Religious Women and Abuse, an experience. The psychology of a Narcissist

05/20/2025

Part 53

Again, I called my supervisor from Hospice, where I worked as a chaplain, and explained what was happening in my life at that time. Once again, she was supportive.

I was taking psychology classes at Southern California Seminary back then, but due to my personal problems, I had taken a summer break. From that voice I had heard that morning at the hotel, I understood that my next phone call should be to the seminary. It was a Friday, the start of the Fourth of July weekend.

I called in the morning, between patient visits, and left a message for the dean’s secretary, who was my friend, Dianna. I also left a message for the financial officer, Angela, but no one answered. The message was short but specific: “My husband got me out of the house with a TRO. I have nowhere to go for at least six weeks. Is there room in the seminary dorms for me?”

My only mental respite was caring for the spiritual needs of my dying patients, so I worked and worked as if Christ were coming that very day. By 4:00 p.m., no one had returned my calls, so I went to the seminary in El Cajon, CA. The place was deserted, and I found only one person in an office. I asked her what was happening, and she explained that no one was working because of the Fourth of July weekend. She must have noticed my panic when I asked her to call the dean and ask if there was a room I could use for a while. A little while later, my friend Angela called and asked me to come—Dianna had prepared a room for me!

I thanked them. I thanked God. I cried with both gratitude and shame. My mind tortured me with accusations—for in my pride and self-righteousness, I had never imagined that something like this could happen to good people. And certainly not to me.

When I entered the dormitory building, I was welcomed with hugs, words of support, and prayers.

The room was small. It had a single bed, a mini-fridge, and a microwave. It also had a closet and a small bathroom with a shower.
I was safe from my ex, but not from myself.

I'm a petite woman, and in those six weeks, I went from a size 4 to a size 0—the same weight I had been in college before I had children.

12/05/2024

Part 52

I kissed my Shiba Inu dog 'good bye for now' and left. According to the Temporary Restraining Order I would come back to my apartment after 6 weeks.

It was late, and I made a few phone calls.
I was embarrassed thinking how having a TRO against me must look in the sight of others.

At that time of my life I discovered how many of my actions had been driven by pride and not necessarily by humility. Too proud to admit that I was in an abusive marriage! Too proud to be alone and be one more divorced woman! Divorced felt in my heart too much like unwanted, unloved, and maybe even a failure!

The ones that were my friends offered the couch, or the sofa...I needed to be realistic, I needed a place for 6 weeks!

It was a Thursday, and the 4th of July weekend. So, trying to think of a place to go and crying unconsolably, I parked in a road of Hillcrest near my workplace I thought of going inside and sleep in a closet where we kept toys and blankets for the pediatric patients. But I would have to tell the security guard, who would probably feel sorry for me.

I, again, found myself in Hotel Circle and found the best price for a night. I emptied the few belongings I could grab at home from my car into the hotel room. I knew that I could not stay there for the whole weekend for the prices were going up for the 4th celebratios.

Inside the room I prayed, and cried, and thought, and talked to my sister again. Just as I did in April, I explained to her what was happening this time. I could hear the anger in her voice; her desire to save me, and her sense of powerlessness.

I tried reading the Psalms, which I do when I cannot pray, but nothing made sense. The TRO was such a bunch of lies!

I thought of my 13 year old son, who for a while now knew that my ex was trying to separate us. What a disappointment! My baby boy!

I was angry about my ex husband's stunt just to get me out of the apartment and separated from my son, but I was not surprised. I knew now that his evil character had no limits. But my son, the the love of my life. The feeling that I had about my son was different. Such a big sense of disillusion and loss!

I thought it had to be a mistake and made an appointment to see the judge on the coming Monday. I wanted to explain, to clarify, to tell him why the previous judge had left my son in my house with me. I wanted him to give me back my son!

I could not sleep! I didn't know where to go for the next night. In the morning when I woke up I heard a loud thought in my head tell me, "the seminary, go to the seminary". I was in awe of the message and thought that was a great option.

09/25/2024

https://youtube.com/shorts/59hl3PPV3ww?si=mJTA6OqqaCMIWGNc

09/06/2024

The last message I posted while trying to reach my son (14 years after the day described in part 51)

There's a moment when the tears stop because you realize that life has turned different for you, as a mother, than you ever thought it would.
He's gone, and even though you look to excuse him; he was young, he didn't know... Now he's a grown up, a man, and life only changes if we want to change it.
It doesn't matter where we go, we always find the same person everywhere, ourselves.
We need to take a look and see who we are, and choose the path we can live with for the rest of our lives.
One day we'll be alone. The time we wasted doesn't come back. The people we abandoned will also die, and then...we will still be there facing ourselves with an empty journal in hand.
And the question hunts me every day, as a mother, what was my sin? I stayed too long, I trusted, I didn't believe it could happen to me. Well, it did!

