11/03/2020
How To Handle Yourself Through Difficult Times
First I will share that I have had many of them.
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My mother threw my father out when I was in first grade and life with her was so traumatic for me that in the second grade I ran away from home. I left in the middle of the night in my Easter dress and I left my little sister behind. I slept on the floor outside my father’s apartment because he didn’t hear me knocking. He learned his mother had had a heart attack and was departing for Middletown, Connecticut from Towson, Maryland, only to find me sleeping on the floor outside his residence. I went to Connecticut with him, to learn later that my mother had had him arrested for taking me across state lines.
At age 15, I discovered my mother was a drug addict. She stole prescription pads and wrote herself prescriptions for barbiturates. I was the only one in the family who knew and told my dad and grandmother. My grandmother hated me for this. She felt I'd betrayed her daughter, my mother.
At age 16, to get away from my mother yet again, I ran away from home. I went to my maternal grandmother's home, waited for her to come home from work and begged her to let me stay. She did. That summer (and the next 2) my dad let me, actually encouraged me, to go to Ocean City so to get out out the house and away from my mom.
At age 21, my dad in my heart, who was actually my stepdad, a man “we married” when I was in the second grade passed away from colon cancer. He was my savior. His death was crushing for me.
When I was 34, my 30-year-old sister took her life with a gun.
At age 40, my failing marriage finally ended in an extraordinarily bitter and prolonged divorce.
At age 66, after a life of health, I was diagnosed with aggressive stage III muscle invasive bladder cancer. A tumor, 5.5 cm x 5.5 cm, was found in the upper left portion of my bladder. Every month for the next 6 my condition worsened. The cancer metastasized to a potential spot on my right lower pelvic bone, a small spot on my left lung, and to my va**na and uterus to the point that there was no delineation between the organs.
On December 20, also at age 66, 7 days prior to my first TUTBT (something like a D & C for the bladder), my precious eight-year-old kitty cat, who 2 days prior tested negative in x-ray and blood work, suddenly died.
Beginning December 27, I had 4 surgeries, 3 ER visits, 4 hospital stays of 3, 3, 5 and 12 days, 23 days total, until finally in September, 2020 no hospital visit at all.
During the hospital stay in August, 2020 every day for a week and a half I got worse. I had a 103.7° fever, couldn’t breathe for several days and was on oxygen and spent more than two days delirious. I was afraid I was going to die and for four days my family feared the same. The pain was excruciating. Twice the lead doctor on my team told me they were very worried about me because they didn’t know what was wrong and every test I had, which were many, resulted in negative. The cause of my illness was never determined.
And during the last 3 of those hospital stays, due to COVID-19, I was not allowed any visitors.
Those are the big things.
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Trying to cope with such experiences and prevail and thrive can be quite a challenge. Fortunately through my life I have had many teachers who helped me.
I knew it was wiser and better have a positive outlook as opposed to dwelling on the misery that was actually right in front of me. And so I adopted an attitude, one in which I caused myself to find joy in everything as opposed to the sorrow.
Discount the negative, put it aside.
Even something as basic as looking outside on a dreary rainy day and choosing to see it as a blessing as opposed to dark and gloomy - mastering this alone can be a gift to sanity and state of well-being.
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The Process
It’s important to stay present as much as possible. It’s important to focus on what is in front of us and not let our minds wander to other things.
In times of anguish and turmoil I find that dissecting the problem, separating the details is the fastest and easiest way to help me find comfort.
Compartmentalize the cause of the stress.
Focus on each element individually.
In each element or aspect of the stressor find something, anything, about it that has a pleasant aspect to it.
Then focus on that pleasant aspect and build upon it. Build upon it until feeling boosted or lifted away from the pain. Hold on to that boost and when able, develop the next element.
When something causes emotional pain or discomfort do not minimize it, embrace it. Let yourself, encourage yourself to feel the feelings. Talk with someone if you can. Once you have talked about what is causing your pain, then try to go beyond it.
Thank the pain for showing itself to you for it is a tool.
Often fear causes pain. It is equally important to face that fear, embrace it and thank it as well. Talk, talk to someone who will listen, a paid professional, a trusted friend, someone who will help you embrace the depth of your feelings and not run from them.
On every occurrence of pain, sadness and depression feel those feelings, honor them. Then immediately replace those feelings with something, anything that lets you smile, helps you laugh, helps you feel comfort. Give yourself space from the pain and anguish.
Do not suppress or deny your feelings. Feel them, experience them, then move on.
Trust intuition. If unsure, trust what you initially feel, do not second-guess. Believe in yourself and believe in what you need to find happiness. Trust the first thought that comes to you. Love yourself completely at all times. Own it. Own what you need to feel satisfaction and joy and act upon it.
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I remember when my sister died. The misery was horrendous. I was profoundly angry and when no one was home I would scream and rage. The intense pain lingered for four years. A couple years later I found a very talented psychologist, Marc Bruce Lipton (In Pikesville, still practicing virtually) who helped me, taught me to address my frustration and anguish. He gave me tools, many of which I share here. The pain didn’t go away, I got used to it. And as horrible as it was, it caused all my other life pain and anguish to fester. It was able to rise to the surface so I could address it and work through it.
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One February morning two months before turning age 50, I suddenly realized I was happy. It was a surprise to me to notice that. Previously the only happiness I knew was parenting my son and he brought me great joy. With everything else, I was like a machine. I did all the things I was supposed to do and did them fully and completely. I was numb. I remember the song, Girls Just Want To Have Fun, and wondering what that even meant.
On that day I realized that no one could take away my happiness. Nothing could take away my happiness. Yes, I would have anguish, anger, frustration and challenge and yet those things would be brief momentary blips and they would not interfere with the happiness in my life.
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Today I look outside on what began as a cloudy foggy day and I feel happy. Sure my bladder causes me discomfort and sure my hair had gotten very thin however, I have many friends who love me and many strangers who send me very loving and kind messages of support. I feel fulfilled and I choose to feel fulfilled.
I do not let the external environment control my happiness. My happiness comes from my mind.
And today I get to dance around a little bit, I practiced some sautés. I’ll assemble a table for a piano keyboard that I purchased for my grandchildren. I’ll hang upside down for a bit to decompress my spine. I’ll spend some time on one of my reformers. I ordered jumbo lump crab cakes and crab imperial for a family celebration tomorrow. I will have a long fun phone conversation with a former student of mine years who moved to Texas a few years ago. I will enjoy every moment. This is my choice.
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In closing, I hope these thoughts provide uplifting guidance comfort and support and a way to address things that are upsetting and to dismiss them. Do not let sources of frustration own you.
Like yourself all the time. Love yourself all the time. if you do not like something then change it one piece at a time. The effects are progressive and cumulative. I promise the rewards will be uplifting.
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My blessings to you all!
By Wallis Massengale Mason
10/22/20
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