, they may use verbal threats or not. Either way, consent is never possible when someone feels they don’t have a choice.

Examples of Imbalances of Power
Age differences and s*xual experience: An older or more s*xually experienced adult may make a younger or less experienced adult feel they need to “prove” that they are mature or experienced.

Level of ability: Some adults who have physical or intellectual disabilities, older adults, or those who need assistance from a caregiver may rely on their partner in some areas of life, but their decision-making in other areas should still be respected.

Position in society: Someone may have more social privilege than their partner — through their education, job, wealth, citizenship, or other factors.

Privilege: White privilege, Male privilege, and other unearned advantages are part of the power some of us bring to relationships.

Checking In
Before asking for consent, consider how holding a position of power might influence the situation.

Ask yourself: “Would this person say yes if I didn’t have power/authority over them?”

Make Consent Clear
If there’s a difference in power between you and your partner, your partner may feel less able to tell you their needs.

Let them know they can tell you when they’re not interested in doing something.

Ask questions in a way that communicates you’re okay with their answer — no matter what it is.

For example, “I hope you know you can tell me how you’re really feeling – saying ‘no’ is always okay.”

© 2019 National S*xual Violence Resource Center. All rights reserved. | nsvrc.org/saam

02/05/2019

Any help on my path toward this healing work is so appreciated. Thank you.

Help Carey French Become a Somatic S*x Educator Greetings! Hello friends, family, community, strangers, I’m Carey French, a consent educator and boundaries coach in Seattle. This past year I have been training to do one-on-one healing work with clients as a Somatic S*x Educator. In 2016 and 2017.....

10/23/2018

Reminder for those of us who want to know what to DO about all these stories of assault:

(Well, first off, feeling a sense of urgency around needing to DO SOMETHING is a part of the White Supremacy Culture we're all steeped in, so remember that when you gently talk yourself down)

AND: Consent Culture is what we DO about r**e culture.

We ask our lovers about their boundaries.

We celebrate our friends when they decide to cancel plans to take care of themselves.

We ask children if they want to be picked up.

We say, "it's totally ok to say no" and MEAN IT.

We treat "no" like the real, authentic gift it is. Wow, you trust me enough to share your true boundary with me. Thank you.

We examine ourselves and our behavior and get curious about what we learned about entitlement and power.

We get real about the fact that we were all raised in r**e culture, and we all have dismantling to do inside ourselves.

We find our "YES" inside ourselves, and say it when we want to, and revel in it.

We have conversations with our friends about the types of systemic power and social status we have, and how that might affect us navigating consent with others who don't share those types of power and status.

We tell stories about the first time people used verbal consent with us during s*x, and how revolutionary and hot (and possibly awkward but good anyway) it was.

We ask "Do you like this?" "How does this feel?" "Can I kiss you?" "Do you want me to touch you here?"

We hold our arms out for a hug and wait for the other person to come toward us in kind.

We host discussions about consent culture.

We make art and media about consent culture.

We invest in producers making p**n featuring explicit verbal consent.

We recognize that a culture of consent goes way beyond the bedroom, and is embedded in every aspect of our lives and the way we relate to each other.

Fundamentally, we respect and celebrate the agency, autonomy, choice, and sovereignty of everyone, just as we respect and celebrate our own. We celebrate that choice and sovereignty so much that we are unwilling to coerce each other.

And we recognize that creating a culture of consent is the same thing as ending racism, ending ableism, ending colonization, ending transphobia, ending heteros*xism... that choice and sovereignty are fundamental rights, and we are all bound up together in the same struggle for liberation.

(YES, PLEASE SHARE! With attribution. Thank you.)

10/11/2018