11/26/2024
One of my friends recently posted this parent’s article and it was so on point that I had to share. Kids are seeking validation that they are worthy, important, sometimes even loved, more so from their accomplishments than from the qualities and characteristics that make them uniquely terrific people just because they are, not because they achieve. This has been an issue I have seen in my practice and stems, in large part, from the parents’ own anxieties and sometimes even in their efforts to validate themselves in the eyes of others or their own parents. I encourage us all to step back and reevaluate.
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Parents, can I ask a favor? Can we stop pushing the goalposts back for our kids? Can we stop changing the definition of what success looks like? Can we stop competing with each other for whose kid scores the highest, gets recruited by what team, and wins what award?
I get it. I get sucked in, too. I worry about my teenagers surviving in this cut-throat, competitive world. Sometimes I panic about them being left behind, not as prepared, passed over.
But I noticed something recently. When success is only defined as getting on the best team or achieving the highest grade, the opportunity to feel successful is limited.
And when you feel like your opportunities for your kids are limited, you start making crazy decisions that have a big impact on your family. You give up your time, your money, your compassion, your sanity.
You see it on the sidelines of youth sports, where the tension is palpable, and parents treat each game like a world championship.
You see it in classrooms when a B is seen as a failure.
You see it during the college admissions process, as parents will do nearly anything to get their child into a brag-worthy school.
You see it on social media with carefully curated posts highlighting snippets of a kid's journey.
Find a good trainer or tutor? Keep it to yourself because you don't want anyone else to succeed more than your son or daughter. Think you can give your child an edge by driving an hour away for a club team? Will do it. Teen didn't get the grade they needed? Parent calls to negotiate or complain.
This quest for perfection, for over-achievement, for over-scheduling, and over-activitying your child in order to keep up is stressing even the most capable kids out. There is a reason why college is often feeling easier to some kids than high school.
Why are we overly invested in our children's performance? Why do we value results over experience? Why do we judge our parenting based on their achievements as opposed to their actions?
I get it. I have to fight these feelings off myself. I have to be reminded what my child achieves has nothing to do with who I am as a person, and isn't who they are either.
Teens need to be motivated to find their passions instead of being motivated by minimizing their parents' worries or stress. They need to figure out what inspires them. They need to fail. They need to learn life lessons.
We have become addicted to parenting validation. Like a ju**ie, many moms and dads are obsessed with engineering every aspect of our kids' lives in order to curate an unsustainable image. The need for affirmation causes us to make irrational decisions and set standards for our kids that can only be achieved by an elite few.
We need to stop performance-based parenting. We need to stop micromanaging their lives. We need to stop acting on fear and anxiety of the unknown.
I get it. I'm in that stage of life where I'm trying to set my kids up for the rest of theirs. We're about to launch into college tours and SAT prep and the "build-your-resume-up-so-you-look-awesome" phase.
And when you try to take a step back and find some balance, the rest of the world does not make it easy. Sometimes you have to negotiate with your school to keep your kid in grade-level classes instead of honors or AP. You have to decide how far you want to drive for your kid to be on the "best" club team. You may hear that your kid shouldn't try out for a sport because at 13, she was too old to learn it.
I have to remind myself over and over that my kid will get into a college even if she struggles at math--if she even wants to go to college at all. I have to remind myself that sports are about building confidence and physical activity. I have to remind myself to make choices based on what's best for my family, not on what anyone else deems necessary or important.
And I needed to redefine what success looked like for my kids.
You might need to do that too.
Our kids' mental health--and their lives--are depending on it.
There is more than one path to success in this life. Take the one that works for your family.
Start parenting the kid in front of you, not the one you want them to be.
Whitney Fleming Writes
