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http://www.revmichaelheath.com/

Pine Ridge Pastoral Counseling Services, 504 E Fayette Street, Syracuse, NY (2025)

10/17/2025

INTIMATE CONVERSATIONS

Feeling loved and desired is a problem for many couples who have been together for a while. I frequently hear from a husband or wife who feels romantically stuck. Although things weren't bad in their relationship, they felt that the spark had gone out.

The good news is that, while it's common for romance and desire to fall into a rut, there are effective ways for couples to work their way out of it. The key is to learn how to talk to one another about what they are feeling. Intimate Communication | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

The problem is that talking about intimate feelings is difficult.

The Problem: Bad Habits.

For many folks, talking to one another is difficult because they have gotten out of the habit. While they talked a lot when they first fell in love, over the years, people get busy. Intentionally not setting limits for jobs, kids and other responsibilities results in there being no time for sharing.. Fortunately, one couples realize the need for creating time for each other, new habits can be created that will rekindle old passions.

Start with Simple Things.

I recently read an article that listed 15 questions that good wives ask their husbands. Women who are excellent wives constantly ask their husbands these 15 questions

In fact, this list of questions was not simply for wives; Husbands can talk with their spouses about them as well. Indeed, these simple and positive questions can help couples who have difficulty talking to one another about their feelings break the ice.

The key is to start slowly and think positively. While serious conversations about interpersonal problems can be difficult, they are doable. The key is for couples to understand that intimate communication is a process and not a single conversation,

With this understanding, couples realize that issues don't have to be resolved all at once. Over time, positive experiences with smaller items help couples gain the confidence to speak honestly. This success with small conversations builds the trust necessary for tackling more complicated issues successfully.

With some effort and repetition, however, couples can get the hang of it and learn to share their experience. With this in mind, let's look at some helpful conversation starters that can break the ice and begin the journey to better communication:

HELPFUL QUESTIONS TO ASK YOUR PARTNER
-- How was your day? / What was the best part of your day? / What was the hardest part of your day?

To begin, start off any conversation by checking with your mate if now is a good time for them to talk. If it is, start wth a non-threatening inquiry. Asking about your partner's day is a gentle way to show that you are thinking about and are interested in them. Depending on their responses, you can further ask about both positive and negative details.

-- Would you like to change something in our routine?

Another innocuous question to ask your partner is how they feel about their relationship's daily routines. Sometimes people get into ruts without realizing it. Worse, they often believe that they're trapped or that nothing can be done to change things up. It is amazing how just asking a question can change a point of view and reveal important and needed changes.

-- What do you like about our life together?

When possible, it is advisable to start a conversation with something positive. Taking the lead and expressing what you like about your relationship can encourage you to ask your partner what they like.

-- Do you feel valued by me?/ What small gestures make you feel loved? / What can I do to make you feel more loved?

Another good way to begin a conversation when you are both relaxed and in a good mood is to ask if your partner feels valued by you. No matter how they respond, it's helpful to ask what you do or could do that they like and/or would like you to do more often.

It is amazing how simple questions open an area of thought and feelings that are sometimes taken for granted or neglected.

-- What things do you worry about in general? / Is there anything specifically, now ?/ Is there anything I can help you with?

From more surface scheduling issues, conversations can delve deeper into more sensitive areas. Problems and worries are areas that are sometimes difficult to engage with your partner. Once you both are comfortable talking about your day,

Of course, counseling can be helpful for couples who are stuck, but simple conversations may have surprisingly good results. It is important to stress that not every couple needs professional help.

-- What dreams do you have for our future?

When folks feel stuck in a rut, it's also helpful to think about the future. It's important to imagine future goals. Accessing the positive parts of your life and relationship helps one to believe in a brighter future. Hope for the future gives one the courage to be vulnerable and share deep thoughts and feelings. Intimate sharing is the key to keeping love and passion alive. Intimate Communication | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

The Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. October 17, 2025

www.revmichaelheath.com

10/03/2025

WHY CHRISTIANITY IS EMBARRASSED BY SEX

Recently, a client contacted me to talk about the guilt and embarrassment he felt when talking to his wife about sex. Indeed, over the years, I’ve heard this concern many times. Not surprisingly, he came from a conservative Christian background.

