05/25/2025
Is your dad a real-life Homer Simpson—grunting, snacking on Twinkies and bon bons, and waiting for someone else to make life happen? My dad doesn’t just sit in front of the TV—he settles there, with a throat clear and a sigh that says, “Don’t ask me to do anything.” He talks about wanting to change, how he's "not as young as he used to be," but his actions never reflect transformation. Instead, food becomes the crutch, the comfort, the excuse. When things get hard or uncomfortable, he deflects with a grunt, or mumbles about how hard life is—then pops another bon bon in his mouth. Neuroscience tells us that habitual avoidance patterns like this create neural loops; our brains literally learn to cope by disengaging, especially when there's no accountability.
I regret coming home sometimes. I hoped that being here might shake something in him, inspire him to shift. But instead, I find myself angry—doing dishes, managing his mail, running errands—trying to earn his growth. It’s infuriating. I see now that I was hoping he’d wake up and break the same cycle his sister lived in—where she expected everyone else to do everything, always justifying why she couldn’t lift a finger. It’s a painful realization that love doesn’t always move people to change. Psychology defines enabling as protecting someone from the consequences of their choices, but when does love turn into a leash? Have you ever tried to fix someone who never asked to be changed?
