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The Terminal Hippie, Sedalia, MO (2025)

12/13/2025

“No one talks about how exhausting it is to fake being normal.

It’s constantly putting on a smile, even though you want to cry.
It’s pushing through a job all day, just to go home not being able to walk.
It’s going grocery shopping, and having a panic attack in the car afterwards.

We’re constantly masking to hide our true feelings for many reasons.
Some of us have opened up to others and been shamed for it.
Some of us have thought to ourselves that there’s other people that have it worse so we try to be positive.
Some of us have had our own families not believe us or understand us.

Chronic pain is a different kind of hell.
There’s never a moment in our lives that we are not in some degree of pain. It eats a way at us a little by little daily, and it will continue to do that until we either go into remission, or leave this world.

And it’s exhausting. It’s draining. It’s heartbreaking. And it takes its toll.

We’re not faking being sick.
We’re faking being well.”

💜

12/08/2025

Can this all be over now? 🙃 continued prayers this resolves please 🙏🥺❤️ but yay for improvement!

12/08/2025

As I watch a big member of the terminal breast cancer community enter hospice and withering away, it beyond breaks my heart. I forget how truly lucky I am to still be here, even if the hand is unfair. she has only been battling 2 1/2 years. I don’t get why some of us have such a short time and some of us are blessed with more time. I can only pray that the time keeps coming.

12/08/2025

“You’ll regret cutting off that family one day.”
No.

What I would regret is raising my kids to think disrespect is normal.
What I would regret is keeping them around people who can’t love them the way they deserve.
What I would regret is teaching them that being related is a reason to tolerate toxic behavior.

Cutting off family isn’t about bitterness.
It’s about protection.
It’s about breaking cycles.
It’s about choosing peace and safety over guilt.

So no, I won’t regret protecting my children.
I’d regret failing to.

📸: Five Sparrows Photography

12/07/2025

Stage Four Breast Cancer

I’ve been trying to make sense all these emotions over all these years of cancer and I think I finally have it down to mainly one. Scared.

On the inside I’m just a scared little girl. More like terrified. And how can you not be when you’re told your whole world will fall apart but you’re not sure when?

Always waiting for that ball to drop.

Every hospital visit scares you, every complication you wonder if it’s the beginning of the end.

But at the same time you could live years and years. So I guess it’s the unknown that terrifies me most.

I’m scared of death hurting.

I’m scared of watching myself slip away from my children. I feel like I’m leaving them unprotected in this world, even as adults if I make it that far.

How do you get used to the scared?

Years of this, and I still don’t know.

I don’t know how anyone “thrives” with this. I guess in the beginning it was easier.

I’m a person that loved life, and now half the time I get too nervous getting out of the house.

I’m trying so hard to live and just have a normal life. It now seems like it was so easy before all of this. I would do anything to have a normal life again.

There’s no one to relieve me of being the strong person, and I just want to breathe so badly. Metaphorically and literally right now.

I’m sick of being scared.

12/06/2025

Accurate 😅 I always say I must’ve been a serial killer in a past life to have this bad luck throughout my life, but def with the cancer.

12/06/2025

A last update from being discharged. My breathing is even worse than I thought, I went to go run a couple quick errands and I couldn’t even make it through the store. Barely to the door so it looks like I’ll be taking it easy laying down a lot until this hopefully resolved soon. I’ll know if the antibiotics are working within the next 48 hours if I get relief and if I don’t, I feel like it will be bad. I see a respiratory therapist on the 10th and hopefully will have new answers. Praying that everything will work out and trying not to worry.

12/06/2025

Here’s the final update for tonight! I will update once I’m out of here and on the new meds and seeing if they’re helping. I’m really hoping that my bad echo today for my heart is not related to the issue with my lungs. I got the results back for my echo I got done earlier today before the ER and it’s not showing the best results. I swear right after one thing happens, another thing happens. But I’m grateful that I’m getting some news and ruling things out! I just hope and pray that my health continues to grow strong. Thank you all so very much. ❤️❤️

12/05/2025

Made my stubborn butt go to the ER. They are worried about ruling out either a blood clot or something else going on with my lungs like pneumonia. This all started from what I believe is a complication from the cancer treatment I’m on. They’re getting me started on steroids and a breathing treatment. My local hospital Bothwell got me back right away and is taking great care of me.

12/03/2025

Here’s an update on everything going on recently. Unfortunately, my oxygen has gone even further down past what it was when they diagnosed the lung infection. It should be better because I just finished the antibiotics and I’m almost done with the steroids. My oxygen should be up if I’m getting better. It’s getting below 90 which they said to watch out for. Hanging out right around there in the 89 to 91 range. I can’t really do much without getting winded and I’m constantly coughing up what feels like a swollen throat. But thankfully, I’ve also had better days waking up than I have in a while since I posted and prayed about that problem. I will always have hard days and days that I will cry over all of this, but I get over it and move onto the rest of my day until the next time. 😅 but I’m still here fighting.

12/02/2025

The quiet gets me.

It’s the moments between waking up and getting distracted by the day. The silence in the early morning before anyone else is up. I try to shut my eyes again and the thoughts just consume me.

When I get up and start my day, it gets easier. But it’s that quiet. It lets in all the thoughts that I didn’t think I was holding back, but apparently am. I mean, I can’t even talk about my cancer without starting to cry. It’s heavy and scary. My soul is so tired of fighting, but I want to stay here at the same time, for the kids. This was the morning of Thanksgiving. And as I sit here crying another morning, I can only keep trying another day.

This disease drains you… emotionally, physically, financially. In every way. And I am one that tries to find the positivity and keep going. It’s not supposed to be this hard this long.

As Ive been healing lately, I’ve been doing better with getting up and not letting all of this consume me. It’s still very hard. It’s like I’m just floating through life. The days pass by so rapidly, which means less days than I had before. I only make it for doctors appointments and rarely get out of the house now.

I don’t know why this cancer still gets to me so bad or if it just will always be this hard, but I think myself and possibly a few others expect myself to be used to it now. But I don’t know how to stop almost obsessing over what I will lose. But more importantly, any hole I leave behind. I used to have a healthy body, and now my body betrays me. I guess this is me holding up my end of the bargain to be transparent in my journey. I almost didn’t post it on Facebook, but it’s not even a tiny fraction of what I deal with inside. But I have to keep showing up for my children. I have to show up for myself to be that example for the kids. But to try to act normal and show up when everything is not normal and I’m not healthy, it’s so hard to act healthy and normal. I think that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. I don’t just feel sick and try to pick up the slack, I try to act as healthy as I can too, and that’s just hard work.

11/26/2025

Good news! It looks like I’ll be able to heal at home with a couple prescriptions to make this lung inflammation/infection go away. We will be following up with another CT when I go back in a few weeks and hopefully I’ll be able to get my infusion. So ideally as long as I get better, I get to avoid the hospital! That is good, thank you all so so much! The words of encouragement and love helps so much.

The Terminal Hippie

12/13/2025

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11/26/2025

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