Stephanie Baird, LMHC

08/22/2024

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05/17/2024

The Disappearance of Shere Hite
Published April 25, 2024
S*x Matters Column, Montague Reporter
By Stephanie Baird, LMHC

1. “Spend 3 days alone.”
2. “Take yourself seriously.”
3. “Whenever caught in a situation, where you are made to feel girlish and helpless, bitchy and aggressive, or any other stereotype, leave immediately and do any action which you enjoy and which is yours.”
4. “Rely on your own financial resources at all times.”
5. “Enjoy yourself a lot.”

I begin this article with these instructions for “not being a stereotyped creation of your society,” originally expressed by Shere Hite in the 1970s, to show that so much of what feminists have been fighting for, going back even to the first wave of feminism in our country in the 1850s, continues to persist today.
The above blueprint was gleaned from the riveting documentary, The Disappearance of Shere Hite, originally released theatrically last November and now available to stream via Amazon Prime. Shere Hite was a prolific researcher, writer, and feminist activist who produced stereotype- and myth-shattering data about both women and men, in a time before computer data analysis. I found this film so agitating and galvanizing that I could barely sleep afterward.
Hite was born in the Midwest in 1942. Her mother divorced thrice, and Hite was mostly raised by her grandparents. After completing a master’s degree in History from the University of Florida, she entered into PhD History studies at Columbia – “studying history because I couldn’t understand the present” – only to be met with her first “overt class and gender prejudice.” Esteemed professors questioned whether she wrote her master’s thesis herself, and if the books she cited were even available in Florida.
After experiencing this overt s*xism, Hite, an out bis*xual, serendipitously became acquainted with early 1970s feminist activism and protests, particularly with the National Organization for Women (NOW), who were protesting s*xist and gender stereotypical depictions in advertising – including an ad that Hite herself been paid to appear in.
NOW also protested the Museum of Natural History, which they dubbed the Museum of (Un)Natural History, as it only depicted women with cooking apparatus or babies while men were shown hunting, building, etc.
Hite coordinated her questions and efforts with NOW resources, resulting in the development and initial distribution in 1972 of her first open-ended questionnaires for the “feminist s*xuality project.” This questionnaire included many questions about how, why, and how often women ma******te, and how many orgsasms they find s*xually fulfilling, among many other very personal and specific questions. Many thousands of questionnaires were sent all over the United States, and a bit over 3,000 were returned.
The major finding of the resulting Hite Report on Female S*xuality was that around 70% of women respondents easily had or***ms via cl****al stimulation ma********on, but rarely had or***ms from pen*s-vagina in*******se alone. Hite and her data were questioned during press conferences, articles, and TV interviews.
Geraldo Rivera raised the “fear that ma********on will become the ultimate s*x act and men will become obsolete.” A defender at a NOW press conference gave the analogy, “What if men were expected to only or**sm by stimulation of the testicles, not the pen*s?” Men were staggered to learn that cl****al stimulation was much more important than vaginal pe*******on.
After years of gathering questionnaires answered by men, she then published her Hite Report on Male S*xuality (1981) based on over 7,000 respondents. Some of the radical conclusions included how the majority felt “pressured” to perform s*xually. In the documentary the male editor said, “When the [men] started answering questions about their emotional lives, I haven’t had many sadder experiences as an editor in my life.”
Many of the respondents mentioned the lack of acceptance and virtual denigration of showing sadness, and a lack of connection with their own fathers. This book, by virtue of the answers, demonstrated a very early critique of toxic masculinity, in the voices of men.
Both the book on Male S*xuality and Hite’s third book, Women and Love: A Cultural Revolution in Progress (1987) pointed out the rampant rates of affairs amongst both married women and men – both around 70% within the first fjve years of marriage – as well as huge amounts of emotional dissatisfaction among women (84%), and reported emotional psychological harassment by men (95%). Again, these findings were questioned and scoffed at by the general media and academia.
For me it was disheartening to see this history lesson as so many of the equalities that women and feminists have fought for over the centuries, such as universal and free or low-cost abortion access, accurate anatomical information – realistic diagrams of the internal cl****is have surfaced and disappeared since at least the 17th century – and the elimination of anti-LGBTQ laws, continue to be elusive. Activists at the NOW Convention in 1977 held signs stating “Keep your laws off my body.” The editor of a magazine for the female gaze (“Gaze”) said she found it “troublesome that perhaps young women coming along [today] will have to fight the same battles over again.”
Some of Hite’s other radical ideas mentioned in the documentary include: “Equality doesn’t seem dangerous to me” and the notion that if “each individual decides how to share their body with another person, then I think we have to imagine people will love people of the same s*x, also.”
One of Hite’s peers noted that she “cared passionately about a better world for everyone, without labels, without repression. It’s hard to express just how revolutionary that was at the time.“
Another radical observation made by Hite occurred while she was a guest on Oprah, in an audience entirely composed of men. As she sat between men in the first row, Hite said, “Look at our body language, it’s very different. You live in a world in which power gives you the right to sit with your legs apart, and you go like this, and look at me,” pointing to herself sitting with legs closed, arms within the seat space.
The man next to her responded, “I’ve never heard being able to sit with your legs apart is a privilege.” We didn’t see widespread discussion of this body language privilege again until .
Hite eventually had to sue Macmillan to get her full earnings. Despite receiving more than 15,000 anonymous surveys for her research, seeing her books selling 5 million copies, translated into 14 and languages, banned in eight countries, and her original Hite Report being named the 30th bestselling book of all time by Newsweek, Hite felt forced to flee the US for Europe due to overt hatred and censorship, renouncing her citizenship in 1995 and passing away at the age of 77 in 2020.
I truly hope she was living her last years “enjoying [her]self a lot.”

