10/23/2025
I remember talking a few years ago with friends about the types of attributes we’ve seen people list on dating apps in regard to what they’re looking for in future partners, and a few of us had seen, “has a good relationship with their family” listed as a green flag.
It made me sad to read. I get what they’re trying to say, and sure, ideally it’d be great if someone came from a family they got along with.
But no one gets to choose what family they’re born into.
No one gets to choose whether or not they’ll have parents who can see, love, and hold space for them.
No one gets to choose whether or not they have to be the cycle breaker who has to begin healing decades of intergenerational family trauma if they want to be in future healthy relationships.
(AND no family is perfect. There are many families that seem to get along on the surface, but sweep all of their feelings and issues under the rug, and it can be hard to see from the outset.)
No one wants to walk away from the people who are supposed to love them unconditionally. I promise you, it’s never a decision that’s made lightly.
But sometimes we have to put space between us and the relationships where we don’t feel like we get to safely be ourselves. We have to do this to learn how to soften, to feel safe in our bodies; to find ourselves and start learning how to relate in new ways that support healthier habits, relationships, and our own deeper growth.
Some people who have strained relationships with their families will have done no work on themselves,
while others will have learned not to take good connections for granted and will be some of the most intentional and trustworthy people you will ever be lucky enough to have in your life.
Don’t judge people or yourself by their/your relationship to family.
It’s always complicated.
Sometimes walking away is the healthiest possible thing someone can do for themself and their relationships.
Sometimes it’s not.
But it’s never something you can really understand without knowing a person.