09/03/2024

Part 51
On the 1st of July of 2010...

I had told my 13 year old son on the night of June the 30th that I was going to go to work the next morning. My first Hospice patient visit (as a chaplain) was going to take me to Fallbrook, CA, so I needed to leave early in the morning to meet with the nurse and the social worker. Our apartment was in San Diego. I explained to him that the 20 year old neighbor was going to come at 11 am to cook for him and accompany him for a while until I came back from work. Everything was clear, so I thought.

I called my son a little before 11 am to make sure that he was awake and dressed up before the neighbor arrived. When he answered he said that he was already awake and dressed. That alone was a surprise to me.

About half an hour later my neighbor's mother called me to tell me that my ex-husband was in the apartment with our son. Of course, I panicked because my ex was supposed to stay away from my place of residence.

I tried calling my son, but he would not answer, he had turned his phone off.

Then, I called the police. They told me to come back home and they would meet me there.

My neighbor's mom called me again to tell me that my son and ex-husband had left the apartment together. I called the police again, as I started driving back down to San Diego, and told them that my son had left my apartment with my ex without my permission and on a day that was not a visiting day. Again, the police asked me to drive home and call them when I arrived. That hour and half I drove it in a state of total confusion and disbelief. Trying to understand why my son had agreed to leave with him without permission. My heart was pounding so hard that I thought I was going to suffer a heart attack.

When I finally made it home, shaking and not knowing what to expect I called the police again and told them that I was home.

In about 10 minutes the police arrived yelling at me to open the gate, put my dog away, and come and sit down on the sofa. I did so, explaining once again that my ex had taken my son...

They showed me a Temporary Restraining Order that said that my ex was claiming that I had tried to run over my son and my ex-husband over with my car on Father's Day.

I told them that was a lie, but the police asked me to pick up whatever I could in 15 minutes because I needed to leave the apartment.

Again, I tried to explain that I was the person who paid for the apartment which was under my name only. They said that the apartment is for the child and whichever parent had him. The TRO gave my son to his dad without visitations from me until our case was seen in court. The court date had been set for 6 weeks away.

I could not believe what was happening! I felt as if my heart had stopped! I did not cry, I was in shock! I had already seen how cold and heartless my ex was, but I wondered how my son could participate in this?

I took what I could and left, not knowing where I was going.

07/15/2024

Part 50

Three peaceful months alone with my son! Yet, everytime he had a visit with my ex something grew sad inside of him.

He asked me why couldn't he stay some nights with his dad. I explained that both the court and I thought that once he spent a night or two with his father, he would make him stay and not let him come back with me.

My son used to tell me that him and his dad mostly went to eat and then to Dave and Buster's to play video games in the days they spent together.

On Father's Day of 2010 my ex asked me for more time with our son so they could celebrate the day. I said "yes". We agreed that they would be together for 8 hours.

When the 8 hours were done my son was not coming back...nine hours had gone by and all kinds of scenarios were going through my head.

I called the police, they recommended to give them a little while just in case. I did give them a little longer and then I remembered Dave and Buster's.

When I got there, my ex was driving out of the parking lot with my son. I parked parallel to him and told my ex to let our son come to my car, but my ex drove off like a maniac. I was confused and worried. I could not catch up to him and drove back home hoping they would not get into an accident.

When my son got home I was there. I opened the door and asked him for his phone. When he gave it to me I broke it (it was a flip phone). I told him that I got him a phone so I could be in touch with him, but if he didn't answer when I called, then he didn't need it. My son was very upset with me.

I explained how scared I was not knowing if he was ok, or if he was off the USA somewhere.

That night he was nervous saying Dad is not going to know if I'm ok because I don't have my phone. I told him that his dad could call me if he was so concerned.

On the next day, I got him a new phone and repeated that the phone was for him and I to keep in touch and to know that he was safe.

07/08/2024

03/19/2024

Part 49

The day to go to family court came, May 10th 2010.

My son had been with me for 3 months. He was calm, communicative, and even though he missed his father, he had a safety and kindness with me that he could not have with his father.

