11/10/2022
💓 Someone put into words everything I’ve been working on for the past 5 years. I love my role as counselor, but I’ve also loved allowing what that means and how it shapes my identity shift.
Here for the healing, not to be trapped.
When our personalities and behaviors blossom from a trauma response we tend to get a survival strategy confused with identity. 
 
I’m the nice one. I don’t disappoint. I’m so impeccably at your service that you could never leave me. I’m stuck in fawn. 
 
Early on, I learned what to say, how to stand, how to nod, what tone of voice to use to soothe people so they wouldn’t hurt me AND to keep them needing me- and it worked. 
 
When we fawn we repress & oppress an honest expression with a dishonest one. 
 
My life was one big dishonest expression and wanting to be a therapist was part of it because I though it was my job to make people feel safe. 
 
I was at a hot coal walking ceremony with earlier this Summer. We were asked to say out loud what it was we were giving to the fire. 
 
I found myself saying “the need for you to like me & the burden that I have to be safe for you”. 
 
Bam. Up in flames. 
 
I wasn’t ready to talk about it until now, but being a therapist was me re-enacting the role I burdened myself with as a child. 
 
Holding space beyond my capacity. Creating a safe space where it’s private and just us. Keeping secrets. Doing the work for clients instead of just teaching them how.
 
Private practice is not a walk in the park. One body is holding space for dozens of bodies a week and it get can isolating and overwhelming.
 
And when it’s not part of your trauma imprint it’s a glorious service to provide. 
 
What I have learned through my courses and group works is that I thrive as the teacher, the guide, the facilitator. 
 
YOU are the therapist of your own body. I get to show up and give you what I know and you can take it or not. 
 
But I’m not responsible for holding that space for you anymore. 
 
This isn’t me walking away from my career - it’s a transformation from a root belief of “I’m responsible for you”. 
 
Now I’m centered in “I’m only responsible for me” and from that is flowing new ways of working with people, relating with my wife, and being a friend. 
 
There’s less guarantees that people will like me and need me but there’s more of a guarantee that I stay connected to myself regardless and that is my new priority.