While it is no secret that Christianity has had its problems with sex, many do not know that it was not always that way. Over the years, I’ve discovered that getting to know the history of how sex became an embarrassment helps explain the real source of the underlying conflict. Likewise, increased understanding reduces embarrassment and shame. So, let’s take a look.

A Brief History of the Early Church’s Views toward Sex

Jesus and Paul on Sex

Frankly, the New Testament doesn’t record Jesus talking about sex, nor does it say anything about his sex life. We do know that he had compassion and did not shame the woman caught in adultery (John 8:1-11).

Stepping back, Christianity’s problem with sex begins with Jesus’s and his early followers’ belief that the end of the world was near and that the Kingdom of God was at hand. (Mark 1:15) Paul believed that Jesus would return and bring in the new age within his own lifetime. (Thessalonians 4:15–17).

From this point of view, sex becomes unimportant. The Kingdom of God initiated by Jesus was a spiritual reality. In it, male and female distinctions and sex would no longer exist. (Gal. 3:28)

And here is an important fact that is often overlooked. Even in this Apocalyptic context, early Christians did not have a negative view of sex. They shared Jewish beliefs, which held that sex was fine within the bounds of marriage. Sex for early Christians was not a negative thing. The Origins of Christian Teachings on Human Sexuality – World History Encyclopedia

The Delay of the Parousia and the Crisis Over Sex
Christianity’s problem with sex stems from the fact that Jesus’ expected return did not happen. The delay of the Parousia, as it was called, would, over the next few centuries, create a major crisis for the faithful in many ways, including their views about sex.

For example, it is easy to forget that Jesus was Jewish and the Christian church did not exist during his lifetime or even in the years immediately after his death. What is referred to as the Early Church or Early Christianity was not an organized or uniform institution as we understand it today. It was a collection of believers who met in private homes to remember Jesus’ life, death and message of hope.

The church, as an institution, emerged over the first few centuries in the wake of Jesus’ failure to return. Its theology and doctrines, including those regarding sex, emerged over time from theological reflection and not the actual words of Jesus.

Why is Christianity embarrassed by sex? Because its very existence is a reminder that Christ has not returned.

Saint Augustine’s Guilt about Sex
The pivotal moment in the church’s evolution of a sexual doctrine came with the writings of the Bishop of Hippo, St. Augustine. Prior to his influence, the Early Church accepted sexuality. It even required its leaders to be married (1 Tim 3:2, Titus 6).

This all changed with Augustine. He was a man of extraordinary talent, but he was also plagued by guilt over his ribald life prior to his conversion to Christianity. His sexual excesses seem to have left him with a zealous rage against his former indulgences.

Ironically, his views regarding sex came to light as the church debated sacramental issues. Specifically, the question was whether infant baptism was necessary for the child’s salvation.

While some felt baptism unnecessary due to a newborn’s innocence, Austine objected. He argued that although an infant may not have sinned, they were not sinless since they had been contaminated in their conception. In one of the most absurd theological rationalizations, Augustine argued that the experience of pleasure (lust) during sex conferred the original sin of Adam and Eve onto the child (the fertilized egg),

The Impact of St. Augustin’s Views on Sex
It is no exaggeration to say that Augustine’s position radically changed Christianity’s stance on sex. Unlike Jewish and earlier Christian beliefs, Augustine’s unresolved guilt over his own sexual excesses was translated into harsh doctrines that would dominate the Christian church’s view of sex for centuries to come.

It’s not clear why his views were so attractive to the Early Church. That said, Augustine’s emphasis on sin and guilt provided a helpful distraction to Jesus’ absence.

Emotionally, the Church exploited sexual guilt and shame by declaring that naturally occurring erotic impulses and feelings were sinful. Christianity, Sex & Shame | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Comedian George Carlin observed the emotional dilemma Augustine created. Even though rationally, sex was redeemed through marriage, the sacrament could not completely erase the emotional shame and negativity connected to it. How the Church Makes People Terrified of Sex – RELEVANT

Due to Augustine’s influence, the doctrine of sexual purity was elevated. Institutionally, celibacy was required for priests and marriage was banned from the priesthood.

