17/07/2022
I was born in 1961.
Now I am 61.
My Dad died at 61.
II'm reflecting on history, his story. If this were my end, as far as Iâd gone in life, would it have been enough?
I've buried my parents, a brother, friends and my nephew & partner to su***de. I work with people coming to terms with loss.
All of that informs how I choose to live my life.
The âtrips around the sunâ phrase for acknowledging oneâs birthday has been popular within social media, but true to form, Iâm more drawn to the moon. Iâm a moonchild Cancer sun sign, so itâs natural for me. I respond to the tides, the phases of the moon and perpetual ebb and flow from darkness to light.
Iâve been aware of traits associated with the 12 signs of the zodiac and always resisted the moody and clingy label for Cancer. I feel I donât fit in the box and I like to defy odds. Iâm the first to admit I can be moody, and I hold on to things, people, not so much.
I didnât get to this age without letting go, too often, and not by choice. Loss has been with me from the beginning. Parents who divorced twice, frequent moves in a house, out of another house, apartments and condos, changing schools, seven by the time I was 17.
During my senior year in high school, my mom moved out to start the next chapter of her life. She covered the rent until my high school graduation in June, and informed me Iâd better get a job. I did get a job, and a roommate. 50 hours a week at minimum wage, still wasn't enough for the rent and heat.
My dream for going to college dissolved in my junior year. After my parents second divorce and subsequent moves, I dropped out of school. I didnât attend the last three weeks. I didnât take my final exams and I didnât care or understand how that would limit me.
I had been a good student, with more credits than I needed and was ready to graduate early at half year. I had hoped Iâd enter a pre-college program, but my dream never had any traction.
I lost my rank and National Honor Society status. In the middle of the summer, I received a phone call from the assistant principle offering me an incentive of taking several of my exams as written essays to prevent me from becoming a drop out. He pitched the vision of walking with my class the next June. He made the point to say it would be such a waste to have worked so hard for nothing.
The irony was that he was aware I had helped my roommate by doing a project on alcohol education that enabled her to earn enough credits to graduate.
My motherâs education went only as far as the ninth grade. No one had gone to college in her family. My Dad had beeen in the Navy. In my senior year, I applied to a few colleges on my own. I used child support money-$25 a week that Iâd pick up when visiting my father, for application fees. It was an unspoken fact that neither of my parents were invested in me or willing to be.
I was married at 20 and a mom at 21 & I have been a perpetual student my entire life.
And the rest as they say is history. There is at least a trilogy of unwritten text between then and now. Though Iâve detached from much of my former life, my earlier self, Iâve also merged the wiser facets into a kaleidoscope that composes my present self. The adult woman that has nurtured the fragmented child and found enough love for both to color my world.
I believe it is enough. I am enough.
There is a quote that says, the more you love yourself, the less nonsense you tolerate. With that, may I introduce my nemeses, Maude and Mindy Mentor, decorated with other items I no longer have any use for. Yes there is humor amidst the angst in sharing this here.
A part of me for years, searching outside myself to be enough. Iâm finding new ways to live with and without them. I trust my disclosure will inspire others to be true to themselves. I will use my experience to support them with healing from the inside out.
Millions of women are.
I became my own heroine, not the victim. I am more than my scars. To own my decisions, is to own my contentment. I was willing to free myself from the choices and narrative of my past that no longer serve me.
I am a moon child, yielded to its gravitational pull, enamored by the rhythm of seasons, and drawn to its light. No matter the date, I now know that beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.