My ex-husband had sense of humor, but behind it there was a cruel sarcasm that sooner or later ended up manifesting in envy or jealousy of some kind toward others.

For some of those reasons my ex was usually in trouble, financially, with sporadic jobs, and with just the friends that he needed or serve a purpose to him at a particular time. Nothing was permanent or lasting in his life.

My sister was with me in court, for moral support.

My ex had hired a lawyer with money he got from a fraternity of pastors. His lawyer had summoned our son to come to court, but I found out that children are not allowed in family court in San Diego, CA. So, I did not bring him.

The female judge had read letters that my ex brought from a few pastors from his past. One of them did not say much about me, but he said that that particular pastor would trust my ex with his own children. The other letter was from a deacon whom I had called when my ex-husband had called the police on me after recording himself screaming and saying that I was hitting him. The deacon said that I had call him in the middle of the night hysterical. The third pastor was the one I mentioned before, in another part of the story. The one from New Mexico, a lone "Abbot" of a make-up monastery, that visited us in Florida very sick, without letting me know that he was coming. The same pastor that I told about my ex's abuse (in front of my ex) and the pastor said that he did not believe me because I didn't have the characteristics of an abused woman. This pastor said that my relationship with our son was "too close", that he, as a PhD in Psychology graduate worried about what that close relationship with me could cause to my son later in life. This pastor used to call my ex at all times of day and night and they would talk and laugh for hours like girlfriends!

The female judge said that she had read all of our letters, for I brought letters from current supervisors and coworkers talking about my character. The judge looked at me and said that she was very worried about my relationship with my son.

The judge would cut me off every time I spoke and plainly treated me like a criminal. I explained at some point that I did not have a lawyer and had never been in court or in front of a judge and I didn't know how to let myself be heard. She then asked me about my job, etc. and I explained that I was a hospice chaplain. She then realized that even though she was talking to a Latina, I was an educated, and never before in trouble human being.

She then asked my ex about himself and his also female lawyer said that he was a pastor.
The judge was in silence for a second. She then asked how things had gone so bad and I explained that all I had written in my Temporary Restraining Order was 100% true.

My ex said that I wanted to divorce him because I had a lover. I moved my head no.

Before our case was called an advocate had handed the divorce papers that I had prepared to him. So, when the judge asked him if I was asking him for the divorce he said that he had gotten an envelope and maybe that was it, but he said he could not accept the divorce because in our church he would not be any longer a pastor.
The judge asked his lawyer to confirm if the papers were asking for the divorce, and she did.

My ex-husband knew how to manipulate any and everyone, and so he started looking at his lawyer and the judge with puppy sad eyes, and they started believing that he was a poor little man.

The judge said that she was going to make a decision about our son for now until CPS got involved and a social worker interview our 13 year old boy. Then I raised my hand and said that the social worker already came to my home and had interviewed my son and I.

My ex-husband's lawyer was furious with him because in his hurry to screw me, he had gone ahead of court.

I gave the business card to the judge and she excused herself to phone the social worker. I could see my ex and the lawyer arguing.
When the judge came back her attitude toward me had totally changed.

She told my ex-husband that if he would have seek advice from the lawyer maybe things would have been differently, but she was going to leave our son with me (the mother).

My ex-husband made a face of deep pain and sadness, drama that I've seen before, and to my surprise it worked again.

The judge said that he would have visitations with our son on weekends. 4 hours on Saturdays and 4 on Sundays with no overnights. She also told him to get a paying job, so he could províde for his son. His pastoral "job" was not paid.

After that my sister and I left feeling good about having my son with me, but concerned about the brainwashing and manipulation that was going to start to happen on weekends.

Later on, I went to pick our son up in school and to explain to him about the visitations on weekends. My son was nervous, but when he saw his father coming he hugged him tenderly.

03/11/2024

An accurate description of the narcissist I knew.

