I wanted something more for my life.
I couldn’t shake the feeling that I was meant for something greater. No matter how hard I tried to convince myself that becoming a physician assistant (PA) was my genuine goal and purpose, the cognitive dissonance was to great to overcome - so I stuck to my truth.
Joining the rest of my family in the medical field seemed like the right thing to do. I was a high-achieving cm laude graduate with well-developed critical thinking skills and a former human anatomy teaching assistant who is fascinated with the human body. I’m a health and fitness enthusiast with a formal educational background in nutrition and my ultimate fulfillment comes from helping others. A career as a PA provided structure and financial stability, not to mention limited liability and ultimate flexibility for horizontal shifts between specialties. As a PA, I’d even have the option to work part-time which would allow me to pursue other passions on the side. Plus, my 2 sisters are both PAs and I liked the idea of just rounding out the trio...IT ALL MADE PERFECT SENSE—on paper.
I’d originally chosen to pursue my dietetics degree to become a registered dietitian who specialized in eating disorders.
Given my own early life and ongoing struggle with anorexia nervosa, I felt a sense of duty, obligation, and desire to pay it forward - that is, help others overcome the ‘resident evil’ that plagued their mind, body, and life. Then it hit me...
...no, like it LITERALLY hit me.
On Halloween of 2014, I was hit by a car. I was a 21-year-old college student at the time and thought I was going to die. This is the kind of stuff that happens to other people, not me. I just couldn’t make sense of it all. Why me? Why now?
Everyone kept telling me how “lucky” I was and all I could was how absurd they sounded. If I was “lucky”, I wouldn’t be in this situation. As everything began to sink in, I began to accept my body’s condition and reality came into clarity: I realized what everybody meant when they told me how “lucky” I was. Given the circumstances of this incredibly unfortunate situation, I was, in fact, very fortunate. I was not wearing a helmet yet suffered no head, brain, or spinal injuries; so again, I questioned “why me”, but not referring to the event as a massive burden or misfortune, but in genuine inquisition as to how I managed to emerge from this trauma without any irreparable damage. How and why did I survive this when others aren’t so lucky? It provoked deep analysis into this concept of luck but, more profoundly, the concept of reason.
In retrospect, some pieces of me did die that day, but I am better for it now and wouldn’t take it back for anything. Just as my eating disorder experience had, this event played a prominent role in shaping my character and molding my life, therefore facilitating my becoming of the person I am today. And, like the eating disorder, this accident was a turning point in my life - a pivotal event that changed my life trajectory.
I began my pursuit of the medical field after my extensive experience in the medical field as a patient as I wanted to, again, pay forward the healing, growth, and experiences I overcame. My life prior to the accident revolved around fitness, food, and fun: I was a cycle instructor supreme at my university and avid lifter/fitness enthusiast. Going from that life of movement, freedom, and ignorant bliss to one in which I was bedridden, dependent, and demoralized was the ultimate trial of my life, but who I became in the process is what I now consider was the reason for it all happening.
Fast forward to the time around my college graduation: PA school here I come. I filled out my applications, sent in my rec letters, and continued to earn my patient care hours - but I began to realize that I was just going through the motions. Each day, patients brought in laundry lists of medications - most of which they weren’t aware the purpose. I observed the minuscule time spent with each patient and the standard practice of patching band-aids on bullet wounds. The entire system grossly overlooked prevention and management via lifestyle interventions and landed right on the prescription pad. This isn’t what I wanted, was it?
I have nothing but respect for healthcare professionals (I come from a family of them) and I sincerely believe in the role of pharmaceuticals healthcare, but I began to question what it is that I personally wanted to do; my true desires; how I envisioned my life. “Too bad. This is what I’m doing. This is what I’ve decided.” I made a grand effort to suppress these internal objections to my original life blueprint, but the uproar just grew louder and louder until I just could no longer tune it out. I secretly began nurturing the passion which pulled me - secretly because this kind of thing wouldn’t just rock the boat in my family, but capsize the damn thing. Mostly through podcasts, I became a self-development ju**ie on a quest to adopt a growth mindset and carve my path. I was determined to find and pursue career which aligned with my interests, passion, and values. I wanted to build a career into the life I wanted rather than paint my life around a career.
I like to think of life as a pinball machine - you are the ball that gets slammed and smacked and slapped all over the damn playing field, but somehow, after a good beating, you find your way into the little hole thingy at the top - you end up where you’re meant to be.
It’s been a rocky road, but here I am. I understand that my life panned out the way it has to equip me with the education, experience, and tools to help YOU. And I know that my pinball has been smacked around a lot, but all to land me right here, right now - to reach YOU as you’re reading this.
I know why I’m here. Now I need to know...