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05/17/2024

“Part 2 Interview – Emily Nagoski’s New Book, ‘Come Together’” Published March 21, 2024, Montague Reporter
(Monthly “S*x Matters” Column) by Stephanie Baird, LMHC

Dear readers, for March we have Part Two of the interview with Emily Nagoski, PhD about her latest book, Come Together: The Science (and Art) of Creating Lasting S*xual Connection (2024).
Here is a bit more information from the jacket description:
“Nagoski breaks down the obstacles that impede us from enjoying s*x – from stress and body image to relationship difficulties and gendered beliefs about how s*x ‘should’ be – and presents the best ways to overcome them. You’ll learn:
• that “spontaneous desire” is not the kind of desire to strive for if you want to have great s*x for decades;
• vocabulary for talking with partners about ways to get in ‘the mood’ and how to not take it personally when ‘the mood’ is nowhere to be found;
• how to understand your own and your partner’s ‘emotional floorplan,’ so that you have a blueprint for how to get to a s*xy state of mind.
“Written with scientific rigor, humor, and compassion, Nagoski shows us what great s*x can look like, how to create it in our own lives, and what to do when struggles arise.”
I happily gulped down this new book in a handful of days, and am including it in my canon of regularly recommended texts for my clients – especially those in long-term relationships – as this book also has a lot of excellent communication strategies and tips.
As are her other two books, it is written in a highly readable, relatable, and engaging style. Throughout the book, as in Come As You Are, Nagoski takes every opportunity to remind readers they are “normal” and “not broken,” no matter what they think of their own struggles. She also continuously reminds us of how difficult it is to cultivate a pleasure-oriented, pleasure-positive s*xuality, in the consistently toxic and erotophobic culture that surrounds our “gardens.”

SB: Can you share a couple examples of practical skills couples can learn from this book?
EN: The most transformational skills in the book are not what you might call “practical.” They involve cultivating s*xual confidence (that is, knowing what’s true about your s*xuality, your body, your mind, your world, your relationship, your life history, even if it’s not what you think “should” be true” and even if it’s not what you wish were true) and joy (that is, loving what’s true about your s*xuality etc., even if it’s not what you think “should” be true, even if it’s not what you wish were true.) (Joy is the hard part.)
Above all, turning toward whatever is happening in the moment with confidence, joy, compassion, and a sense of play, rather than a sense of worry that something is “wrong,” will completely revolutionize a person’s experience of a s*xual connection. Changing our relationship with s*xuality itself is the foundational transformation that will change our s*x lives.
But the practical stuff is helpful, too. As one example to illustrate, my spouse and I put towels in our nightstands, so that we could clean up without having to get out of bed on a cold New England night. Transformational!

SB: If you could recommend only one or two other modern self-help s*x-related books (other than your own), what would they be?
EN: Oh gosh, it really depends who the reader is. I think Magnificent S*x by Peggy Kleinplatz and Dana Ménard is essential reading for all professionals for any research-minded person interested in s*x. For people who are delving into their own s*xual minds to discover what’s true for themselves, under all the cultural lies they were told, I recommend the forthcoming Feel It All by Casey Tanner of *xtherapy.

SB: What local bookstores can folks buy your book from?
EN: Many local bookstores carry Come Together, and any of them can order it if you ask! My local bookstore, Book Moon Books in Easthampton, carries signed copies.

SB: Now that you might have a bit of free time again for yourself, what types of activities and self-care do you enjoy?
EN: Hahahahahahaha FREE TIME THAT’S HILARIOUS I LOVE IT!!!!
I have long COVID, so the bulk of my free time is devoted to restoring my nervous system and my mitochondria to full working order. Do long, hot baths count as an activity?

SB: Heck, yeah, hot baths count, especially if your partner draws them for you.

