09/01/2022
When it comes to the way we relate to others, our attachment style plays a big part in the way we respond. A securely attached person will operate within their window of tolerance. Someone with an anxious attachment will operate from above the window of tolerance, and those with an avoidant attachment will operate from below their window of tolerance.
If you grew up in an environment with parents and caretakers helped you find, and stay in, your window of tolerance enough of the time, you naturally know how to do this. Most of the time your nervous system will regulate itself without you having to think much about it.
If, on the other hand, you grew up in an environment with less emotional support than what is ideal, you probably have a hard time with this. If you’re an anxious or disorganized attached partner, you probably find yourself going above your window, especially during relationship stress, and having a hard time finding your way back down. If you’re an avoidant attached partner, you probably find yourself going below your window during relationship stress.
For avoidant attached partners, the work is to learn to get back up and to re-engage……to find access to the emotions which are there, but are out of awareness, so that you become a more balanced individual and learn how to emotionally engage with your partner.
For anxious and disorganized attached partners the work is about learning how to come down into regulation, so that you are less likely to show up in your relationship with panic and all the behaviors the panic inspires, more likely to show up from a place of groundedness, and feel better in your own skin.
How do we do this? There are many different tools out there. I like Somatic Experiencing Therapy because this type of therapy is designed to help people access their feelings and feel them in a way which is more comfortable and manageable. You can find an SE therapist at traumahealing.org
You can also read The Body Keeps the Score by van der Kolk. Since there are so many resources out there, it would be helpful if some of you can put in comments what has helped you learn to better access your feelings, manage your feelings, and learn how to find your window of tolerance. ❤️