With this background in mind, it’s easy to understand why future generations have had trouble feeling good about sex.

Tips for Overcoming Shame and Guilt about Sex

Despite this complex history, Christians need to know that they don’t have to feel guilty about sex. It is acceptable to acknowledge that Augustine’s views may seem preposterous today. Whatever your past experience, it’s possible to shed the guilt and experience your sexuality in joyous ways.

Here are some tips to help:

-- Start by understanding, without judging yourself.
-- Identify the negative experiences that created negative associations about sex.
-- Learn about human biology and normal sexuality.
-- Distinguish normal curiosity and interest from obsessive behavior.

When there is a behavioral problem with sex:

-- Discover and address the underlying anxiety that you seek to escape through sex.
-- Focus on learning ways to control unwanted behavior.
-- Adjust unrealistic expectations you may have about sex.
-- If necessary, don’t be afraid to seek professional help.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. October 3, 2025

www.revmichaelheath.com

09/15/2025

TIPS TO COPE WITH DISTURBING NEWS.

The bombshell of Charlie Kirk’s assassination has exploded across the American political scene, creating a wide range of emotions and reactions. In light of the growing list of politically violent incidents, it is becoming increasingly difficult for folks to process such tragic events and remain calm. https://www.npr.org/2025/09/11/nx-s1-5537098/a-look-at-recent-acts-of-political-violence-in-the-u-s

Not wishing to comment on politics, I am concerned about the negative psychological impact these reports are having on people’s, including our leaders’, emotional stability.

This concern has been increased by the increased number of calls I’ve received from anxious folks troubled by the shocking details reported in the media. Many say that they feel overwhelmed by the bombardment of non-stop coverage.

One might think that, given the increased frequency of such events, we would have become less affected by them, but this does not seem to be the case. Kirk’s death is especially poignant, however, given that it happened the day before the twenty-fourth anniversary of the 9/11 attacks.

Back then, I wrote about how the chaos of 9/11 affected our spiritual mourning and the foundations of faith. (Syracuse Post Standard 10/1/2001) Today I want to look at the emotional impact of unexpected horror and offer some tips, based on new research, that can help those who are struggling with anxiety and panic.

What happens when we panic.

In the wake of shocking news, the animal part of our brain can put us into a fight or flight distress state. It releases stress hormones to prepare us to deal with an immediate threat. Unfortunately, this reaction can also slow or even block access to the rational part of our brain and thinking clearly becomes difficult.

In such situations, calming the panic is necessary to restore reasoning and rational responses. Without getting too technical, the deliberate use of cold water on the face activates the mammalian dive reflex, which can dramatically reduce panic and anxiety. https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC8667218/

While not magic, this technique is effective. When used with other stress management techniques, folks can reduce the intensity and shorten the length of anxiety attacks brought on by disturbing news. Here’s a summary of these techniques and how they work together:

1) Stress self-monitoring. Given the difficult nature of our times, it’s a good idea to develop the habit of paying attention to how stressed you are. Rather than waiting for an attack to boil over, learn the early warning signals of tension in your body. There are many articles available on the internet to help you learn where your area of stress is located. https://revmichaelheath.com/?s=copingressed .
2) Identify and Separate. When your body sounds the alarm that you are beginning to stress, stop whatever you are doing that is related to your upset. If you are talking with someone, take your leave or end the conversation. If you are watching or listening to something on your phone, computer, or television, stop.
3) Splash Water On Your Face Next, and here is where the splashing water comes in, go to a faucet and splash cold water on your face for 30 seconds to a minute. This physical intervention interrupts the panic cycle and allows you to hit the reset button.
4) Change your breathing. Anxious breathing is rapid, shallow and not fully exhaled. Calming breathing is slower, deeper and fully exhaled. There are various techniques you can use, such as “box breathing”. After splashing water on your face and changing your breathing, you will start to feel better, usually within ten minutes.
5) Non-demand neural activity. While you recover, meditate, listen to music, or take a relaxed walk. These activities will turn off the release of stress hormones and bring things back to normal.

While these tips won’t make the world a better place, they will at least help you to maintain a rational perspective in the midst of chaos and uncertainty.

