Kelley Donovan, LCSW

07/02/2025

Why do we hurt the ones we love? In every relationship, couples get stuck in a painful cycle—one withdraws, the other pursues, and both end up feeling misunderstood and alone. But what if those frustrating moves aren’t about not caring… but actually about trying to protect the relationship? In my latest post, I share how Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy helps us see the positive intention behind the painful behaviors—and how that simple reframe can change everything. If you’ve ever wondered why the same fight keeps happening—or why your partner reacts the way they do—this one’s for you.

What if the most frustrating thing your partner does… is actually their way of protecting your connection?

06/30/2025

Are You Fighting to Win… or to Stay Together?
Every couple argues—but not every couple knows how to fight well. The problem isn’t that you fight; it’s how. What if the enemy wasn’t each other, but the pattern you’re stuck in? In this post, I’ll show you how to shift from fighting against your partner to fighting for your relationship—through simple changes in mindset, language, and teamwork. It’s not always easy, but it’s absolutely worth it.

Let’s be honest—every couple fights.

06/27/2025

https://dearcouples.substack.com/?r=5y87nu&utm_campaign=pub-share-checklist

Reflections, guidance, and honesty from a couples therapist. Whether you're navigating communication struggles, emotional distance, fights, or impasses, these are the things I wish all couples knew. Click to read Dear Couples, a Substack publication. Launched 32 minutes ago.

05/30/2025

04/02/2025

https://www.gottman.com/blog/managing-conflict-solvable-vs-perpetual-problems/

When thinking about conflict in a relationship, it is important to understand the difference between a solvable problem, a perpetual problem, and a gridlocked perpetual problem.

09/15/2024

In a relationship, health can’t happen when partners aren’t able to self-validate; but closeness can’t happen when they aren’t able to validate each other. People who can self-validate are better at validating others and taking in validation from others. People who receive validation from others are better at self-validation. It all works together….a both/and, not an either/or.

Self emotional validation sounds like “my discomfort makes sense. It feels bad to be criticized and to never know when the next one is coming my way. Yes, there might be some truth to the criticism and I can take a look at that when I’m in a better spot. But for now, the feeling in my body saying ‘this isn’t right. This isn’t how I want communication to be’ has wisdom in it, and I need to pay attention to that.” Self invalidation sounds like “I shouldn’t let it get to me. Why am I so sensitive?”

Validation from your partner sounds like “I get why it feels bad for you when you get more criticisms than positive feedback. Of course you feel unseen and upset about it. Nobody likes that. I’m sorry for my part in that.” Invalidation sounds like “If you take it as a criticism, that’s on you. I’m not responsible for the way you take things.”