06/28/2023
I don’t know how to do this.
It feels like I’m supposed to, like I should have the skills or the strength, like it’s not supposed to be so hard and it must be something I’m not doing right or good enough or hard enough to still be here in the struggle.
So I internalize that and shame gets added to struggle and sadness. I keep just pretending I know what I’m doing, until I pause, until I get tired, until I feel vulnerable, until it doesn’t work, and my defenses can’t hold back the accumulation that seeks release.
My body won’t let me pretend for too long these days. That’s the blessing and the curse of doing the work…the old ways of dissociation, avoidance, stuffing, escape just don’t have any mileage to them, barely offer the momentary reprieve. Lame. I know too much.
I know that the “shoulds” aren’t helpful and there’s no “supposed to.” I know that we can only ever be in our experience and feel our feelings to completion. I know all feelings are valid and don’t need justification. And also, I know that shame keeps us stuck in painful trauma patterns, and self-compassion and nurturance are the soothing balm to our inflamed inner critic.
And yet…it’s so hard to remember when we’re in it.
I also know that so many of us experience these same loops, pressures, judgments, worries, and discomforts…and we think we are alone in it, or somehow less evolved or proficient than all the other people trying to manage their s**t. We compare our insides to other people’s outsides and use that to measure our relative worth and value. It’s pretty unfair.
Whatever our “this” is…we’re really not supposed to know how to do it. We’re certainly not supposed to know how to do it gracefully, quickly, or efficiently. Because we’ve never done it before, not in this moment, this heart, this body. And we are here to learn.
As much as I want to rush through it and get to the other side, I know the richness, growth, and wisdom lies in the messy churning of the process.
I’m going to work with this affirmation, and I hope it offers you something too 💜
I am exactly where I need to be on my unique path of evolution and healing.