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01/24/2024

Part 48

I was grateful to God for what had happened with the Temporary Restraining Order, but worried about my ex-husband's anger.
My son and I had peaceful weeks then!
I got my son a cell phone so we could communicate just in case his father tried to pick him up in school or came to see him against court orders.
We spent a lot of time together and talked about our lives. He was 13 and I didn't want to talk bad about his father, but we talked about the churches we had been where my ex had been a pastor. We processed the circumstances under which we had left each one of those churches and those states, AZ and FL . We talked about my ex's anger and how people would react to discovering his lies, and much more. I didn't talk about his father's physical abuse towards me, especially if my son had not witnessed it with his eyes. But we talked about the many times when voices were raised and he went into his room with fear. We talked about the times when my son and I had discussed leaving just by ourselves. And we talked about the worries I had and my fear of repecautions.
It was a good and peaceful time in our lives!
Despite of it, my exhusband sent the police to our house several times for well-checks and at one point a Child Protected Services social worker came to interview me and my son. She left her business card and told me to be strong and not to get in another relationship right away, which was not even in my mind. Having my son and living in peace was all my heart's desire!
Yet, court time came in May of 2010.

12/18/2023

Part 47
I woke up early, well I really didn't sleep much at all!
I went to court with my papers in hand and filed them. I waited for the judge to read it and make the decision. GRANTED!
The court sent me to the Sheriff's office to present the Temporary Restraining Order so they would serve it to my ex-husband.
To my dismay he was there, in the Sheriff's office when I arrived with the TRO. It turned out that he had gone there to get a restraining order filed against me!
I went to the window and the police woman asked me where could they find the man whom they needed to serve and I, shaking with fear told her in a soft voice, "he is sitting right there."
When he saw what was about to take place he stood up and walked towards the exit. The police woman yelled at him telling him to freeze and asking him how come he was there in the Sheriff's office. "Are you following this woman?"
He said that he was in the office to fill a restraining order against me. The police woman said to him, "well you are in the wrong place." They served him the papers right then.
I left and he had to stay behind listening to the officers' instructions about not getting close to me or my son for 6 weeks.
My feeling that day was disbelief! If I would have planned it that way, it might have not happen.
The police had told me that he could get his things from the house in 15 minutes. But, since I was in the house already I could put outside the door his more necessary things.
He and two more pastors came to the house and I had already fix two suitcases for him. He tried to get in and I said, "you can't". The two older pastors also told him that he couldn't enter the house. I don't know what his plan was.
I saw in his demeanor and movements how furious he was. He was angry and humiliated!
After he left I went to school to get our son. I had to give to the principal the Temporary Restraining Order, so I did.
To my surprise, my son was not expecting to see me that afternoon. It turned out that my ex had told him that he was going to pick him up and I was going to be unable to get him. (Who knows what else he had told him) When my son refused to come home with me my heart dismayed! My sweet son acted that afternoon like I was nothing to him! It really hurt!
The school called the police and two officers came to explain that there was a court order saying that he had to come home with me. He had just turn 13 years old! The only other option was to go to a foster home. Finally, he came with me!
Once in my car all he did was to say: "What happened to dad, he said he was coming to get me, not you."
I explained that the judge read my papers and was able to figure out that he had been lying so he was going to be on his own for a few weeks until we went to court again.
Once we got home everything was ok with my son, for a while...

11/15/2023

Part 46
I went to a hotel that night. The same hotel that the three of us had stayed the first night when we moved from Florida to California.
The memories of my son and I walking our Shiba Inu (dog) inundated my heart as I tried to understand my 18 year relationship to a man that didn't seem to love me anymore.
What happened? I thought...I had try to help his errors in perception whenever I saw him judging others too harsh or exaggerating the description of what he saw or heard of others. I could not understand what kind of mind he had. There were people that he simply described as "a liar" or "not to be trusted", without any other explanation that backed up his assumptions. And he expected me to treat them as such blindly and without explanation.
I had the court papers in my work bag, as well as the papers for a restraining order. Papers which I cried when the court placed them in my hands and I saw as "a last resort". But, that night in April 2010 God was giving me all I needed to get out of what had been a violent, mind bending and futile marriage. "Too long you have been with men who love violence.." Are 18 years too long? My son was 13, could I wait 5 more, until he turned 18? All these thoughts inundated my mind as I thought that if I had left, as he suggested when he called the police he would probably had hurt himself to blame me. THIS IS IT! I cannot let this abuse to continue.
In tears I filled the temporary restraining order as I kept remembering one instance after another of abuse. Then I felt ashamed and stupid. How did I put up with all of this? How did I pray for so long?
The thought of prayer as a crutch came into my mind and I heard again, "God does not do our dirty work for us". My dirty work was to go through the shame, to face the fact that I had been an accomplice to my own abuse by staying quiet. And now I had to put an end to it.
I called my sister and told her to tell my parents. It was hard for me to face my parents with this, so much shame!