Apart from these techniques, to prevent becoming overwhelmed, it’s also a good idea to limit your exposure to negative news reports. If the attacks persist, or if you have a history of anxiety and panic, it is a good idea to check with your doctor or therapist for more help.

Going forward, what can we do ?

To be clear, given the seriousness of our situation, we have to do more than just feel better. Beyond calming ourselves after the fact, our nation must make changes proactively to reduce the occurrence of senseless and tragic violence. Indeed, people of goodwill, including our leaders and influencers, must change the tone and language of their rhetoric.

In order to change the tone and language, people must literally learn to think before they speak or write. Unfiltered utterances not only corrupt the civility of political dialogue but they also desensitize us to its inappropriateness.

Basically, most offensive rhetoric stems from either the speaker's or blogger’s emotional dysregulation or their calculated ill intent. Sadly, there are folks who calmly and intentionally spread lies about vulnerable populations to instill fear, anger, and bigotry, often under the umbrella of religion.

It is important to remember that while the First Amendment protects free speech, even uncivil speech, we need to hold leaders and influencers to account for speaking irresponsibly.

The need for education.

Apart from dealing with the harmful speech, we need a broad-based public effort to educate. Frankly, techniques to soothe anxiety and stress are not just for those affected by horrific news. Leaders and podcasters need to employ such techniques proactively.

People who contribute to the public dialogue must learn a new sense of responsibility and understand the destructive power of their words. If people can learn to calm their emotions before speaking, we can reduce that incendiary rhetoric and the violence it foments.

Research shows that uncivilized speech has desensitized us to the horror of violence and contributed to its increase. How hateful rhetoric connects to real-world violence | Brookings

The challenges to reducing violence are immense, but we can not give up. Hopefully, the death of Charlie Kirk will become a symbol and historic moment when both left and right say together, "Enough", and restore civility to political discourse.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. Fayetteville 9/15/2025

www.revmichaelheath.com

09/10/2025

RETHINKING THE LANGUAGE OF MENTAL DISORDERS: From nuts and crazy to irrational and dysregulated.

Recently, a husband in a counseling session turned and asked me to tell his wife that she was crazy. In declining to do so, I asked if he could tell me what he was feeling when he made his request.

He responded by saying that he felt exasperated. Indeed, sometimes we hurl words like nuts or crazy when we are frustrated and don’t know what else to do. When we feel powerless, name-calling is sometimes the only thing we can think of to do. That’s because cutting remarks about the other person, although unkind, makes them appear smaller and makes us feel better.

Apart from the session, it got me thinking about his comment. In addition to being hurtful, it is a sign that, despite all that we have learned and despite all the progress that we have made, we still have a long way to go to get beyond the fear and stigma attached to mental health issues.

Part of the prejudice stems from ignorance and a gross misunderstanding of psychological disorders. This confusion has been and continues to be perpetuated, in part, by the common usage of antiquated and misleading terms such as “crazy” and “nuts”. Today, let’s explore the linguistic origins of these hurtful anachronisms and consider some better alternatives to use when discussing mental health issues.

How did the words crazy and nuts come to mean emotionally disordered ?
To begin, looking at the etymology of the words is helpful. Our understanding of the origins of the usage of those terms, crazy and nuts, to refer to the mentally ill is imprecise, but it is still illustrative.

The word crazy comes from the 16th century and meant something full of cracks, i.e., not whole or structurally solid. It commonly referred to someone who was ill. Gradually, the meaning of the term was narrowed to apply to people who exhibited emotional problems.

The slang use of the word nuts was derived from the common Old English usage, which referred to the head as a nut. Thus, it was common to describe an insane person as being “off one’s nut” or a “nutter”.

It is not a stretch to see how the words nut and cracked became associated with mental illness. These metaphors reveal an implicit assumption that mental illness was due to the loss of the structural integrity of the head, i.e., that it was cracked and had lost its structural integrity. The usage of cracked nuts over time was shortened to simply nuts.

It needs to be understood that mental illness was understood differently centuries ago. The subtleties of mood disorders were not understood. According to 16th-century thinking, a person was either sane or insane. The problem with these metaphors is the either-or dichotomy that they assume, i.e., that either a person’s mind is intact or is fractured.

