09/25/2023
Last week my youngest son left to the marines boot camp.
Jacob asked me a question the night before he left. He said mom I know I can be impulsive sometimes . Do you feel like I was impulsive with this decision? As my mom heart was breaking more than he will ever imagine or know, I took a deep breath in. I said son, you’ve dreamt about this moment from such a young age. You tested a couple of times and waited long periods of time in between. You studied, tutored, trained and
prepared. You never not once gave up or gave in on your dream. That is the opposite of impulsive. You decided, you acted on it and committed. I said the fact that you’re asking me this question tells me two things, you’re nervous and you’re asking mature questions. “You’re ready Son whatever that may look like from here”.
There was so much honor in the question he asked me. Hours before leaving he still valued my opinion and needed reassurance. It was my honor to give that to him as I knew that who I am to him Will change. He is stepping into becoming a man, a leader and a disciplined individual who may not need my advice in the same ways as he has as a young man and child.
This last week, I’ve been in a very unfamiliar and uncomfortable place as a mom . Although, the pride I carry of him my heart grieves the fact that he’s now becoming a man and no longer my little boy. That he will not live at home for several years or maybe never again.
That I can’t text or call him and hear his voice or walk into the house and be greeted with a hug and a “how was your day ma”? . That maybe he won’t need me in the ways he has for the last 21 years? That he is learning life skills and habits that he needs, that are healthy and that will carry him far in life. That he is sacrificing his own life to protect ours. I’m trying to comprehend it all.
It occurred to me that I was grieving the what was, the last 21 years of loving, molding, creating and now releasing. My body, my heart and mind were trying to find the life long connections that it had made with my son and it couldn’t. Not in The same familiar ways.
I had an appointment scheduled for pelvic floor therapy a few days after Jacob had left. I contemplated canceling several times. Instead I listened to my intuition and kept the appointment. Something happened in my session. My heart and body connected and allowed the tears and the grief to be felt. To allow what I’m experiencing is real and it is painful. Beyond that, the Dr. guided me back to the time when I carried Jacob in my womb and delivered him into this world. The connections and bond we made are strong,. The strength that it took for my body to deliver him. The courage for him to follow my lead as he has many times since his birth. She gave me permission to use that bond, that strength, that energy to connect with him no matter where he is in the world and pass on my energy of hope, strength, courage and love that he needs more than anything right now. And above all of that to trust that he is capable and ready to do what is the next step in his life. To become his own person and fulfill his purpose.
I’m not the only parent experiencing this, I know. But, it is my first time experiencing this. I’m beyond proud and know that as a mom I have the power that can always reach him. The power of love and energy and the force of instilling in my children that they can absolutely achieve anything they set their minds to. That they need to travel and experience life and learn hard things. That this small town can’t be the final destination and if it is that’s ok too! That my fear of the change can not be louder than my faith in him and what he is capable of achieving. And that I can transmute my pain into connection.
This journey although unfamiliar, I welcome. It is teaching me to close out this beautiful chapter and welcome a new chapter of parenting from this position. To love them in new ways and guide them as adults. All of this was taught to me by my son choosing to follow his dreams. I’m eternally grateful.
Somatic therapy is literally saving my life. I don’t know where I would be if I didn’t have these tools to move energy and awareness through. The power of your life’s force is within you. If you’re feeling pain explore it. Thank it. Allow it to unfold so you can process it and turn a few pages. If you’re feeling joy, thank it and receive it. If you’re feeling anger, thank it and release it. There are messages and truths waiting for all of us.
Please keep my Son in your prayers that he completes this journey with safety, insight and strength.
Namaste
