11/22/2025
The Deep Awfulness of “Go Regulate Yourself.”
Telling someone to “go regulate yourself” misses the point. 🙄
We regulate best with support, not alone. When someone’s upset or overwhelmed, they first need connection, not a task. 🎎
From an Interpersonal Neurobiology (IPNB) perspective, telling someone to “Go regulate yourself” sends a signal of separation instead of connection. That message can push the nervous system further into distress. ⚠️
When a person is anxious, shut down, panicked, or angry, their system is already struggling to feel safe. In that state, the brain is scanning for cues: “Am I safe? Am I alone? Is help available?” When the response is “go fix it yourself,” the nervous system often hears: "You’re alone. You’re too much. No one’s coming." 👎
That deepens the sense of threat. It can drive the system further into fight, flight, freeze, or collapse, making regulation even harder. The part of the brain that supports calm and connection becomes less available. 🧠
Co-regulation--feeling safe with another person--helps bring the system back into balance. It tells the body: “You’re not alone. You’re safe now. You can soften.” Then, self-regulation becomes possible again. 👩
So “Go regulate yourself” skips what makes regulation work: being seen, felt, and supported in a moment of distress. 😢