Our modern understanding of psychology originally grew out of the 19th-century health/sickness medical model, which was binary, i.e., either the absence of a bacterium if one is well or the presence of a bacterium if one is sick. Study Reveals Shifting Language in Mental Health Over 79 Years – Neuroscience News

How neuroscience has changed the language of mental disorders.
In fact, our modern understanding of the brain has shown that the interaction of different parts of the brain determines a person’s mental health. What distinguishes mental disorders from mental health is not absolute or disjunctive. The two are not separate but are joined and lie on a continuum.

Mental health is conceptualized as thoughts and behavior that are rational and controlled by the person’s medial prefrontal cortex (MPFC). Mental illness is seen as irrational thoughts and behaviors driven by the instinctive, non-rational, anxiety-ridden parts of the brain’s limbic/amygdalae/autonomic nervous system..

Seen this way, it is understood that mental health and mental illness is not an absolute distinction and it is usually a matter of degree. Mentally healthy people are not perfectly rational and those folks with clinical diagnoses are not completely irrational.

Emotionally healthy people can be triggered into irrational feelings and reactions. The distinguishing feature that separates healthy from disordered is the frequency and degree of irrational eruptions.

Mental disorders are understood on the basis of functional impairment wherein limbic/amygdala-based impulses override the rational control of the cortex and, thus, result in dysfunctional outcomes.MENTAL HEALTH | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Understanding psychological disorders on a continuum removes the stigma.
The distinction between rational and irrational provides us with a better and more useful way to conceptualize and to talk about mental health issues, rather than the colloquialisms of crazy or nuts. Using terms such as irrational or limbic-based to refer to bizarre behaviors is more descriptive, less pejorative, and less insulting than employing the commonly used slang phrases.

Finally, updating and changing the words we use when talking about mental health issues is not simply an intellectual exercise. Being more careful and precise with the words we use when engaged in conflictual conversations can reap immediate and practical benefits.

Using descriptive words rather than name-calling is simply a more effective way to communicate because it is less inflammatory and less provocative. As such, using non-pejorative words will result in more constructive and more productive discussions.

Sometimes we get the impression that advanced medical science is a distant thing that is useful only for doctors. It is helpful to realize that advances in medical research can benefit you and me in our everyday lives and make getting along a little bit easier and a lot more understanding and considerate of one another.

Beyond consideration, descriptive language removes the stigma and thus a barrier to seeking help.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow AAPC 9 9 2025

www.revmichaelheath.com/

Photo by Rev. Michael Heath

08/17/2025

CALLING OUT ABUSIVE RELIGION

Usually, as a pastoral counselor, I demonstrate how mental health and religion go together. I help clients who identify as persons of faith by translating unfamiliar psychological concepts into the more familiar language of their religious tradition. My concern is to demonstrate that their religious beliefs and mental health are compatible. Pastoral Counseling ? | Pastoral Counseling Syracuse NY

Over the years, however, I’ve discovered a different aspect of pastoral counseling. I have discovered that a pastoral counselor is not just a cheerleader for religion. In fact, it is increasingly an obligation is to call out religious abuse.

For example, many folks who presented with what looked like depression or anxiety were. in fact, suffering from the consequences of an abusive religious upbringing, specifically, certain strains of Christianity. They what could be labeled religious PTSD.

Of late, it is clear that the word Christian conveys dramatically different meanings. Thus, one can’t assume that faith and psychology go together. For the most part, the individual beliefs themselves are not abusive, but, when exaggerated or taken in isolation or out of context, they can be.

Sometimes the abusiveness stems from the way some forms of Christianity interpret Jesus’ teaching. Worse, when religious tenets conflict with established science, they have the potential to be psychologically harmful. Abusive, unhealthy traditional Christianity, theology, and practice — Unadulterated Love

With this in mind, I want to call out and address specific religious teachings that not only inflict needless emotional pain but also cause psychological harm.

Common Signs of Religious Abuse
Along with depression and anxiety, caused by unrealistic demands and expectations that abusive religion imposes, here are some other telltale symptoms:

— Excessive guilt and shame, poor self-esteem.