Having now had a chance to fully read and digest this powerhouse of optimism, I’ll mention a few highlights that stuck out for me: Nagoski speaks often of “centering pleasure” in our lives, both throughout the day and sensually/s*xually. “Spark” in a relationship and “pleasure” are not the same, as “spark” can be hard to maintain long-term, and is actually not associated with long-term relationship contentment.
Getting to know our pleasure-favorable spaces in our emotion brain (lust, play, seeking, care) and pleasure-adverse spaces (panic/grief, fear, rage), alongside our thinking minds, bodies, and observation minds, can help us sort out our “floorplans,” developing blueprints for accessing pleasure more often.
Figuring out what is adjacent to lust spaces in our floor plans will help us access said lust and resulting pleasure. For instance, if play is close to lust – like a screened-in porch that you walk through – then laughing and wrestling with your partner may help you get to lust a bit easier.
Nagoski also spends plenty of time discussing the negative impact of various imperatives such as the “coital imperative,” “the variety imperative,” the “performance imperative,” the “confidence imperative,” the “monogamy imperative,” and even the “s*x imperative.” To learn more, you’ll have to get the book and turn to page 197.
There is also a full chapter – perhaps my favorite chapter – devoted to the mirage of the “gender binary.”
In the end, Nagoski is doing her damndest to instill in her readers that we deserve the right and the opportunity to fully be and express ourselves authentically, confidently, and joyfully. For that, I am eternally grateful.

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03/03/2024

“Part 1 Interview - Emily Nagoski’s New Book, Come Together” Published February 29, 2024, Montague Reporter (Monthly S*x Matters Column) by Stephanie Baird, LMHC
Happy Leap Year Day, and end of the month of love! In celebration of both self-love and romantic love of others, we are very fortunate to feature an interview with our local – and national – treasure Emily Nagoski, on the heels of the publication of her third book, Come Together: The Science (and Art) of Creating Lasting S*xual Connection (2024).
I first had the pleasure of meeting Emily when she presented her first book, Come as You Are (2015) at a local seminar, and have assiduously followed her teachings ever since.
Here is a brief summary of the book from the jacket cover:
“In Come as You Are, Emily Nagoski, PhD, revolutionized the way we think about women’s s*xuality. Now, in Come Together, Nagoski takes on a fundamentally misunderstood subject: s*x in long-term relationships.
“Most of us struggle at some point to maintain a s*xual connection with our partner/s or spouse. And many of us are given not-very-good advice on what to do about it. In this book, Nagoski dispels the myths we’ve been taught about s*x – for instance, the belief that s*xual satisfaction and desire are highest at the beginning of a relationship and that they inevitably decline the longer that relationship lasts. Nagoski assures us that’s not true.
“So, what is true? Come Together isn’t about how much we want s*x, or how often we’re having it; it’s about whether we like the s*x we’re having. Nagoski breaks down the obstacles that impede us from enjoying s*x – from stress and body image to relationship difficulties and gendered beliefs about how s*x “should” be – and presents the best ways to overcome them.”

SB: What inspired you to research and write this second book on s*xuality?
EN: I wrote this book because I needed to solve my own problem. Writing my first book, Come As You Are, was so stressful that it actually destroyed any interest in actually having any s*x with my spouse. I tried following my own advice, which is to make the most of responsive desire: You set a time, you put your body in the bed, you let your skin touch your partner’s skin… and for most people, most of the time, what happens is your body wakes up and goes, “Oh, right! I really like this! I really like this person!”
But what would happen for me is I would just cry and fall asleep.
I needed more advice than I gave in my own book. So I did what anyone would do – I went to Google Scholar and looked at the peer-reviewed research on couples who sustain strong s*xual connections over the long term. And what I found there contradicted the entire mainstream conversation about s*x in long-term relationships.
See, for a couple decades now there’s been a public debate about whether intimacy is the enemy of the erotic – that you need distance in order to keep the spark alive – or if intimacy is the key to the erotic – that you need closeness to keep the spark alive. And here’s the thing: In the research, the couples who sustain strong s*xual connections, the people who have extraordinary, optimal, magnificent s*x… do not talk about spark.
It turns out s*x in a long-term relationship is not about spontaneous desire. It is about having s*x you enjoy. I ended up naming it “the desire imperative,” this myth that desire is the center of the definition of s*xual wellbeing and if you don’t have lots of h***y s*xy craving for s*x then you don’t have anything worth having.
Replace ideas about desire with pleasure. Center pleasure – Do you like the s*x you’re having? What kind of s*x is worth not watching Parks & Recreation instead? – and all the other pieces will fall into place.

SB: What are some main messages/insights overall in this book?
EN: The three biggest messages I hope the reader takes from the book are:
1. Couples who sustain a strong s*xual connection over the long term have three things in common: (a) they are friends who admire and trust each other; (b) they prioritize s*x because they feel s*x contributes something important to their connection; and (c) they realize they’ve been following somebody else’s rules for who they’re supposed to be as a s*xual person and how they’re supposed to do a s*xual relationship, and decide to reject those rules and replace them with rules that make sense for who they truly are.
2. Pleasure is the measure of s*xual wellbeing. It is not how much you desire s*x, or how often you do it, or even how many or***ms you have; it is whether or not you like the s*x you’re having.
3. Urgency is the enemy of the erotic. When you want to co-create change with a partner, patience, compassion, kindness, confidence, joy, and curiosity will protect your connection so that you don’t accidentally do harm to the connection while you navigate change.

My March column will continue with this interview and provide more helpful information from this new, highly engaging and readable, book.