01/12/2026
Why It Matters Monday: Asking for Help Is Not Simple
For many disabled people, asking for help is hard long before the words ever leave our mouth. It is not just about needing help. It is about pride. Independence. The deep desire to do things for ourselves. The fear of being seen as a burden.
All of that shows up at once.
Take something simple, like needing help washing your hair. Hair washing is personal. It is routine. People know how they like it done. How long to scrub. Whether to shampoo twice. What feels right on their scalp. Those preferences do not disappear just because someone needs help.
But when a disabled person asks someone to help with something like that, there is already vulnerability in the room. Someone is helping with your body. Your space. Your care. And almost immediately, another pressure shows up. Be grateful. Do not complain. Accept the help however it comes. So when the help is not quite right, many disabled people stay quiet. Not because we do not notice, but because saying something can feel like crossing an invisible line. One where gratitude is expected and preferences are treated as too much.
We are taught, over and over, that needing help means we should not also have opinions. That tension lives in so many moments of care. Wanting support while wanting control. Needing help while wanting dignity. Being thankful and still wishing something were done differently.
It gets even more complicated when the person helping is someone you rely on regularly. A caregiver. A partner. A friend. There may be frustration or hurt between you, but the help still has to happen. Disabled people often push their feelings aside because their needs do not pause for emotional messiness.
This is where support can shift from uncomfortable to affirming. Help does not have to mean guessing or taking over. It can be collaborative.
It can start with simple check ins. “How do you usually do this?” “What works best for you?” “How would you prefer this to be done?” These questions say, I see you as the authority on your own body and your own life.
Asking instead of assuming changes the entire dynamic.
It removes the pressure to accept help in silence. It creates space for honesty without guilt. It tells the disabled person that their preferences are not an inconvenience, but an important part of care.
When support makes room for choice and voice, it becomes easier to speak up in the moment. It becomes easier to trust. And it becomes easier to ask for help without feeling like something is being taken away in the process.
Having preferences is not a problem to manage. It is normal. Disabled people have likes and dislikes, routines and rhythms, just like anyone else. Needing help does not erase that.
When help makes room for preference, it protects dignity. It turns care into collaboration instead of control. And it makes asking for help feel a little less heavy. That is why it matters.