–Neglected self-care.

— Anger and intolerance of diversity.

— Unquestioning obedience to religious authority. These are just a few of the beliefs that could be signs of religious abuse.

How religious teachings abuse ?
Many folks erroneously associate religious abuse with clergy sexual abuse of children. Sadly, even more abuse stems from harmful religious teachings.

It’s important to understand the precise nature of psychological abuse. It is more than insulting, offensive, disgusting or cruel. Google’s AI summary nails it:

” Abuse is when someone uses their behavior or influence over another person to cause harm or to exert power over them, especially when that behavior is repeated regularly. It can be hard for many of us to recognize abuse because it most often comes from someone we know and trust”.

People approach religious teachings with respect and trust and thus, in their vulnerable state, they are easily influenced and open to manipulation and abuse. Here are five religious concepts to watch out for and question to consider:

What is the fundamental image of God ?
The nature of God preached by Jesus is one of boundless love. However, the Bible also contains an Old Testament that often portrays God as angry and vengeful. Indeed, seeing God as wrathful creates fear and anxiety. The image of a fearful God correlates highly with abuse..

What is the essential understanding of human nature ?
The innate sinfulness of human beings, as depicted in the Garden of Eden story, is corrosive to positive self-esteem. It is one thing to acknowledge human fallibility but it is abusive to declare that our essential nature is evil and worthy of eternal damnation.

Rather than being sinful by nature, psychology understands human failings as the result of either neurological anomalies or the consequence of prior trauma.

Is self-care minimized ?
While loving one’s neighbor as one’s self is found in both the old and new , this commandment is often interpreted and hear as: Love your neighbor INSTEAD OF one’s self.. Abusive religion often denounces important self-care/ as selfish.

Many clients express surprise to hear that loving oneself is just as important as loving one’s neighbor. A psychologically healthy person keeps in balance the love of self and others. Abusive teachings concerning love are often out of balance.

What about Sex, Gender and Sex/Gender Diversity?
Abusive religion fears sex. As a result, traditional Christian teaching about sex is often harsh and hostile. Many clients report that they were taught that sex was dirty and sinful. Even normal sexual curiosity and desires are inherently bad. Ironically, the guilt caused by masturbation can create needless shame that leads to sexual problems within marriage .

Likewise, abusive religion contradicts medical science, especially in the areas of sexual diversity. For example, an interpretation of Gen 19’s condemnation of homosexuality is based on an inaccurate translation. Likewise, Jesus never condemned homosexuality. Bad theology, in turn, leads to not only psychological problems but social bigotry and cultural intolerance as well.

Nowhere is discrimination and inequality more blatant than in abusive religion’s attitudes about women and sexual diversity. Suggesting inferiority and demanding that women submit to their husbands and creates serious emotional conflicts for women. Impugning the legitimacy of a person’s sexual preference or gender identity is not only scientifically ignorant but also psychologically and socially harmful.

Questioning and Obedience to Authority ?
Finally, abusive religion’s emphasis on obedience to authority endangers vulnerable followers. Whether it’s abusive clergy or husbands, many Christians are taught not to question, challenge or disobey even if they are being exploited or harmed.

Indeed, the lack of self-examination and accountability for its errors exposes a religion’s abusiveness. As seen in the many sexual abuse scandals, some religions choose to cover up the abuse and protect the perpetrators rather than seek justice and defend the victims.

______________________________________________________

To review and sum up, healthy religion:

Healthy religion is optimistic because its view of God is loving and forgiving.
A healthy view of human nature is accepting and realistic. It understands that people have both strengths and weaknesses, but are not shameful or essentially sinful.
Non-abusive religion understands that love for others needs to be balanced with love and self-care.
Healthy religion does not fear sex, nor does it contradict science, or deny the reality/legitimacy of sexual diversity. It does not subordinate women.
Healthy religion is humble and dynamic. It is open to criticism and improvement.

Rev. Michael Heath, LMHC, Fellow A.A.P.C. 8 17 2025

www.revmichaelheath.com
315 380 1005

Pine Ridge Pastoral Counseling Services

10/17/2025

10/03/2025

09/15/2025

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08/17/2025

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