11/20/2024
Requests Vs Boundaries Vs Ultimatums...
I believe it is important to distinguish between these 3 terms. To do so, I am using excerpts from two sources, and words added by me are in brackets, to clarify they are not from the source material. The original webpage Sources are listed at the end.
For REQUESTS vs BOUNDARIES (excerpts from Source #1):
If your boundaries aren’t working, you’re probably making requests instead of setting boundaries.
Requests and boundaries are both tools we can use to meet our needs.
When we make a request, we ask someone else to do, or not to do, something in order to meet our needs. For example: “Would you mind speaking to me more calmly?”
Requests ask someone else to change their behavior—and they may or may not do so. For this reason, requests are fundamentally unenforceable; the outcome is out of our control.
Meanwhile, when we set boundaries, we are making clear what we will or won’t tolerate. For example: “I can’t continue the conversation when you raise your voice at me.”
A boundary is only meaningful if we enforce it—so, enforcing this boundary would mean leaving or ending the conversation when the other party raises their voice [just like you said you would].
When we set a boundary, we are making clear what our actions will be. For this reason, our boundaries are fundamentally enforceable and the outcome is entirely within our control.
When should we use which?
Requests: Our First Course of Action
When we have a need in our relationships, requests are a great place to start. By making a request, we give the other party the opportunity to meet us in our needs.
If the other party is receptive to our request, we should offer a window of time for them to shift their behavior. Maybe we ask a partner to show us more affection, and if they’re willing, we can observe over the course of a few weeks how their willingness to say “I love you” or offer a hug increases.
Boundaries: Our Second Course of Action
If we make a request and the other party is unwilling or unable to meet it, we have to accept their answer. We cannot force more from someone who is unable or unwilling to give more. We have to release the illusion that, if we only ask a 17th time, then finally, they will become receptive to our needs.
to put it simply, a boundary is about our own limits, whereas an ultimatum is specifically designed to control somebody else. Ultimatums focus on others’ behavior, not our own.
Setting and enforcing our boundaries means accepting the limits of our control and releasing illusions of control that keep us stuck in unchanging situations.
Furthermore, many people set ultimatums that they don’t enforce, which highlights their true nature as attempts to control others’ behavior instead of genuine attempts to protect ourselves and our needs.
For BOUNDARIES vs ULTIMATUMS (excerpts from Source #2):
Boundaries are healthy limits set to protect oneself, while ultimatums are demands that pressure others to change, often with a threat.
A boundary would be, “I don’t accept being spoken to like that, so if I feel you’re being disrespectful, I can’t speak to you.” An ultimatum is phrased as “If you speak to me like that again, I’m leaving.”
Generally speaking, ultimatums are about force: usually involving a threat or demand that attempts to control [the behaviors of] another person. Boundaries, however, are about personal power: a limit that you set for yourself, [within your control] and around yourself that does not come from a place of anger, judgment, or blame.
For example: “If you don’t quit your job and stay home with the kids, I’m filing for divorce” [This] is an ultimatum threatening drastic action if the other person doesn’t comply with a specific demand. It’s coercive and leaves no room for discussion or compromise.
versus
“I feel overwhelmed managing my career and most of the childcare. I need more support at home to make this work. Can we discuss a solution that works for both of us, whether that’s you working less, us budgeting for more childcare help, or me considering being a stay-at-home parent for a while?" [This] clearly communicates their needs and opens a dialogue about finding a mutually agreeable solution.
[utimately I would categorize the latter example as a combination of a request, asserting/advocating for oneself, & a sincere attempt to problem-solve, but not a boundary. Staying true to the explanation of boundaries above, a boundary would be more like "Because it is too overwhelming to manage my career and do most of the childcare as well, I will do/not do __ from now on." And the __ must something possible/practical & within my control. If I do not follow through with __ I am teaching people to not take me seriously or respect my boundaries. Same with ultimatums, but riskier because ultimatums, as defined above, are about changing another's behavior (which isn't in our control) and "bind" us to an action (often one we DO NOT desire) if the change is not made. The outcome of an ultimatum is based on THE OTHER's choice. So essentially we are handing over our power, unlike with boundaries, and if the person doesn't change, we either a) do what we threatened, which is often something we really didn't want to do, or b) not do it, weakening our credibility and influence. I think it is also worth considering that every request, action, boundary, and ultimatum comes with a consequence, and to weigh and prioritize your values against these consequences.
SOURCES:
1. https://www.gottman.com/blog/requests-vs-boundaries-vs-ultimatums-the-ultimate-guide
2. https://www.simplypsychology.org/boundaries-vs-ultimatums.html #:~:text=Boundaries%20are%20personal%20guidelines%20for%20how%20you%20want,example%2C%20respectful%20communication%20is%20one%20of%20my%20boundaries.
